More to cheer us up and not as evil as rape -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 18:16:04 03/12/01 Mon
Author: james
Subject: More to cheer us up and not as evil as rape

I punched her in the face and she fell to the ground like a dropped glass. My fist was still clenched and my stomach rolled and ripped at my insides. I did not move and I could not breathe. She stayed on her side, on the floor. Her head looked down. The side of her face that I had hit was covered by her straight long hair. It had felt like nothing. She was weightless behind my fist but now my hand hurt and I clenched it as hard as I could. My body felt hot and heavy and my throat full. I imagined my huge frame behind the punch. I stopped. She hadn�t shut up when I had told her to. I had shouted for her to. I had felt it coming and I had felt like that before but I had walked away. I knew what I was capable of and I loved her too much to hurt her. This time was different and I couldn�t even remember doing it. Her body lay on the lino floor as evidence. This would never be forgotten.
She moved and I watched her. She breathed sharply and I heard her. She turned her face up towards me and I saw her. Her face was red and it was dark on her cheekbone She grabbed at the leg of my trousers and sobbed and cried for me not to hit her. She was sorry. I pulled my leg away but she held on as hard as she could and I kicked away and clipped her in the head by accident. She let her hands and body fall back to the kitchen floor. She screamed and my heart wrenched. I wiped my face as I left the room. I picked up my coat and I opened the door to the road. The streetlights shone dimly through the night mist and my slow, heavy breaths froze beneath my lips. I zipped up my jacket to my chin, locked the door and turned towards the dark, cracked pavement. I walked away.

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Replies:

[> PARAGRAPHS! no, not as evil as rape... by a very small distance... unsettling, dark writing, james... effective. i particularly like your use of verbs, as in 'i watched her... i heard her... i saw her'... -- si, 19:22:02 03/12/01 Mon

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[> oh yes, very cheered up already. i like the cracked pavement. i'm actually convinced now this is a real situation and i'm questioning whether or not i want to know you. just kidding. or am i.... very effective, well done -- zeina, 18:03:00 03/13/01 Tue

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[> shocking, but great writing, I like the way you have written his thoughts too the last bit of description when opening the door really works it finalises the whole thing -- mags, 10:34:53 03/16/01 Fri

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[> Great. I liked the bits describing what actually happened a lot more than the reflecting back on it, ie. I didn't like the second part of the first paragraph as much, apart from the bit about "evidence." The simile in the first sentence works well, making the punch seem accidental and her seem very fragile. I didn't like "my heart wrenched" especially compared to the more powerful image of the rolling stomach. -- luke, 06:52:16 03/19/01 Mon

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[> [> this is more what i had in mind by specific comment... -- si, 13:49:43 03/19/01 Mon

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