perhaps the only poem youll see me do -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 19:21:49 05/08/01 Tue
Author: james
Subject: perhaps the only poem youll see me do

And the light ran patterns on her face
and shone atop every swell as velvet
water came up from where her skin became the surface.
Stroking my fingers along the glass, it touched and kissed
and rippled smoothly out and danced with others,
flashing sun into her eyes and then to mine.

Waters stilled and the light ran patterns down her body
and it stood, as marble, as drips tickled and curved
down to touch again.
Sinking so moisture lapped and licked lips and so her hair
bloomed upwards from beneath the surface as a golden cloud.
Holding my fingers above, spilling light sound to the water.

Weightless and sunken, in radiant lines she sits still
and sighs. Hollow bubbles charge and escape
at the air as though breathless and she still sleeps,
with closed eyes and at the bottom. A kick corrupts
the silent surges and its flash makes air plunge and water explode.
My hand dashed by waves; drips tickle down my face,
falling down to touch again.

Sliding movements and the light ran patterns.

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Replies:

[> some great moments here - 'light ran patterns', 'lapped and licked' - but it's a draft version, it needs tightening up, which i know is often what i say about your work. it does, though. this has potential - you should write more poetry. -- sj, 19:17:14 05/24/01 Thu

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[> The first of many I hope. This confused me very much on the first couple of readings but now it sounds very nice and beautiful. It has a nice sound to it. I don't have any real idea of what the narrator's position is and that undermines it for me. If the -- luke, 20:27:33 05/24/01 Thu

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[> ... if the description was clearer about what was happening, what was actually being described, it would be easier to appreciate the language and the poeticicity if the poem. The "glass" confused me, as did the pronoun in "it touched and kissed... with ot -- luke, 20:34:17 05/24/01 Thu

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[> why is this happening? I'm being cut off. -- luke, 20:35:27 05/24/01 Thu

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[> ...the pronoun in "it touched and kissed... with others" - other whats? ripples? The last line is quite stupid. -- luke, 20:36:52 05/24/01 Thu

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[> yes the last line is stupid. and im not convinced with poetry -- james, 22:09:54 05/24/01 Thu

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