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Subject: Re: PWP Author: jean [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 06:01:03 02/19/04 Thu In reply to: A4 's message, "Re: PWP" on 20:28:29 02/18/04 Wed Tentatively, his hands came up her back, cupping her shoulder blades. She arched backwards into them, feeling a shudder overcome her as he kissed the nape of her neck. The nape of the neck is at the back, right? and she's facing him, sitting astride his lap, so this seems physically off. "On the other hand," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "Maybe…" I'd punctuate it like this to catch the breath of how that first phrase usually leads to something else: "On the other hand," she whispered, her voice hoarse, "maybe..." . . .her grip on his waistband the only thing keeping her on his lap until his arm came around her waist. Maybe a different word for 'waistband' here so close to her 'waist'. They rocked for a moment, the feel of him against her, and inside her, causing . . . Not sure of the commas here. I do feel like they drag the pace, when I want it to flow in this moment. Maybe: "They rocked for a moment, the feel of him against her, inside her, causing . . . " or "They rocked for a moment, the feel of him against her and inside her causing . . ." I like the near-fainting thing going on here. Heh heh. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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[> [> Subject: Re: PWP Author: shrift [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 16:56:30 02/19/04 Thu Jean's suggestions -- I agree with 'em. So, just some random stuff: CJ knocked gently on the closed door in front of her, trying to ignore the buzz in her head that said she was far too tipsy to be doing anything significant. So... is she doing anything significant right now? Or do you mean that she's telling herself to stop thinking? I got confused. "Does the President need me?" She could feel tired tears welling up behind her eyes, and frowned. A couple of hours, that's all. The last sentence feels kind of abrupt. Maybe "A couple of hours, that's all she'd wanted." The string of five words together made the voice suddenly clear, and made CJ suddenly, achingly aware of its owner. Repetition on "suddenly". Could substitute "abruptly", maybe? She thought about rising, she was clearly the better off of the two of them, the one most likely to make it into another cabin without physical damage, and yet. I dunno. I would guess "utterly embarrassing himself/herself" would occur before physical damage. *g* Nicely done. It's evil. I like it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]