Re: Can't decide? -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Wednesday, April 15, 19:22:05

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, [5], 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

Subject: Re: Can't decide?

Author:
Pat

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 12/19/07 9:35pm
In reply to: Stephanie 's message, "Can't decide?" on 12/19/07 12:34pm

Hi, Stephanie,

It sounds to me like you don't want an abortion. That is coming through very clear. It sounds to me like you are looking for a way out.

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! You already decided you never would again.

If this man cares for you as much as you think he might, he would never expect you to do this. Abortion is dangerous and could kill you or disable you so you can't care for your other children. Whether he wants any children is really beside the point now. He HAS a child. The only choice open to him is whether to have a living child or a dead child. You will resent him if you have an abortion you don't want. You're right: the relationship won't last. There is a chance it will last if you carry your baby. Some men don't accept pregnancy as quickly as we women do, because they don't have the kind of experiences we do. They don't have evidence until they can observe for themselves: a change in our body, hearing the heartbeat, seeing an ultrasound, or feeling movement. Many men then accept and welcome their child at this point. Some don't until birth, and some never do. What kind of man do you have? Is it someone who will cherish you no matter what, or one who expects you to harm yourself in order to remain acceptable to him? It's one way to find out. I'd tell him about the stress he has put you under by telling you it's not a good time for him to be a father, and that if he cares about you, he won't do that to you. As for the stress being too much for him, he's obviously trying to heap it all on you, so he can escape. He can walk away. You can't. Whatever you do will have a permanent impact on your life. It really doesn't matter if he's trying to pressure you or if he's being honest. Either way, you deserve a man who will cherish you both, not one who wants you to submit to such a deep invasion of your body.

Don't assume your children will be upset. If they knew you did away with their sibling, they might be a lot more upset. Regardless of whether they know the reason or not, they'll sense what you are going through, and it will make them insecure. If they figure out the reason, they may either be afraid if they don't measure up, you'll do away with them, too, or they may feel survivor guilt. It will almost certainly make being their mother emotionally more difficult. You will need to be able to go through some counseling or other help to deal with the abortions you already have had, so you can experience emotional and spiritual healing. But don't assume your children will be sad. Why would they? Another sibling means the love goes in more directions.

Here's what I would do. Your mind is telling you in no uncertain terms not to do this. You have already made my decision, but you are afraid you will be coerced. So I'd just tell him quietly but firmly that you have made your decision. You will not have an abortion. He can do whatever he wants, but your decision is firm. Sometimes people will accept it when you tell them that. Tell your mother. Ask for her support. Tell her you want to have this baby, and you need to be able to lean on her. If the father pressures you, repeat, you have made your decision. If he won't leave you alone, leave the room, or refuse to see him for awhile. Tell him you don't want to hear from him until he respects your decision. It's your body, and your choice.

You will probably need some kind of help. Being a single mother with four children isn't easy. You can go to a crisis pregnancy agency and get help. If you need any help locating one, let us know. Also, don't feel you can't graduate. I had a baby in the middle of one of my semesters of college, was out for a week (my choice), and then aced my courses for the semester. I continued to go to school for another year and graduated. At the time, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. With a 13 year old, you can probably lean on him or her for babysitting during class time. If you have to go half time for two semesters, do it, but you may well be able to go fulltime and graduate as planned. Lots of mothers have done it. You are a lot stronger than you think. Give yourself a chance. I know you can do it!

We will be here for you. Come and vent anytime, keep us up to date. We will be here regardless of what you do and we will pray for you. We won't help you hurt yourself and your baby, but we will give you all the support we can give for the both of you. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby!

Hugs,
Pat

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide?

Author:
Sharon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12/20/07 10:14am

Stephanie,

I want to say so much, but I don't know where to start.

First, it really sounds like you don't want to have an abortion, but that you feel there may be no other way (or that it's best for the others in your life.) You know, from experience, how much abortion impacts your life and your emotions. So, I don't need to tell you that. But, I do feel I need to point out that the single most important indicator of whether or not a woman will regret an abortion and suffer emotional fall-out from it is IF she felt SHE didn't WANT to have the abortion but had to have it for external reasons (to keep a job, to not have to quit school, to please a boyfriend, husband, or parents, because she didn't have enough money, etc.) So, I'm REALLY worried that you're setting yourself up for feeling some serious emotional aftereffects.

Second, while your kids might be sad about the prospect of a new sibling at first, I can almost guarantee you they would be thrilled when their little sister or brother finally actually did arrive. Same with your parents. They'd welcome this new little one with open arms.

Third, regardless of your relationship with the baby's father right now, an abortion will likely affect it negatively. You will end up resenting him and it will be a negative force in your relationship. So, if there is hope for this relatioship continuing in a positive way, it is probably most likely if you don't have an abortion. True, it may be that he will leave saying it's just too much responsibility - but if that's the case, you're better off without him. But, it MAY be that he will actually step up to the plate a be a good father. Regardless, the chances for the relationship continuing in a positive way are GREATER if you continue the pregnancy than if you abort.

Fourth, there are a NUMBER of resources that open up to you if you are pregnant. One of the most important is the Women Infants and Children program (WIC). It's through your county health nurse's office. It's a great program that provides you with vouchers for good, healthy food while you're pregnant (and for a year afterwards if you decide to nurse) and for your baby until he or she is 5 years old! You'll get free milk, eggs, cheese, beans, peanut butter, iron-fortified cereal, and juice! It's great (making me hungry just typing this ;-)

Finally, and most importantly, as you know...you can end a pregnancy, but you can't erase it. Right now, your little one has only you to depend upon. His entire being is resting in your hands. I know. I almost aborted my first son 28 years ago. When I look at him and know how close I came to aborting him (I, too, had an appointment but I cancelled it), it sends a chill through me. He is now one of my dearest friends. At the moment I was making "my choice", I was holding all that he has become in my hands. That is a chilling thought. But, I am eternally grateful that I cancelled that appointment.

I'll say a prayer for you, Stephanie, that you have peace and clarity and strength.

Sharon