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Date Posted: 16:54:56 04/16/07 Mon
Author: Eliel Saores de Jesus
Subject: Peer editing to Allisson Ester (school problems)

Dear Alisson


Your text in general is such a good piece of writing.

I’d like to remark some punctual things. Actually they concern word choices mainly. As I could see some words you chose are not properly applicable where they were put. I would like to give you a suggestion on your introductory paragraph. It is concise and objective, but in my opinion you did not support your thesis statement. Furthermore, I understood you supposed your reader should know about the other points you suggested in the introduction, such as researches on teaching methodologies and materials, even though you not even mentioned they have been carried out. If I were not a student in the field of teaching I would never know what you were supporting your thesis with.
In addition, you started all three paragraphs on your text body by numbering the ideas from one to four. In my opinion this logical order structure applies better in one only block of argument, I mean the same paragraph. You’d be better use transitional signals.
To finsh this section, it’s my last tip. The title seemed pretty vague, When I first read it, I had chance to expect other thing from your text.
__________________________________________________________
Remarks on the paragraphs:

2nd
“Learners are exposed to high violence areas” The word exposed does not fit the context. Chose a better one.
In the last line of this paragraph you put the reference after the full stop. You should put it before.

3rd
Bw: “political interest in education since the main aim of the Mayor’s party…”. In this part the word “since” don’t establish the apparent relation the text requires cause in “opposition to condition”.

4th
Bw: “researches have been done” You’d better change “done” to “made”.
Wvf: “The English teaching process which is making the learner an intrinsic/ extrinsic knowledge … and also a proficient English speaker…” The gerund form of “To make” does not go well within the context, try the infinitive form. When you wrote: “intrinsic/extrinsic …” I interpreted that as the same proficient English or someone proficient in English. So, it seems there is redundancy in the sentence.
C: “This way English should be seen not … sharing tool” I guess it does need improvement in this sentence.
??: I did not understand what you meant with “sharing tool”. make it clear, please?
Be: “In fact” It is too Portuguese like… Try, Actually.

5th
Wvf: “these misfortunes are able to be understood as didactical ones” You put “to understand” in the passive voice, it was preceded by “be able to”. The construction is not so good. You could change each: “understood” to “interpreted” or either “are able” to “can”.
P: “facets of education and finally…” in my opinion there would be a comma here. “And finally,”
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