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Date Posted: 08:55:40 05/13/16 Fri
Author: BryonM (great story and question)
Subject: Re: It's everywhere.
In reply to: Susan 's message, "Re: It's everywhere." on 10:44:40 05/04/16 Wed

Hi Susan,

I don't think I can pinpoint it to any one single moment. There were two or three that stick out though. The one that gave me the biggest push was when my brother asked me not to come to his daughter's birthday party, and he was direct and blunt about it -- he didn't want my attitude rubbing off on his daughter because they were beginning to wonder if she might be lesbian. It wasn't that I was overtly being anti-gay, but it was always in the air when I was around. That was such a slap in the face, and when he said I was pushing away the people who wanted to help, and then blaming them for not being there, that was a jolt that woke me up. Nobody had told me how I was coming across that bluntly and I needed to hear it and that day I happened to be receptive to it.

The other was one I only briefly talked about here, but just as my divorce was coming to the closing stages, my best friend of 20 some years died suddenly. That put everything in such a different perspective and when I was with my ex, and her new partner and the lawyers, and it was turning so stupid and petty, childish really, I was thinking wait til I tell Chris about this, just a reflex thought, and then remembering I can't tell him any of this, he's gone. And I looked at my ex right in the eye - mind you I wasn't angry - I was in pain - but I had a vision of Chris' grave and I blurted out to her, "Is this really the way you want me to remember you now, is it really? Would you put this on your tombstone?" She knew what I was going through because of the double whammy at once, and she got it. That's why for a while I kept saying on here, I *know* her, and I *know* she is not a monster, I just know that.

I didn't have a laugh-out loud moment, maybe it's still coming, but those two moments stand out. The divorce and death was first, and the talk from my brother was about a year later, and that was what got me to find a therapist. The thing was, I don't think I've ever been anti-gay or homophobic, but I was just so oblivious to what's so obvious now.

There was one other, it was an exercise I did when I was in an "experiential" weekend thing (hey, I'm in LA, we do those things out here). The tasks were individualized to each of us (this was 3-day event). My task was to wear a button on my shirt all day, at breaks, at lunch, going out about town, etc. It was a Gay Pride button, I don't remember what it said, something like "I'm not gay but my boyfriend is" and I was supposed to wear it for as long as I could, and pay attention to when I wanted to take it off, what was going on and what was I feeling and thinking? I took it off before lunch - I didn't want people to think I might be gay while I was out buying a bagel sandwich. How stupid, I'm not gay, I don't know any of these people at the bagel store, I'll never see any of them again, so who cares what they think, right? Nope, I actually worried that a total stranger might think I'm gay and so I took the button off. I didn't even make through lunch that day. That was when I really, truly got it about my ex.

Like I said, this is not easy, it's hard and it challenges you, but nobody can do it for us, we have to do it.

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