Re: Indoctrination -- RSQUBF discussion forum

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Date Posted: 21:57:31 05/16/04 Sun
Author: ExUbferCincinnati
Subject: Re: Indoctrination
In reply to: Chris 's message, "Re: Indoctrination" on 15:15:22 05/16/04 Sun

>ExCinci, it would be good if you would write down your
>experiences with UBF in a kind of testimony. Try to do
>it before reading too much of the other testimonies so
>that you will not be biased by them. I think this will
>first of all help you getting over that traumatic
>experience. Also, maybe your testimony could be
>published later on one of the web sites.

Thank's for he invitation to share a testimony, but I have to decline. After writing numerous testimonies it is in many ways too painful and quite frankly I am tired of writing them and do not want to write another testimony, however I will provide a summary of my experience in UBF if that will help.

it started late in 1995 early 1996 when I met missionaries Abraham and Sarah Nahm who invited me to bible study. I thought this was great because at the time I was praying and searching for some way to draw closer to God, so to me this was an answered prayer, and quite frankly I liked the bible studies. I started off in Matthew and we studied chapter by chapter until we finished the book than we started a new book. I liked this, I thought it was good to study in depth this way verses just going from topic to topic as was the case in my church. so it was for the next few years that I would do bible study and sometimes visit the center for Worship service and in 1997 I went to the MSU conference.

By 1999 I had decided that UBF was where I needed to be and so I switched from my home church to what I thought would be my permament place to worship God. So once I switched I remained a "sheep" for the next couple of years. I was interested in the bible study material and when possible study with my friends and classmates, but I had no desire to be a "great spiritual leader" in UBF.

By 2002 after Samuel Lee's funeral I guess I was moved either by his life testimony, that is the good things people said about him, or something because I began to want to take my involovment in UBF more seriously and so over the next couple of years I began this transition form sheep to shepard. I liked UBF because it had such a strong emphasis on student evangilism. As a Christian I wanted to be a professor who could reach out to students and so UBF was it.
So I thought this is where God wanted me to be. I started writing for conferences, helping to organize conferences, fishing, and some of the other things that goes with being in the ministry. Now while I was doing this I had my ups and downs. Many times the pressure to keep up with UBF and my outside life made me want to quit, in fact I often felt constrained by UBF,but I kept thinking about "world mission" and I would often think "Gee what am I going to tell God? Sorry God I know this is my calling, and you died for my sins, but I quit." No I couldn't do that plus their were the sacrifices that people like Msn. Sam Zun and others made and so I stuck with it. As time passed though I believed I was becoming more spiritual, because Sam Zun was taking a bigger intrest in me, telling me that I was growing in the Lord, he would take time to advice or rebuke when I needed it, so I took him seriously. Also there was the co-working and fellowship I had with the other chapter members and co-workers from other chapters that i enjoyed.

Now what happened in 2003 and what got me out of the ministry i already posted before. but I will state here what really made Cincinnati UBF so traumatic for me.
First, In UBF I was never beaten, discipled, or anyhing like that so I was ok there, and since UBF didn't provide me with a wife, although I was told to pray about that several times when I was there, a job, my education none of those things could be held against me. What did hurt though is that one, I trusted Jonas Sam Zun so when I got kicked out, I felt a geat sense of betryal, a great What Happened? how could this have happened? I believd that UBF was THE ministry to be in so i felt abandonmed and adrift. It was at this time that I finaly got angry and asked God"What the H*ll is going on?! If this is what Christian life is all about than who needs it?" Seriously for the last several years I sacrificed a great deal of time, effort, money, even suffered some ridicule from friends and aquantinces because they thought I was crazy doing all this extra work for the church, and in the end they were right it was for absolutly nothing! This led to a phase of depression where I honestly just wanted to hate God. I felt depressed enough that I just wanted to go out with my friends and go partying, and just be worldly so I could be one of them. Fortuantely this only lasted for a couple of weeks and I could repent of feeling this way.
Than there is the humiliation factor. It was humiliating getting kicked out the way I did, but even worse was that people quickly noticed that I wasn't going to UBF so the questions started to be asked and I had to humiliate myself and tell them what happened; and when that happened I remember a couple of my friends telling me "Wow, I'm glad your out of that cult!"
Which led me to ask what they were talking about and than they started to tell me there suspicions of the place, and because they believed that it was a cult they never wanted to go to bible study, or any other UBF function, so I instantly felt really stupid.

So this is where I stand. Personally I'm glad I'm out, I feel free enough that I can go do the things I want to do, and I don't mean worldly things, basic things like get the job I want, go on a vacation without worrying about missing a UBF function, go to church because I want to worship God, and not out of pressure, things like that. However I have a deep suspision of church people and leaders that I am trying to get over, and I'm trying to learn how to trust God. I believed that it was God's will for me to belong to UBF but when I got out of UBF I felt like "How can I trust God?"
So to be blunt I'm waiting for God to prove himself, because I want my joy with God back! I'm tired of being suspicious and even afraid at times, I hate feeling this way!! Jonas and Sam Zun I believe I have forgiven. The people at church prayed for me to overcome my pain and I can honestly say I no longer have murderous thoughts when I think about those two. I would even like to have something of a civil relationship with Jonas, but apparently he either is avoiding me or got "prompoted" at UBF when he got married and moved to another chapter or something, so that's not happening. Now I can forgive those two but when I think about UBF or how it was run, it makes me sick. I feel violated. When I tink about what I was told to believe both theologically and about other people personally I get mad. In UBF when someone left the ministry it was becaue they were on "spiritual vacation" or "they were full of pride" or something like that and I believed it, but now I think what a jerk I was for believing it. Maybe it wa true what was said about them, but I don't know and I feel ugly for being led into thinking such negative things about them. When I think of the books of the bible that UBF liked as in; Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Romans I honestly get disgusted and just don't want to read my bible. Theologically I don't know what to believe, and with my own spiritual confusion, and my credibility shot with my friends I am to ashamed to even try to share the gospel with anyone, let alone be a "great servant of God."
There is alot more I could say, but I'm still trying to sort through it all so I will end here for now.

Oh yea at first I didn't want to post my real name because I was afraid someone from UBF might read my posts, figure out who I was and let the slander wars begin. But now I don't care, they've humiliated me enough, what more can they do?

In Christ,
Robert

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Replies:

Re: Indoctrination -- Chris, 00:56:30 05/17/04 Mon
Your testimony -- Mike K., 02:10:16 05/17/04 Mon
- Re: Your testimony -- Tony Lang, 01:28:06 05/20/04 Thu
  - How should we name it? -- Chris, 03:49:10 05/20/04 Thu
    - No name vs Loaded Language -- Mike K., 07:28:23 05/20/04 Thu
    - Re: How should we name it? -- Tony Lang, 08:24:31 05/22/04 Sat
      - Re: How should we name it? -- Mike K., 09:55:21 05/22/04 Sat
        Re: How should we name it? -- Chris, 11:57:24 05/22/04 Sat
        Re: How should we name it? -- Tony Lang, 07:32:44 05/23/04 Sun
        Re: How should we name it? -- #, 08:07:18 05/23/04 Sun
        Okay, exaggerated -- Mike K., 08:23:45 05/23/04 Sun
        Re: Okay, exaggerated -- Chris, 09:28:06 05/23/04 Sun
        Re: Okay, exaggerated -- Mike K., 01:32:10 05/24/04 Mon
        ... putting an end to this -- Chris, 02:36:26 05/24/04 Mon
        Re: Okay, exaggerated -- TONY lANG, 08:11:36 05/24/04 Mon
        Peace -- Mike K., 10:01:52 05/24/04 Mon