Subject:  Love Letters 2 - The Reply |
Author:
Jasmine
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Date Posted: 07:12:19 03/16/01 Fri
In reply to:
Jasmine
's message, "Love Letters ...A Different Idea" on 06:55:04 03/16/01 Fri
Michael,
Hello, my love. It’s been more than a week since I received your wonderful surprise. I cried for hours afterwards. I never knew I had so many tears still stored up inside of me. My roses are in full bloom and they greet me every night and I think of you. Of course, my room is just below freezing, if one listened to Walter, in order to keep them alive but it’s worth it if I can keep some part of you with me for as long as possible.
I smiled at the reference of your reasoning behind sending me a typed letter instead of a written letter. Knowing that my handwriting is only a little more ‘legible’ than yours, I decided that I should return the favor. I’ll know you’re pleased if I get a response from you. Do you see how good I’ve gotten at turning your words back on you? It’s probably one of the best things you could have taught me to survive in a place like this.
I love the new habit you’ve acquired. After all of these years you still manage to surprise me by knowing what I need, anticipating my wants even before I know them myself. It’s one of the many reasons I love you as much as I do. That you would dare to think I wouldn’t be pleased by your remembrance of a day that has never really been cause for a celebration as far as I’m concerned amazes me. Any gift you give me, especially the gift of yourself, will always please me.
How are you? Like you it’s a question that often crosses my mind and I find myself contemplating you and little Adam at inopportune moments. Just yesterday, Jade came to give me a report and had to repeat her question three times before she realized I wasn’t with her. She’s so patient with me. She didn’t get angry. She asked me how I was doing instead. I smiled at her gentle look of sympathy. I wonder what you’re doing, are you alright, are you thinking of me as I’m thinking of you? I’m a mess, Michael, and I don’t know what to do. You ask me to promise to come to you if I need you and the fact is I need you every day. I never realized how hard this would be. Knowing that you’re out there, waiting to come back to me, and neither of us knowing when that time will be. And so in response to your question, I promise that I will come to you as soon as I possibly can.
I miss you so much, Michael. It’s amazing how the tables have turned and I’m sentenced to Section for the rest of my life by my own words, while you are on the outside with Adam longing to be back inside with me. The hardest part of all this is that I want it as much as you do and I can’t help but wonder that if I had let things be, if I had just said no to Jones and the Center, somehow things would have worked out differently. Then I realize that my father would have eventually surfaced to inform me of his future plans for me. You and I would have only delayed the inevitable. It amazes me how foolish I was in my naivete that I could walk away after all but shoving Section’s inadequacies down their throat…then I think of you. Of how in your own subtle way you tried to warn me, caution me, protect me from my useless ambitions, and most of all myself.
It all comes back to me as I go through the motions of pretending I know what I’m doing in a position I never wanted to hold. I guess that was the point if I think of my father’s life lessons he tried to shove down my throat in the short time we had together. According to him, I’m the most qualified because I was the one who didn’t want the job. As Jade would say, how twisted is that? Of course, the logic shouldn’t surprise me considering how corrupt Paul Wolfe became because of the power he wanted and not satisfied with the power he held.
That’s what scares me most, Michael. That I’ll become like him. Bitter at life, at all the disappointments and fail to do what I need to do to get the job done, so I cause other people to suffer for my unhappiness. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to hold sway over all these people. I don’t want to be the one to decide their fate because of past crimes they’ve committed. I think of my anger at you when you held this position. I think of how you stepped into it with the clarity and single purpose of mind that enabled you to do the job no matter what. Then I think of my reaction to it. How I hated you for being so good at a job that was so hateful. Now that I’m here I realize how wrong I was, and I berate myself for not believing in you enough to know that you knew what you were doing. I chastise myself for not understanding what the position would cost you, but your willingness to do it anyway to save those who would appreciate the effort. The fact that you continued to love me in spite of it all my harsh judgments, my obvious lack of understanding, makes me marvel at how far you and I have come with each other.
Whenever I find myself sinking into despair I hold to that thought and I know that we’ve overcome so much together that we’ll overcome this separation as well. I look at your ring on my finger and I smile as I remember how impulsive we were as we darted into the chapel we came across to speak vows to each other. I only put it on in the privacy of my room. I won’t wear it openly until you’ve had the chance to place it on my finger yourself. Old-fashioned of me, I know but it’s something I want and I know you’ll understand. As I think of just how long we’ve been married I began to laugh in sheer joy as I realize that out of all the things everyone thought they knew about us in the Section, none of them have ever guessed that…not even Walter. They would all be amazed. Little do they understand that it’s not difficult being faithful when the one you want is nowhere in the vicinity. Still it means so much to me that only you and I know of how close of a bond we truly do share. I hold the secret close to my heart and treasure it as a wonderful surprise only you and I know about.
I have to go my love. The Collective is still as active as ever and I fear that I’m going to have to began to make choices I’ve put off as long as I can if this mission is not a success. I don’t know how long I can do this, Michael. How long I can pretend to be someone I’m not, how long I can be away from you and Adam. The two of you need me more than this place ever will, just as I need the two of you. My heart aches to know that I can’t be there to comfort you as you comfort Adam and those are the times when I truly hate my father despite the fact that he gave up his life for Adam. Perhaps that makes me sound ungrateful for his sacrifice, but I’m not. I just wish with all my heart that there had been another way for all of us. Now, all I can do is contemplate a time when the Collective is defeated, Section is running smoothly and I…I can come to be with you and Adam if only for a short time. It saddens me to hear how lonely and melancholy my two men have become, and it does nothing but make me long to be with you so that we can run and play and enjoy the beautiful grounds surrounding the estate you’ve purchased for us.
I hear your voice in my dreams promising me that we will make this work and I hold to that as I wake to face each day. I imagine a time when I’m with you, your arms holding me, keeping me safe, and the crazy underground world I’ve been sentenced to is kept at bay. Those thoughts have helped me find my courage to believe in the dream that you are working so hard to make a reality. I’ve envisioned the estate, the peaceful landscape around it that sounds so tranquil and full of peace, and I long for the time when I can hand over my obligations for a while and bask in the warmth of your love, while I shower you with mine. It’s what I hold to when this place becomes too much for me to handle.
Goodbye for now, my Michael. I’ll wait with anticipation for your next letter. It seems to be all we have now, and I resign myself that for now it has to be enough. Remember, I love you, and you are never far from my thoughts. You are as dear to me as I am to you. With all my heart I love you, and so in closing I say until next time, my love.
Nikita
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