| Subject: Re: Anything in Little Rock or other parts of Arkansas? |
Author:
Lisa
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Date Posted: 12:30:24 02/28/04 Sat
In reply to:
Michael
's message, "Re: Anything in Little Rock or other parts of Arkansas?" on 01:11:58 01/27/04 Tue
Hi there,
I'm sorry to hear you're also (like me) involved with a bpd. We got screwed! BIG TIME!
My husband is a catholic clergy abuse victim from a wealthy alcoholic, etc., family. Our first year of courtship was
incredible - I truly believed I'd had the phenomonal luck to finally meet Prince Charming. However - 3 weeks after our marriage - he began to convert into a sorry mess of a human being.
I first believed it must be because I was a terrible wife - (totally my fault), then (after a year or two) I believed that if I got him help for his abuse/family issues, etc., he'd recover and I'd have my prince back again. So - I led a campaign to the church, hired an attorney and found him the best and most expensive counselors in the country - we even moved to another state to get away from all of his painful memories. Afterall - standing by your husband is what good wives do, right? WRONG!
It's taken me 10 years of debilitating emotional abuse and neglect (as well as $62,840.00 for counselors and medication and treatments and books) to finally find a psychiatrist who has diagnosed BPD. DUH!!! How come it took so long??? So - now after this decade of raging damage I'm now depressed (on prozac), no longer interested in all the things I used to love, and I'm completely hopeless about the future seeing as EVEN IN THERAPY - he's still cycling through his "splitting", "hoovering" and "crisis" about every 24-36 hours. I know that sooner or later I will be so lost in this mess I will truly be unable to do anything to protect myself or get on with my life.
In essence - through the years I've become his victim. I used to be incredibly strong - very active - contributing all over the place person. Now it's a supreme effort to get up in the morning and get myself to work. I'm truly losing it and am afraid that I'm no longer capable of pulling myself out of this very deep hole.
I think I should leave for mental health sake - but I have no energy or inclination to do so. Further - he's constantly telling me "if you just believed in me THIS time then I might be able to make a go of it, but if you don't support me I won't be able to get better". (This is after 10 years of lost jobs, outright lies, financial ruin, broken dreams, rages, etc.) He's right though - I don't believe a word he says - why would I? Yet - he makes it my responsibiity to do so (or "you're not doing what wives need to do for their husband's").
I have - in the past - bailed him out of everything, paid the bills, kept my teaching job for 10 years and remodeled the house - all while he was accessing gay porno sites and telling me how "hurt" he was by his childhood traumas. Isn't there a point where a wife no longer has to tolerate this crazy behavior? (Rhetorical question). I'm on my second marriage and I really wanted this to work. I don't want to fail in another relationship, nor do I want the guilt associated with leaving a very sick person. Does anyone in Arkansas relate to what I'm writing here?
I know he's wrong and sick and lost - yet - I'm still here treading water in a shark tank. I need some help from real live people who understand the psychology behind this terrible disease called "BPD".
I've read Walking on Eggshells and am in the middle of the workbook. This is now creating more problems because I no longer listen to his 'cons' and he can't manipulate me as much as he used to. So now - He's REALLY mad most of the time. I'm afraid and ashamed most of the time, but, I'm beginning to actually beieve that maybe life without him wouldn't be so bad afterall. At least I'd sleep at night instead of listen to him talk about his anger and fear. Do they EVER give it up and get on with life? I think not!!!
If anyone is interested in conversing - please write back. I'd truly appreciate your input.
Thanks so much. Lisa
>>I just realized that my boyfriend has BPD. He had me
>>believing that I was at fault for everything. If you
>>know of anything remotely near me, please send an
>>email message to me. Thank you!!
>
>I just got to this website now. I've had xbpgf and
>she is continuing to hoover me. I am in central
>Arkansas. Please contact me. I had no idea there
>were others in Arkansas. But then again, now it
>doesn't surprise me.
>
>I hope to hear from you.
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