Re: Couldn't have - Can't have- <font color= black><b>What Pat Said</font></b> -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject:

Re: Couldn't have - Can't have- What Pat Said

Author:
Shellie

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Date Posted: 10/15/07 10:28pm
In reply to: Tara 's message, "Couldn't have - Can't have" on 09/11/07 3:15am

Hi Tara,

Thanks so much for coming back and letting us know what's going on with you! Many of us are indeed pro-life, but that doesn't mean we don't care about the woman involved, or that our knowledge and experience isn't worth hearing.

A really good friend of mine (we've been friends since I was 5 years old) was given a poor prenatal diagnosis very early into the pregnancy. She called to tell me that she was going to abort because the embryo was "behind" in development". She said the doctors had all advised her to abort because the pregnancy was "unhealthy and not progressing adequately". I told her that they could be wrong--that perhaps they were wrong about when she had conceived. She said, "I know when I conceived because we were trying!". I again told her that there could be a mistake. I also told her what Pat recommended to you: "If the pregnancy is what the doctors say it is, the baby won't survive, but you'll be spared the guilt of aborting." Pat gave you wonderful advice when she shared that with you.

I knew Natalie well enough to know that even though she was pro-choice, aborting would have caused her a huge amount of guilt (even if she believed the doctors). She said, "Shellie, you're just pro-life and are trying to get me to not abort!" I told her what I'd like to tell you: "being pro-life doesn't mean I don't have legitimate advice that you should consider. And I'd give you the same advice if I were pro-choice. Doctors are not always right!"

That baby is now 10 years old. A healthy little girl!

Please do continue to keep us up to date.

Take care,

Shellie

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Replies:

[> [> Subject: Re: Couldn't have - Can't have- What Pat Said

Author:
Tara
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Date Posted: 10/24/07 3:32am

As I mentioned in my previous post, this wasn't a quick and easy decision, and I am pretty astounded that this seems to be the assumption.
I don't know why I am even justifying my actions, as this is the last place I thought I would have to - except that I already have so much guilt and now I feel I am getting more.....

I have spoken to 6 specialists, (not including other medical professionals), done hours of research myself and discussed this very seriously with my husband. THAT is how I made my decision.

While I know all advice for the health of the baby has been given with good intentions, there really is a middle ground to be had here; where a woman should be able to speak about her troubles and be met with empathy. Being flooded with miraculous baby stories, and telling me 'what' to do to save the life of my child, or else I'll be 'burdened with guilt forever' is not emotional support. It is biased and almost irresponsible given the mental and emotional state of people who come here expecting sympathy and understanding.

I sincerely hope that you are able to see that perhaps there 'is' a different way to do things.

Farewell,

~Tara

[> [> [> Subject:

Tara, please read...

Author:
Tracey
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Date Posted: 10/25/07 8:20am

Tara~
I have read and re-read your post...and as I read, I have to tell you, I felt both frustrated and saddened. Frustrated because it seems you have totally misunderstood our intentions here. Call us, "biased" all you want, but please know that we are trying desperately to help you see the whole picture. Our main goal is to present other alternatives to abortion not just because we are pro-life, but because we have seen and some have experienced what this does to the very core of a woman. And saddened because we are trying to save you from the guilt and heart-ache of choosing abortion. Abortion is forever..it robs a woman of an amazing gift...think about it--you were told that you were unable to have children and here you are, now pregnant! The timing stinks, but it IS what it IS! Are your circumstances different than others who abort? Of course they are--we're not arguing that at all! We sympathize so deeply with your situation. The thought of having this illness, meds involved, pregnancy...it's so over-whelming!! Our hearts ache for you. But if the doctors are telling you that the fetus won't be viable in continuing the pregnancy, then why not let nature take it's course?? It would spare YOU the guilt of knowing you chose to end the pregnancy..I would much rather live with the thought that I miscarried than I aborted my child. I would much rather know in my heart that I gave this little one EVERY chance at life than know I took away all possibilities. We share personal stories with you, not to guilt you, but to encourage you to see that there is HOPE!!! Tara, we're not claiming to be counselors here or doctors...we're not claiming to know it all--it's just heart breaking that you may make decision and never know if it was a mistake--we are trying to spare you the guilt of that. Call us irresponsible, but we really do want to help you, Tara. You came here heart-broken and we have tried our best to reach out to you. Tara, I believe it is no accident that you found us...I truly believe you have been guided to this site for help. Think about it--there are so many "pregnancy help" sites out there--probably millions and you found our little site in the middle of the night, "crying your eyes out" while your husband was asleep. Do you really think that was just a coincidence or some other higher power guiding it?? Tara, my prayer is that you will have peace with your decision, no matter WHAT it is. We don't judge you!! If you do decide to terminate, we will still be here for you. We have had many women come here and have still chose to abort and have still offered them love and support. Tara, I am praying for you, now, more than ever...I know you need it so desperately. My e-mail is always open if you ever just need to talk. I am praying for your husband as well--this must be very tough for him. If we have offended you, please know that is not our intentions. We love you, Tara and only wish you the very best!!
God bless,
Tracey

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Couldn't have - Can't have- What Pat Said

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 10/25/07 12:22pm

Tara,

I'm sorry you feel that way about us. We are trying to be helpful, and we do NOT think such a decision is ever easy. Women agonize over it, and we know it.

I'm living proof that what doctors say is often dead wrong. It has happened so many times in my life, I have lost count.

If your baby is very badly damaged, he won't survive, but you won't have done anything to cut short the possibilities. From what you told us, if this doesn't happen, the baby will probably be fine, especially if you have the doctor keep track of your progesterone and make sure you have a normal level.

All we are saying is that you should follow your heart. If you are feeling guilt, pay attention. Don't do anything you will regret. I don't know if you have acted on your decision or not. Either way, we will be here for you. We love you and care about you.

You will continue to be in our prayers.

Hugs,
Pat