| Subject: Contentment |
Author:
Cricket
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Date Posted: 02:58:03 02/20/02 Wed
I sit here on the docks, writing. A strange place to scribe, I know, but it gives me some odd comfort to be here.
I find myself missing Ciro sometimes to the point of tears.
That makes me so angry at myself, for my weakness.
As it was with Shinjo...I do not think or expect, to ever feel differently. I will live the remainder of my days with this ache for him.
Some would tell me I am lucky, for having two that were so unforgettable in my life. I suppose, in some ways, I really am. I fell as cheated though...as death has taken them both.
Trevor is my constant source of life. He is so adorably beautiful, and it seems even his cries, strike to my heart.
The more time passes, the more I think that I will never be able to give him up. It would tear at me too much. I dont think I have ever felt so protective over anyone before.
Trevor has the ability to even bring a smile to Faizahs face..and to see her face grow as soft as putty when he is in the room...well..it is something I never thought I would see. Indigo too, is so attached to Trevor, she would be broken hearted should he ever be taken. Everyone is aware though, that that time approaches on swift feet.
I myself, hope that The Traveler never comes back..that he allows me to keep this child. He can have my soul. I do not care, but as Trevor grows..so does my want to keep him. I know what Trevor is..I know what his destiny will be..but is it so terrible for him to have a childs life, as normal as that could be? I do not know the answer to any of these questions..I just know that it will kill me to have to give him up. He is all I have..and we here, are tribe. I feel that now, more than ever.
The guilt I carry for leaving, is heavy..but perhaps fate had its purpose all along. I do not know.
Faizah was sick for quite awhile after Trevors birth..though she is much better now. She pushes herself too much. I myself, am well, though my leg pains me when it is cold, or I walk too long. I talk to The Traveler often, though I know not if he hears me, or even wants to. I wonder if he even knows that Ciro was gone the day after he left. Im sure he does..little gets past his knowledge, and I have the feeling, that he watches, even though he does not show himself. Perhaps that is just wishful thinking. I dont know for sure.
I do know, there will be no more men in my life. Trevor, and his father, are the only two that will receive more than my disdain. I am truly sick of having a heavy heart.
In truth, I am sick of having a heart at all..and Ill kill any man that gets near it again.
I have begun coming back to the docks again..just watching and listening. It has been so very long since Ive kept my ear to the ground.
Just the other night, a kings soldier payed me an exhorbitant sum for a little information. Little did he know, the information was ancient that I gave him. ..at least I hope it was. I do not think even Duel is still in business after all this time. If he is..then I should be watching my back, should he find out I sold his name. I do not worry over much about it though..so many years have gone by. The old shit is probably ten feet under and naught but bones by now..victim to some angered cutthroat that had a quick knife. Its rather a loss I think..Duel was always a smart man. At any rate, he is better able to handle someone like Sharp than most..and even if he is still alive and in business..I doubt Sharp will do much with the names I gave him. "His Majesty" has no rule here.
The amount I made was amazing..and I think I still have the knack for con, even after all this time. Indigo and Safiya will both have new clothes, and Faizah new weapons. I shall spoil Trevor terribly, and even the Roost will get its face lift.
I have thought of going back to Ciros hideouts..I consider them mine now..but it pains me so to think of him..I just havent gone yet. I had thought about retaking the cabin..but even that is painful, and I think it is better left to his children. I wonder if they even know he is dead. I would tell them myself..but I know not where they are. I like to think, that he and Lanthe, are at last together, and looking over them from wherever they are.
I have hatred for Ciros dark Gods..and I truly hope, he is not forever in their grip.
The roost stays quiet for the most part. Only Indigos love, Richard, comes to visit. Neither I, nor Faizah, like him much, but Indigo is enamored, and I cannot deny her anything.
Safiya keeps to herself for the most part, and I have allowed it so far. She helps Indigo with the work, and Im glad to see it. I do believe that Safiya is bound for freedom though..I have not gotten to know her well enough to be sure. She is beautiful..and exotic..but there is defiance there, and some unhappiness in her place. I have yet to determine if she craves freedom, or a heavier hand though. There is plenty of time. I feel not like rushing into much of anything.
Jaeger I think, is in some hole in the ground, victim to some game gone wrong. I truly miss the old rogue, and Indigo tears up everytime I mention his name. He was like a father to her I believe. I just hope he found death in glory, and not on some puke riddled barroom floor.
I also think about retaking the Camera..though that too, holds so many memories, Im not sure I can tolerate its hauntings. I need to change over the deed..but that too, I put off. I dont know why.
The sun will be up soon, and the wind is picking up. Winter still holds us strong. I long for warm days, and for the sun in my face..and Faizah and I are going to teach Trevor to swim. I want to go back to the Isle, and get the old gluepot, if she is still alive..though that too, I put off. I seem to be in langour here..though it is not unpleasant. I could spend all my days in playing with Trevor, or watching him sleep, and eating Indigos cooking with Faizah at my side and Safiya at my feet.
I am, in short, content. I need nothing, I crave nothing..and my dreams even seem to leave me in peace.
Perhaps I have finally gotten old after all.
~Cricket~
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