Team News -- Proforma Pirates

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Date Posted: 08:15:29 05/16/02 Thu
Author: The Fingernator
Subject: Team News

The Proforma Pirates continued their losing streak last night, extending their season-opening slide to six games, in front of zero fans, at the Brookline Ave Field last night. While we're not sure if a 6-game streak is a record, we are certain that some other records were set last night.

Game 1 featured an undermanned Pirates squad facing the Sports Grille Boston. The game got off to a late start, as the Pirates 40% attendance rate nearly caused a forfeit. Luckily, Assistant GM Kevin Ryan was able to sign David, A Kelly Leak/Elian Gonzalez/Danny Almonte Pony Leaguer to a 1 day contract in exchange for a "Lord of the Rings" DVD and some grease for his bicycle chain. David proved to be grade A Pirate material, as he couldn't catch, and hit into an inning ending double play. As the Pirates and Sports Grille battled through a couple of scoreless innings, Team Auditor Matt MacDonald magically appeard on the bench, wearing a pink dress shirt, khakis, and dress shoes. He claimed that Team Security Head Jay Tully was somewhere in Eastern Mass with his equipment, but apparently Tully was under orders from the warden and was busy chasing Andy Dufrene to a field in Buxton, Maine, and never made it to the field. Shoeless Matt MacDonald then turned into Fuzzy Maca, as he sported his size twelve golf shoes, and new glove (which was nicknamed Kerry Strug later on in the night for it's trampoline-like tendencies) at 1st base. This meant we had to waive young David, who left the field faster than an Altar Boy at a NAMBLA convention. The Arrival of Maca couldn't help the Pirates, who again allowed a big 10 run inning, and went down to the Sports Grille. There were some positives for the Pirates, as the bats started to come alive late in the game. Unfortunately, John The Rally Killer Walsh should have worn his golf shoes as well, as he hosted a Yard Sale on the 3rd base line trying to score from second on a single. Thankfully he did not injure himself, especially since it appears that there is a contagious Hamstring bug running through the clubhouse. On the strength of the 10 run inning, the Pirates lost, 14-8 After falling in Game 1, however, there were enough good signs that we were positive going into the nightcap.

Unfortunately for the Pirates, we thought that the term "doubleheader" meant that we had to double the amount of outs that we gave the other team. The top of the 1st was another disaster, as the Pirates again found themselves in the hole, and couldn't fight their way out of it, going down in the nightcap 15-6. Not much else to report...the hitting gets better, the fielding gets worse, and the schedule looks to be getting more difficult. The Pirates need to keep their heads up, start showing up, and things can improve on Monday, as we host another doubleheader. Let's get it going.

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