Re: Confused , upset , disappointed -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed

Author:
Pat

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Date Posted: 10/18/07 11:06pm
In reply to: Kris 's message, "Confused , upset , disappointed" on 10/18/07 3:36pm

Hi, Kris,

I'm very glad you came!

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! You have to live with yourself. In any case, if you do, it is VERY unlikely your relationship will survive it.

There are two possibilities regarding your boyfriend. Either he's a total jerk and it's a good thing to find out now, or he is simply reacting like most men react at first. Pregnancy isn't real for most men until they can observe something about it for themselves, whether it be hearing the heartbeat, feeling movement, seeing an ultrasound, or observing changes in the mother's body. Unfortunately, these things happen after most abortions are done.

So here is what I recommend. Cut him some slack. Let him think about it, wrestle with it, and be patient. A lot of men come around. But tell him firmly that you won't get an abortion. Chances are, if you do that, he will stop pressuring you. It might not be immediately. But just keep standing your ground. Don't argue with him. Just state your position. If he gets abusive, walk out of the room.

He should have thought about the fact you don't have a house and enough money before he put you at risk. Of course it hurts! But hang in there. You are a lot stronger than you think. You are already a good mother, because you are trying to protect your baby.

Go to your local crisis pregnancy agency. They can help you with the practical problems. To find one near you, go here:

www.pregnancycenters.org

Good luck with this. Keep in touch. We will be here for you. Come and talk to us any time you need to.

Hugs,
Pat

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[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed

Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 10/19/07 8:52am

First, congratulations! You deserve to feel joy and happiness with your first pregnancy ;-) This should be a wonderful time for you, and I hope and pray your boyfriend will come around to supporting you (which he probably will, or - as Pat said - it's better to find out now!)

Most importantly, if you don't want to have an abortion, you should DEFINITELY not have one. That is the single strongest indicator that a woman will regret her abortion -if she had it to please someone else and against her own heart's wishes.

Second, if you have an abortion to keep your boyfriend, I can almost guarantee that the relationship will suffer and probably won't last. (In the rare case that the relationship does last, the loss of your first child together will undoubtedly haunt both of you in your life together.) In almost all instances where a woman has an abortion to keep her boyfriend, the boyfriend leaves and she is left without the boyfriend AND without her baby that she sacrificed to keep him. That is so tragic and, unfortunately, we see it time and time again on this board...

So, I hope and pray that you will have the strength to protect your baby. In fact, protecting your baby stands a MUCH better chance of helping you sustain your relationship with your boyfriend at this point. He will, as Pat said, either step up to the plate and support you and your baby or he'll leave anyway (and it's better to find that out now rather than later.) Some boyfriends will threaten things like 'I'll leave you and I'll try to get custody of the baby.' That's purely to scare the woman into aborting. The fact is, once the baby is here he will either want to take an active and loving role in supporting his child OR he will be long gone and you won't have to worry about him (but you'll still have your child! ;-)

So, aborting to please him is a lose-lose (you lose your child and you will likely lose him to, or resent him for the rest of your life), while NOT aborting is a win-win (you will win by having your baby and win by having him support you or having him leave, in which case he's not worth having him stay!;-)

I'll say a prayer for you and for your little one and for your boyfriend, that he come around to realizing the gift he has in you and in your child together!

God bless you,
Sharon