Subject:  Love Letters 2 - Waiting |
Author:
Jasmine
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Date Posted: 07:13:45 03/16/01 Fri
In reply to:
Jasmine
's message, "Love Letters ...A Different Idea" on 06:55:04 03/16/01 Fri
I read the letter several times before I put it away and went to the window to look outside at the steadily falling rain flooding the beautiful landscape before me. I could hear her voice clearly as I played the words in the letter over and over in my mind. Her deep sorrow was evident and my heart cried out in agony. Perhaps, like me, she could sense when my sadness got the best of me and I couldn’t hide how unhappy I was. I turned on the radio in the hopes of gaining some peace and as coincidence would have it, a song played that spoke my thoughts more eloquently than I could have at that moment.
Many a nights I lie alone
Inside a room that’s not of my own
Having no one to hold onto
Who’d understand what I am going through
The verse makes me think of the first time I tried my hand at seduction on her.
“No one on the outside can understand who we are.”
I manage a wry smile as I remember the words I uttered to her in a desperate bid to keep her from getting herself canceled. Even then I had begun to love her. I don’t think she even realized how true my words were, and now that she knows there is nothing either of us can do about it. I’m finding that out as I start each day of this new life, surrounded by people who are oblivious to the strangers that walk among them.
So at night, I lay down a plan
To occupy myself to make me a better man
That’s the only way I get through the night
So I don’t turn off the lights….
The days are hard enough to get through, but the nights…the nights are even worse. I walk into the large spacious bedroom I think of as ours and I see her in everything. The white cream and gold of the carpet and furnishings remind me of the way she used to sink her bare feet into the carpet and purr like a contented kitten because it was a luxury she had never been used to due to the harsh realities of the life she spent on the streets. The plush satin comforter reminds me of the satin chemises she loved to walk around in whenever we were on a mission, or just on our own away from the prying eyes of the Section. I walk out onto the balcony I know that she would love and I look up at the blue sky that fades to black as night descends and it reminds me of her beautiful changeable eyes as they turned from lustrous blue to stormy gray whenever she was moved by some deep emotion only the two of us could understand.
All these thoughts bombard me and sleep evades me like a clever thief in the night. So I use the time to think about past conversations we had and with every desire she expressed for herself or wish she wanted for me, I come up with a plan to make it happen. By the time I’m done, it’s well into the night and sleep has never been further away. So I envision her lovely face and in our room I sit…waiting once again.
And I wait for all eternity
For someone who will comfort me
And as time passes
I get vivid flashes of you running through my mind
It seems I’ve been waiting for something all my life. Each time, I’ve gotten what I wanted I’m waiting again. This time I know that I’m waiting for something worthwhile, something lasting, that will never leave me again. As I envision my beautiful son running and playing through the trees like he was earlier in the day, for the time being joyfully oblivious of the melancholy thoughts of his father, I think of her again. I close my eyes and, I can see her playing with him. Smothering him with loving kisses. Then I see her smiling up at me. Her vivid blue eyes memorizing my features, and the blonde silky hair that I loved to run my fingers through falling over my arms as I hold her close against me. She gave her love to the both of us so freely that I know that no matter how long it takes, even if it is until eternity there will never be another woman in my life if I can’t find a way to get back to her.
Many a morning sun appears
Wake up and find on my face a tear
Cause from the vivid dream in my head
Of you in arms, but it’s my pillow instead
So real did it feel way our bodies met
The softness of your hands, your lips, on my neck
God I wish you were here
My desire is sincere
I need you near
And I wait for all eternity
For someone who will comfort me
And as time passes
I get vivid flashes of you running through my mind
Sometime during the long night, my body overrules my mind and I fall asleep and that’s when the dreams take over. All I can see is her. She captures my every thought and I see us at the chapel, on the boat, on the beach walking hand in hand on the sand, or lazing away the day in bed. As she leans over to kiss me I jerk awake to find that my intense desire to want her with me makes my dreams more vivid than even I could have imagined and it’s only that in my mind…not reality…but a dream that she was holding me. It’s then that I feel the wetness on my cheeks and realize that I’ve been crying. For a man who had no tears they appear with alarming frequency whenever she crosses my mind. I know it’s because I can feel her loneliness reaching out to clench my heart with painful fingers, because I can do nothing to ease the pain she’s feeling inside.
Where? Where are you?
I need to know (oh I need to know)
I searched high and low.
I need you so.
But I guess I must wait…..
And I wait for all eternity
For someone who will comfort me
And as time passes
I get vivid flashes of you running through my mind
I find myself going through the motions of the day. Taking care of Adam, listening to his childlike conversation. Answering his many questions, and all the while I long for her presence by my side. I wonder where she is, if she’s alright. How will she come to me if she needs me? Only my promise that I made to keep Adam safe and to keep the both of us protected until he no longer needs me keeps my longing for her under control.
I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you
Where ever you go
I get lonely sometimes (lonely, lonely)
I’m goin’ be right here
Here all by myself
Although I can’t be with her, I still follow her movements through those close to us who want her happiness as much as I do. It’s through Walter that I know what she’s going through, how she handles the intense pressure from those who mapped out her future without a thought to her resistance. Her letter only deals with part of it, and I know she’s trying to hide how lonely she really is because of the role she’s been forced into.
I have every hope that whatever move she makes, wherever she goes, I’ll follow after her until the day that I can be at her side again. Those thoughts keep the loneliness at bay, and I wait. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I’m good at waiting, and I’ll continue to wait until I get what I want. My resolve set, my mind made, I let the rain continue to fall and I sit down once again to write a reply to the beautiful but heart-wrenching letter I’ve received from my Nikita, my wife, my beloved.
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