Re: Confused , upset , disappointed -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed

Author:
Sharon

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Date Posted: 10/19/07 8:52am
In reply to: Kris 's message, "Confused , upset , disappointed" on 10/18/07 3:36pm

First, congratulations! You deserve to feel joy and happiness with your first pregnancy ;-) This should be a wonderful time for you, and I hope and pray your boyfriend will come around to supporting you (which he probably will, or - as Pat said - it's better to find out now!)

Most importantly, if you don't want to have an abortion, you should DEFINITELY not have one. That is the single strongest indicator that a woman will regret her abortion -if she had it to please someone else and against her own heart's wishes.

Second, if you have an abortion to keep your boyfriend, I can almost guarantee that the relationship will suffer and probably won't last. (In the rare case that the relationship does last, the loss of your first child together will undoubtedly haunt both of you in your life together.) In almost all instances where a woman has an abortion to keep her boyfriend, the boyfriend leaves and she is left without the boyfriend AND without her baby that she sacrificed to keep him. That is so tragic and, unfortunately, we see it time and time again on this board...

So, I hope and pray that you will have the strength to protect your baby. In fact, protecting your baby stands a MUCH better chance of helping you sustain your relationship with your boyfriend at this point. He will, as Pat said, either step up to the plate and support you and your baby or he'll leave anyway (and it's better to find that out now rather than later.) Some boyfriends will threaten things like 'I'll leave you and I'll try to get custody of the baby.' That's purely to scare the woman into aborting. The fact is, once the baby is here he will either want to take an active and loving role in supporting his child OR he will be long gone and you won't have to worry about him (but you'll still have your child! ;-)

So, aborting to please him is a lose-lose (you lose your child and you will likely lose him to, or resent him for the rest of your life), while NOT aborting is a win-win (you will win by having your baby and win by having him support you or having him leave, in which case he's not worth having him stay!;-)

I'll say a prayer for you and for your little one and for your boyfriend, that he come around to realizing the gift he has in you and in your child together!

God bless you,
Sharon

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[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed
Author: Kris [ Edit \| View ]	Date Posted: 10/19/07 5:19pm Hey ... thanks girls. I appreciate the advice. I told him I wasnt getting one , and he said he will be supportive. But after him telling me all this bad stuff about me having this baby he kind of scared me. Im really scared now , I hope im not making the wrong choice here. IM scared now... please talk to me.

[> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 10/21/07 1:45pm

Hi, Kris,

Congratulations, Mom! :)

Right now, you are not that much at risk. If he starts to do anything that you see as a warning, then you can act. You are carrying your baby all the time. So your baby is protected. Maybe there's a slight risk he'll just totally go after you, but I don't think so. That's not that common. So unless he has a history of violence, you should be OK. If he does, you might want to think about ending the relationship. But as long as he is being supportive, I don't see a real problem. If he continued to pressure you, I'd be much more concerned. Be aware, but try not to fret about it. Fears at this stage are normal; it's the hormone thing.

Make his current behavior a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take his word for it. Go get some help from a crisis pregnancy agency; talk to them, and let them help you through this. And as you plan, he will be more at ease. I'm sure he's worried about the future, how this baby will be provided for. I guess the real question now is whether he's feeling like a father, and whether he is prepared to fill that role. You can have some talks with him. Come at it from the direction of how he sees his role, what he is thinking he will do to support and interact with this child. He's past the initial shock, too. It's that initial panic that often makes people act like real jerks. You were also in a state of panic at the time, so you can understand.

Don't hesitate to come here and let us know how you are doing. It's not uncommon for a mother to come often, and to talk with us, and it is a good idea if you need it. Please keep in touch.

You're in our prayers.

Hugs,
Pat