| Subject: Tanner Goes Off on The HWA *or* Tanner Pulls a DBR (Count The WHOOs!!) |
Author:
Jake Tanner
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Date Posted: 18:26:08 02/07/02 Thu
**The scene opens up in the HWA Locker Rooms. We see Jake Tanner shutting off a tape he obviously has just viewed. After ejecting it, he looks at the tape and nods at it approvingly. He then spits on it and flings it into the wall, shattering it into pieces...**
Jake Tanner: Well, DBR thinks he can dis the ENTIRE HWA fed. Well two can play at this game.
**Jake Tanner marches around the halls, looking as intense as ever. He keeps wandering until he finds the production crew.**
Jake Tanner: YOU!! Microphone! YOU!! Camera. Turn it on!! And stand back. I'm about to unload a verbal can of whoop ass like no other! WHOOOOO!!!!
Friday night!!! In The Beginning!!!! BATTLE FOR THE GOLD!!! Or as I like to call it, THE NIGHT JAKE TANNER WHOOPED THE HWA'S ASS!!! WHOO, see I heard DBR! I heard it all! I heard it from everybody! Hearing all of those raving shmucks got me so fired up, WHOO, I'm about to pop a blood vessel! Lets run down the list of Grade-A! High quality! Choice Prime Cut! First Class ASSHOLES!!!! WHOOO!!!!!!
JUSTIN SANE!!! Last we met your ass was SAVED from not winning the Hardcore Title by that mental midget JT Austin! I've whooped your ass before and, WHOO, I can do it again! YOU'RE GOIN OVER THE TOP ROPE!! WHOOOO!! PIMP 2 DOPE!!! The legend!! The icon!! The MAIN, WHOO, EVENTER!!!! I tell you what! I don't give a FAT RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOU!!! You can take all your fame, and your popularity, and, WHOO, take it with you OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!!!
KRAZY KING MIKE!!! The King Krap!! The man who beats on WOMEN!!!!!!! Guess what?!?!?! YOU'RE GOIN' OVER THE TOP ROPE! WHOO!! Jason Chambers! I don't know you!! I haven't seen you wrestle!! I've heard some, WHOO, raving reviews about you! Welp, I COULD GIVE A SH*T!! WHOO! YOU'RE ASS IS GOIN' OVER THE TOPE ROPE!!!
DBR!!! DBR!!! HO-LEE SH*T!!! DBR!!!!!! THE MAN WHO'S WORDS FINALLY MADE ME SNAP!!!! WHOOO!!! Thinks he's bad 'cause he's over 7 feet! Thinks he's smart 'cause he knows his stats!! Bring your Downshift!! Bring your Road Block!! WHOO! Bring your Side Swipe!! GUESS WHAT?!?! IT MEANS JACK SH*T TO ME!!!!! I'm gonna grab you by your head, AND TOSS YOU'RE CANADIAN PUNK ASS OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!! WHOOOO, BY GOD, WHOOOOO!!!!!
Steve Rider: Hey, Jake, are you O.K.?
Jake Tanner: Shut up Rider, I'm ON A ROLL!!!
And after DBR, comes Vincent Cappele!!! VINCENT CAPPELE!! You dumb bastard, you give Italians everywhere a bad name! I'm tossin' your greasy ass OVER THE TOP!!!! SEAN FERGUSON!!!! Ol' Fergie Boy, WHOO, the regular mental case himself!!! You better hold onto your midget buddies, 'cause if you don't YOUR ASS IS GOIN' OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!!!! WHOOOO!!!!! MYSTIC! Mystic, I've cleaned the floor with you once!! By God, I can do it again! WHOO, OVER THE TOP!!!
JOHN TAYLOR!!! The hero of the HWA!!! WHOO, Hero my ass!! As the fans cheer their ass off when you enter the ring, WHOO, they can all stare in amazement as I throw your ass RIGHT OUTTA THE RING!!! Then comes Caelius!!! A man who thinks he's like CEASAR!!! Welp, WHOO, F*CK YOU CAELIUS!! Your ass is GONE!! GOODBYE!! SEE YA!!! WHOOO!!! WILD THANG!! The Ladies' Man!! The biggest putz walking on God's Green Earth! WHOO!!! I'm gonna lay a few punches on your face! I'm gonna grab you by the head!! And then I'm GONNA FLING YA OVER THE TOP ROPE!!! WHOOOO!!!!
CURIOUS GEORGE!!! A rookie!!! A man named after a CHILDREN'S, WHOO, STORYBOOK CHARACTER! I'm gonna grab you by the head, and TOSS YOUR MONKEY ASS OUTTA THE RING!!! DARK WARRIOR!!! Dark Warrior! I've fought you before, and I can't wait to do it again! You can KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE!!!!!! WHOOOO!!!! JEFF DAYTON?!?!?! JEFF DAYTON?!?!? WHO THE F*CK IS JEFF DAYTON?!?! You can toss your own ass out of the ring! WHOO, YOU'RE GONE!!!
ESTEBAN!!! Innovator of E-Star Time!!! The Latin Lover himself!!! Im my eyes, WHOOO, you're just as bad as your brother!!!!! I take your Latin ass, POSE FOR THE CROWD, and THEN throw your ass OUTTA HERE!!!!!! ACE BULLARD!!! The name reminds me of Ace Jenkins!! THAT name reminds me of WEAKNESS!!! I connect WEAKNESS, WHOO, with YOU!!! You're GONE!!! ERIC MEGA!!! I don't like you! I never will like you! WHOO!! I still won't like you once I throw your ass OVER THE TOP ROPE!!! WHOO!
DANTE!!! Dante? I haven't seen you in action yet! You're a rookie in my eyes!!! YOUR ASS IS OUTTA HERE!!!!! WHOO! JASON CRISIS!!!! YOU ARE A PUNK!!! YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN A PUNK!!! WHOO, YOU ALWAYS WILL BE A PUNK!!!! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!!!! EL RETARDO?! Christ!!! You're hardly FIVE FEET TALL!!! I lift you into the air one-handed, WHOO, and PLACE YOUR ASS OUTSIDE THE RING!!!
Don't quit now folks, we're almost done here!!! WHOO!!!
MARKUS MATHEWZ!!! You are stupid enough to spell you're name WITH A Z!!! Nothing would please me more, WHOO, to see your ass ELIMINATED!! And that's what's gonna happen!!!! WHOOO!!!! JT AUSTIN!!! A hardcore legend here in the HWA I'm told!!! I DON'T GIVE A F*CK!! WHOO! Your ass is GOIN' OVER THE TOP ROPE, HARDCORE STYLE!!! And FINALLY!! Finally! We have APOCALYPSE!!!!
TWO TIME HWA CHAMPION!!! Two time? Five time? WHOO! EIGHTEEN TIME!!!! I don't care!! I'm taking your championship ass, AND IT'S GOING OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!!!!
AND WHO DOES THAT LEAVE?!?!?! Huh?! Who does that leave!! I'll tell ya!!! IT LEAVES JAKE TANNER!!!! JAKE TANNER!!! THE MADMAN FROM QUEENS HIMSELF!!! (Jake grabs the camera and pulls it toward his beet-red face.) REMEMBER THIS FACE!!!! REMEMBER IT WELL!!! Because this is the face of YOUR NEXT HWA WORLD CHAMPION!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! BY GOD, WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
**Tanner tosses the camera aside and damn near collapses as he walks away. We fade to black....**
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