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Subject: Re: PWP


Author:
shrift
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Date Posted: 16:56:30 02/19/04 Thu
In reply to: A4 's message, "Re: PWP" on 20:28:29 02/18/04 Wed

Jean's suggestions -- I agree with 'em.

So, just some random stuff:

CJ knocked gently on the closed door in front of her, trying to ignore the buzz in her head that said she was far too tipsy to be doing anything significant.

So... is she doing anything significant right now? Or do you mean that she's telling herself to stop thinking? I got confused.

"Does the President need me?" She could feel tired tears welling up behind her eyes, and frowned. A couple of hours, that's all.

The last sentence feels kind of abrupt. Maybe "A couple of hours, that's all she'd wanted."

The string of five words together made the voice suddenly clear, and made CJ suddenly, achingly aware of its owner.

Repetition on "suddenly". Could substitute "abruptly", maybe?

She thought about rising, she was clearly the better off of the two of them, the one most likely to make it into another cabin without physical damage, and yet.

I dunno. I would guess "utterly embarrassing himself/herself" would occur before physical damage. *g*

Nicely done. It's evil. I like it.

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