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Subject: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Jen (sad)
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Date Posted: 22:03:37 01/19/10 Tue

Hi everyone,

A few months ago I found out that my boyfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, and whom I am deeply in love with, is dyslexic. I never would have known if his sister hadn't told me- it must not be a severe form.

Then a couple weeks ago I told him I knew and, of course, it didn't matter to me. He became so distraught that he wouldn't talk to me for a week- he said every time I look at him now, he feels ashamed and "not good enough". He explained that he's been building a persona for years to try and hide this part of himself, and now it's all been shattered.

Recently, he started talking to me again and explained that I have no idea what he's had to deal with in his life. I've tried everything I can think of to explain that it doesn't matter to me, that there's absolutely no reason to be ashamed, but he doesn't even want to discuss it.

He's been depressed ever since he found out I knew and he claims he won't ever speak to his sister again for telling me. He's still in love with me, but he thinks this has ruined our relationship.

I really feel it would be healthy for him to embrace this part of himself, but I can tell he has been deeply suppressing his dyslexia for many years and has no desire to deal with it.

I don't know when he was diagnosed, and after looking at the symptoms online, I'm sure that he must have a mild form of it. Maybe he should be re-tested?

How do you get support for someone who is completely resistant to the subject? Is it even my place to try?

Has anyone had to deal with something like this? Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.

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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Lyndell (theres hopeI red)
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Date Posted: 16:53:07 01/20/10 Wed

I read what you had too say. I think there is hope for him and you. what i see from what i read is that you love him very much and whant the best for him thats what love is about and he loves you. that so good if i was you all i would try too at this time is just reashore him that you love him for who he is and that he loves you and I belive thats what he needs too know he what and need for who he is and what he has too give we all need this. I having and are dexlic all my live surva as a child and have impored some i dont dought his sister or what you found out but hes been through a lot because off it.dont give up hope when he come too know he loved for who and what he can do thats what he longs for after people trying to what he could see as trying too make him right the same as others. I know that people where and are trying too help life bee easer for him that may not bee how he has understood it it no ones fault But at this time he needs too know you and other loved and accept him for who he is now then some off the hurt he suffered will lose it hold then and only then would he bee able to seek help again and it would and could only happen because he feels safe and love acepeted an in his timing only for the longing too recive help has too come from him, or he would interprate it has not been aceppected. So YOu just giving him the love he whats and needs from you at this time is so so important for the now and the furture and it can and should only bee because off the love you have for him and can give him. thats true love and it only love that can help the damaged thats happend iam not saying you and his sister are not whating the best for him it how he can recive it thats impoetant now.not stop beliving that theres help for him or whanting it. just keep beliving and loving him. thats wehat he longs for even though hes been hurt by you finding out. He still what your.That ssays so much too me.and when he knows this he will bee able too for give his sister because he know he loved for himselfe and that the healing he needs and longs for. Then if its right for some reason in the frurte he will recive the help that would make life easy for him and that what love is about .
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Ruth
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Date Posted: 23:04:54 01/20/10 Wed

I understand how your boyfriend feels. For years I was embarrassed about being dyslexic. I am beginning to feel better about myself because of all the recent research that has been appearing in magazines,newspapers and the internet about dyslexia.

Your boyfriend should understand that his dyslexia has nothing to do with his intelligence. Many well known people have dyslexia. Cher, Tom Cruise, Goldie Hawn,Bruce Jenner, Whoopi Goldberg, Henry Winkler, Guy Richie, Magic Johnson, Andy Warhol, George Patton, Nelson Rockefeller, Woodrow Wilson, Charles Schwab are just to name a few. Read the article "The Dyslexic CEO" by Betsy Morris which appeared in the May, 2002 issue of Fortune magazine and "Tracing Business Acumen to Dyslexia by Brent Bowers which appeared in the Dec. 6, 2007 issues of the New York Times. I got it on line at the NY Times website. Tell his sister about these people.

Your boyfriend needs counseling. He needs to feel good about himself. It took a long time for me to feel good about myself. How old is he? Does he work? Does he like his job?

Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you for his girlfriend because you sound like an intelligent person who is warm-loving and understanding. You probably can help him.

Please do not tell anyone about his dyslexia. If he wants anyone to know, let it come from him. Tell him you love him and he can trust you. Good luck.
[> [> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Jen
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Date Posted: 14:59:15 01/21/10 Thu

Ruth,
Thanks so much for the article information- I was really surprised (and delighted) to read about all the successful entrepreneurs out there! John (my boyfriend) has even talked about starting his own business one day. His skills and interests really seem to correlate with a lot of successful dyslexics.

He's currently managing six people, and at 25, is the youngest foreman within his company. He accomplished all of this without completing his college degree (he's planning to finish). His employees all love him and he enjoys his position. I mention these facts to him repeatedly, but to no avail. I think he just has this intense stigma about his condition and has felt shame for so long, he's never considered doing any research or asking a professional about it.

I sent him the New York Times article and I really hope he reads it. I'm hoping that by "talking" about it through email first, and not mentioning it in person, I can ease him into the subject, maybe even open his eyes a little. (I thought of this after reading the articles you mentioned.)

Knowing how smart he is, I'm hopeful that he will realize some truths about his Dyslexia and gain a little more self confidence.

I'm doing my own research, but I would love to read anymore articles you may have.

Thanks again:)
[> [> [> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Ruth
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Date Posted: 20:34:49 01/22/10 Fri

Hi, Jen. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy with lots of potential. He is only 25 and has people working under him. He has leadership qualities. Unfortunately he sounds like he is in denial. For him to feel good about himself, he must accept his dyslexia but also understand that he is smart not stupid. In fact, there is a book called Smart But Feeling Dumb by Dr. Harold Levinson. I read his book and found myself in so many of his examples of people with dyslexia. I have another article that you would enjoy reading. Go to a search engine like google and type: Successful careers: The secrets of Adults with Dyslexia by Rosaline P. Fink. Also type in Ben Foss and intel. Ben is a dyslexic who works at intel. He and his colleagues at Intel designed a digital camera that reads words. It is like a Sony reader. Ben gives a demonstration on how the camera works. I am going to write to you again. Bye for now.
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Angie
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Date Posted: 17:11:54 03/02/10 Tue

Jen, I'd like to give you some advice. I am a 16 year "survivor" of marriage to a dyslexic. Much like you, Blake hid it from me in the beginning. He was afraid that I would think less of him if I knew he was illiterate. He reads on maybe a 1st grade level and is unable to do math calculations beyond adding and subtracting double digits. The best thing that I can tell you is to leave it alone. People have (probably) judged him his entire life about his disability and he's tired of it. Trust is a HUGE issue and the fact that even his sister broke his trust probably set your relationship back though it was no fault of your own. He does not want you to treat him like he has a disability. It immasculates them. He wants to be your hero not have you help him, especially at his age. I think my husband and I were constantly fighting at that age because he thought that I was too smart for him. I am smart, but he's able to do so many things that I can't. He didn't see that, only the IQ results (which are skewed by the way). Give him time to know that you are the same person he fell in love with; treat him like the same guy you fell in love with; and before long that trust will be back and perhaps he will be more willing to open up to you about it. It took about 8 years for my husband though. So be prepared to be in it for the long haul. If not, his sister just ruined his trust for any future relationships. It's tough because now, how you respond will affect how he interprets love and trust for the rest of his life.
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Ray Ham
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Date Posted: 20:01:14 03/02/10 Tue

Jen, ask your boyfriend this question: If your sister told you that I have cancer, would you drop me from your life and your feelings? Or some question like this that evokes a response. The idea is to turn the tables; perhaps by telling him a secret about yourself. The follow up to your talk with him is to let him know that we all have strengths and weaknesses. (You can tell him your own.) There is not one of us who is perfect. Let him know how proud you are of him for being the sweetest, nicest person you have ever met, and being that way even though he has struggled in school. And tell him this: My guess is that the strength of your character, and the determination of your spirit to be good at what you do has a direct bearing on the struggles you have faced in life. Don't quote this word for word but put it in your own words so it comes from your heart. My observation is that the blade is sharpened and honed to a razor's edge by the abrassive edge of the stone.
God Bless.
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Dale Martin Davison (Blessed to be dyslexic)
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Date Posted: 12:01:49 03/04/10 Thu

Jen,
You need to let your friend know that LD in people who are blessed to be dyslexic does not stand for Learning Disabled. It stands for "Learns Differently". We can do very well in anything we have an interest in, if we only study one or two things at a time. It is the multible classes a day during our schooling, that we find highly frustrating.
In my own life I have little desire for higher education. It leads me nowhere. The only value I find in education is to learn about things that interest me. By looking at history, we see that those who are dyslexic are the ones who dream up the ideas the PHD's strive to learn and understand. Although we do not bring in the big paychecks, we do have the honor of developing new ideas and thoughts.
My age at this time is 66. I did not learn why I struggled in school, had no friends, and felt so worthless, until I was 59, at which time my brother (after helping to raise two grandchildren who are dyslexic) informed me that he thought I might be dyslexic. Of the 37 catagories that relate to people who are dyslexic, I relate to 23 of them.
It would have been nice to have learned of this blessing earlyer in life, yet, if I had been "labled" at a young age, I may not have been able to overcome many of the difficulties associated with being dyslexic.
My way of dealing with the need to be constantly challenged, while growing to my present stage of maturity, was to change jobs every time I had learned all I could. At present, having finished High School in 63, I have changed jobs, and often professions - 63 times.
Now, I again feel the need to move on. Yet, I shall hang in with my present job, while I direct my interests and thoughts towards writing a book instead. I have learned there are other ways to kill the bordom. When I was younger, I wanted to know how to do everything. Now that I know how to do a great number of things, I find, I no longer want to do them.
Jen, you need to let your friend know that being dyslexic is a blessing, not a curse. He just needs to find "his" way to overcome the challenges and develop his "strong" points without being ashamed of the blessing God has given him.
If you understand what I have written, then you also need to understand that am still highly dyslexic. As a child I struggled with spelling more than I do now. All my answers on tests were correct to perfection - yet I only got three out of ten done in the time I was allowed.
My brain is evenly divided, and each side argues as to which will do what. Every time I write my name, I must pause and visualize in my mind which way to write it -frontwards (from left to right) or backwards. I can write frontward or backward with either hand. It confuses me at times. Although I like showing off by eating with chopsticks in both hands at the same time.
In order to write this short statement, I have had to consult the Dictionary for spelling many times, and it has taken me over two hours to be sure that what I have writen, is what I wish to express.
What I am saying Jen, is your friend has a very "special" ability. He needs to understand this.
Dale Martin Davison
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
Lynette
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Date Posted: 19:50:23 03/06/10 Sat

I know how he feels. It is embarrassing to have dyslexia. People do not understand especially in the workforce. Many times I have been call dumb because I could not spell, or do math. I have not found a supervisor or a family member who understands. I will tell you that I have a masters in mental health counseling and feel have to hide my disability from co-worker and my boss because I have write in charts.
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
lovely ladyb (not sure)
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Date Posted: 15:32:02 03/11/10 Thu

hi, i hav just come on dis site and like very 1 else . i understand wear ur boyfriend is cuming fr. its not easy i hav chosen not 2 tell any of my boyfriends , i dnt want them 2 think i am thick. pls them him 2 talk 2 his sis ,as long as u love him and u well not see him differently he should be cool.
u guys take care all de best
[> Subject: Re: My Boyfriend Can't Accept His Dyslexia-- Help!


Author:
marcus
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Date Posted: 17:06:58 03/31/10 Wed

Tell him to get a life and stop being a baby ! He has someone in his life that cares and loves him and that's all that maters. ps. i have dyslexia it SUCKS but that's life



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