| Subject: Tentative |
Author:
Joe
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Date Posted: 20:47:52 07/30/11 Sat
Author Host/IP: c-75-64-227-105.hsd1.ms.comcast.net/75.64.227.105
The world slowed down, finally. It'd been moving so fast, I think I was getting nervous I wouldn't be able to keep up. The potential move has been calming me. I need to wake up under a totally different sky. I've been in one place too long--I can tell.
work is work... and more, its scary being appreciated. How dismal is that? I wonder whether I have any faculties of judgement at all that I should think something as contradictory as that. But I do. Its scary. I think I have never lacked for confidence, but as a method--I think, deeply, I am an extremely self-conscious individual.
I worry constantly about how I look, sound, seem, am, etc. All the time. In all respects. Like people will hate and revile me if they knew what I truly was--though I can't see how, honestly, I'm much different than anyone. That's got to be an esteem problem. Maybe it stems from young things. Maybe its been my own fault to never address it.
Either way, the idea that I might succeed breeds in me things that want to sabotage it. I think I've always done it. Its why I never did college well. Nor anything I thought I wanted. Or anything I needed.
In this, I fear, I'm a danger. To myself, to others.
But, that starts fading the more busy I get and I get to places where I'm so electric that I tsk to myself that I should ever have thought any such things. Is that normal? Probably. I don't have the arrogance to think I experience the world or myself any different than anyone else.
Anyhow...
That's introspection. And it doesn't do me much good. Its habit. I think I want to know myself well enough to fix everything, but I've been learning well these last few years that I cannot fix everything. Or much of anything.
So, my friends at work--and I count them as friends in my peculiar definition of them reserved for so very few people--have playfully bullied me about how I shouldn't move away from them. Its nice to be thought of. I've been flattered.
But its healthy. And necessary. I keep thinking that waking up under a different sky will be good. It always used to be. I wonder if you ever thought that way? I like to think you did. And do.
That you, like me, wanted to escape... everything.
Maybe you did. And that's over.
Its not for me, though. I was not designed, I believe, to stop moving. Like a shark. Or a beam of light.
I miss you greatly. I enjoy seeing your posts--they seem happy. Take care,
-B
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