The Daily Dumbass -- Chan Is Missing

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Date Posted: 10:14:00 02/21/02 Thu
Author: Wayne Zalinski
Subject: The Daily Dumbass

I swear I'm going to go to a bar in Worcester and not hear the typical bar/techno music, and I'm going to have a good time. Someday. Probably when I'm 80 and a day where I do not crap myself is considered "a good time".

I'm having a little trouble getting through to my future ex-wife. Here's the deal. Normally, I'm a pretty brazen fellow. When I deal with the normal sluts I go out with, it's no big deal. I can be upfront and brash, because I know if they aren't going to do it for me, there's a whole bunch more that can. As superficial as it does sound, most of the girls I go out with are like toilet paper. Completely disposable, I'm there more for the sake of being there and fulfilling my youth, rather than because I have a nominal interest in the person. I'm a heartless bastard. Deal with it.

However, if there is a girl, like my future ex-wife, who I could actually see myself being interested in, I go into a shell. It's plain damn obvious that we like each other, whenever we are seen together people ask if we are dating or any of that mushy shit. We don't act like a couple, but we act like we could be dating which is a succint difference.

There are some issues though. She has 3 and a half years on me, which really makes no difference to me at this point, but it makes a huge difference for her. The thing that gets me agitated is that there isn't anything I can do about it. For her, it isn't a maturity issue, it's strictly numerical. So unless I take a vacation to the Dominican Republic and get the Danny Almonte/Rafael Furcal/Ramon Ortiz birth certificate "modification", she may never get over that.

Then there is the whole issue of me. I'm so fucking hung up on the girl, that I forget how act like a normal human being. I'm not obsessed with her, but in the female world she dominates my thoughts. Every girl is now a comparision to her. Like the girl who sits in the cube across from me. A really attractive girl, a better body than my future ex-wife, but without the brains and the personality. I can't even look a her anymore without comparing her to the future ex.

I'm not even sure how to approach her. The last thing I want is for us to be around each other and have it be "weird". Plus the fact that last night we were leaving the gym together and this kid who is always hanging on to her, drives up in his truck, and she just says "bye" to me, and starts talking to him. I call the kid "the bald bastard", not because he balding, but because he does the shaved head thing. Maybe he is balding and that's why he does it. Who gives a shit?

Anyway, my dislike for the guy is pretty intense. Every time I do tricep pushdowns, he wants to do cable crosses, and he acts like he owns the machine. One day, I walked to the water cooler to get a drink, after telling him I had one more set, so what does he do? Disconnects my apparatus and starts doing his stuff. I almost went to his locker to piss on his clothes. He was just begging to get rap videoed. He is just a high caliber jurassic assbag.

I'm just not sure of how to approach her.

I love February vactaion. The roads are 50% clearer than they are on a normal week. Which makes Nick a happy camper.

I'm a big fan of "Combat Missions" 10 P.M. on USA. It's like Survivor for law enforcement, without all the mushy crap. It's grand.

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Replies:

[> The word "shmimin" is not sexist... -- El Porko, Scourge of the South, 11:01:52 02/21/02 Thu

Future ex-wives: You mean "real" future ex-wives, right? Not the kind of ex-wife you think "ah hoo ah ai yi yi" and you go to Vegas and then you think "What the hell was that all about?"

Nicholas, sometimes you just can't "not give a fuck" because the chick just ruins it by being so spot on. The gal I ended up shooting pool with Tuesday turns me into some kind of Mary Kay product. I have gotten used to getting whatever I want, whenever I want, and this chick ruins it for me. I simply cannot articulate anything around her.

I know the feeling, but fortunately for you there's no known cure (alcohol will tend to just make you maudlin around a gal like that) so hopefully you can avoid the trappings of marriage alltogether. Don't be like me. Be like Moses. Run into the desert. If you're lucky, you'll meet some serviceable chick there.

Chances are the reason you go into a shell is because unconsiously you're making this chick out to be pedastal material, and no woman is, ultimately. She'll never really live up to your expectations, so it's better off just not coming to anything close to fruition.

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[> [> AHA! -- jj, 11:49:54 02/21/02 Thu

I take issue with that statement, Mr Wilbanks- They ARE out there. A bitch to find, but they're out there. My wife has absolutely shattered any expectations I may have had for the better. I can honestly say that.

They're hard to find, but they do exist. And for Nick, until you find the right one do everything possible to end up with stories capable of being printed in Penthouse forum. You'll be glad you did when you ultimately have to simmer down.

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[> [> [> I ain't saying a word Manny.....but I want to!!! -- Kosty, 11:56:46 02/21/02 Thu

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[> [> [> [> dick. -- jj "and that's lowercase- if you had said it, it would have been uppercase", 12:21:37 02/21/02 Thu

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[> [> [> [> [> I think what's really funny about this is that if certain truths were known to the public, jj would get a lot less shit about stuff and somebody else (I ain't sayin' who) would get ALL the shit. -- Doc, she told me she was 18, honest, 07:13:50 02/22/02 Fri

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[> [> [> [> [> [> HA! I know what that means..... -- Guy who knows what that means!, 21:27:38 02/22/02 Fri

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[> Methodology -- jj, 11:32:44 02/21/02 Thu

1. ) I'd kick the guy's ass next time he pulls some shit like that. Nothing like being able to take out your festering aggravations on a dickhead that deserves it anyway.

2.) Play the chick thing by ear. Back fully down and go into asshole mode slightly. If that doesn't bring her in, forget about it. I'm not even screwing around- if you happen to net her, then you can go into "regular guy / I'm in love" mode, but the deal is you have to get her first. That ain't gonna happen if she knows she can make reservations at Chez Nicholas any time she wants. Book the joint out for a while. It MIGHT happen if you don't make it easy on her. Chicks go into "I have to do something about this" mode if they're truly interested and you all of the sudden pull a 180. It all sounds juvenile as hell, but I guarantee it will work.

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[> It's real simple: chicks should NEVER cause paralysis. When's the last time you compared one of your dude friends to another dude? Exactly. Never. Go with the gal who will knock back pints with you and doesn't have hang ups.. Everything else is pointless. -- Jake Pyrex, 11:51:02 02/21/02 Thu

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[> [> A-FRIGGIN'-MEN, BROTHER. -- Skip Homeier as Dr. Savrin, 07:04:13 02/22/02 Fri

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