Just Wondering has given you plenty of good advice -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, [5] ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 16:25:41 05/16/16 Mon
Author: Kel
Subject: Just Wondering has given you plenty of good advice
In reply to: Sue 's message, "Need your help, Kel!" on 23:40:35 05/14/16 Sat

I'll go one step beyond and say that I would set up a separate email account JUST for dating. Make sure that when it asks what name you want to give on the account's outbound identification that you choose something that isn't your name. I wound up coming up with a separate name altogether. This was because I had plenty of men do the same thing but they came across as "bighands69", and I thought that was crass and gross. So my name was Kelly Frederick at the time, and I used the alias of Kathleen French. It had the advantage of the intriguing email address of FrenchK@...com. Lol. My point is that it wasn't my name, but it was easy to transition them over to my real name if that time came. And it was personal and classy enough that men liked it. I communicated ONLY through the dating site's server until I was uber comfortable with giving out my email address - which was, of course - not really my real name anyway. Lol. So I was safe.

I usually had several email encounters through the dating site's server, then maybe some on my "fake" email, then maybe we'd speak on the phone. At which time we were usually also texting. Meeting was after several hours of talking on the phone going well, and then not sending up any obvious red flags. I'd meet them in a very public place - a busy restaurant like Chili's or a Starbucks. I would park somewhere with lots of visibility - not in the back corner of a parking garage. I'd let a friend know that I was going - what the man said his name was, and what his phone number is. I'd tell them where I was going, and then text a few times throughout the evening - "I'm leaving for the restaurant now". "I made it here - going in." "He seems nice - everything's fine". Then "I'm headed back to my car now. Please call me if you don't hear from me in 10 minutes". "Back in car, headed home". "Back home - I'll fill you in tomorrow on the details." There was usually one bathroom break too - to let the friend know if I needed an "emergency call" in a half-hour or so - the kind where they call you and you beg off to leave, because this isn't going well (just disappointing - not dangerous!) and I wanted to beg off. I'd say that the babysitter called and one of my children threw up. Gotta go!

I never advertised what town I was in - just what major town I lived NEAR. This was easy since the town I lived in seemed to be unknown, but the next town over was well known. Giving them the "I live in the Meadowstream area" thing worked - gave them info on what area without giving the exact town. They don't need to know that up-front.

People WILL ask you questions that you have the right not to answer. "So, Meadowtown area, eh? In Meadowtown itself?" Me: "In the Meadowtown area - yes". Men do understand that women will be protective of info. If they can't be respectful of that, then MOVE.ON.

There is no right or wrong way to do things - just ways that worked best for me. Just Wondering preferred to winnow it down to one person. I winnowed it down to just people that I was very interested in. I won't say that I needed people to be VERY attractive, but I did believe that I needed to be attracted to them, and therefore rejected all those that I found unattractive, or that I couldn't see myself ever being attracted to. This only works if you're left with at least a few men standing in the end. Ha ha.

For the actual ads - I hate to say it - but if you're moderately attractive and sound like you're not a psycho, you're going to have a ton of interest. Lol. Be choosy. It's not a race. Don't OVERcommunicate who you are. I've seen people describe themselves down to the colors of their tattoos, and that's just overkill. You are not a piece of clothing. Give people a general idea of who you are, and of what you're looking for. Then weed through it with communication with who you're attracted to.

Here's a VERY general ad that would work:

Hi, I'm Sandra. I'm 42, live in the Meadowtown area, and am a big fan of wine tastings and weekend roadtrips to the country. I have two middle schoolers who reside with me. I work full time in a 9-5 job. I'm 5'6", a size 16, and have brown hair and blue eyes. I love to hang in blue jeans and t-shirts on the weekends, but am also fond of dressing up for date night. I enjoy going to the movies, coffee shops, farmer's markets and joyrides in convertibles. I dislike horror movies, mushrooms and crass humor.

I'm looking for someone my age, within 20 minutes of my area. I like tall, dark men, and adore a Harley rider. Looking for someone spontaneous who enjoys a variety of activities and can hang with family and friends occasionally. No heavy drinkers or smokers, please. Must be gainfully employed and self-supporting. I prefer to meet only after having several successful communications via email and telephone.

----------------------------------------------------------

I always eliminated people who didn't know how to carry on conversation. There will always be that guy who says, "Hi" for his entire communication. Okay, give it a shot. Say, "Hi, how are you?" back. If you get a "fine", MOVE ON. This dude's got nothin' to say. Lol. If you hear things like, "You sound like you could be discreet", that means "because you're gonna need to be - because I'm married". If you hear, "How u doin? Chu up to tanite?" RUN. You are a grown up. Either they're not, or they don't know how to act. These could be the greatest guys in the world in person, but if they're not trying to present themselves in a decent light at the outset, then why bother?

If you get to the point of a date, know that how you present yourself does send a message to them - whether you intend it to or not. So be intentional about your message. If you show up wearing a micro mini and stillettos, then they WILL think you're wanting to hook up. You're sending that message, anyway. Don't blame them for catching the ball you throw. If you show in pants, they don't know if you even wear femenine clothing. Wear something that shows off your best assets without saying that they're up for grabs. Don't overdo the makeup or the hairspray. Just be you, presented in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.

I made it a practice to tell a man ONCE if they were coming on too strongly. Seems there are a lot of men out there that are hoping that if they put out the sexual vibe with an overt compliment, they figure you know they're interested. Newsflash - if they're talking to you, they're interested. If they come on too strongly, then say so. There are a LOT of men that will say things like, "What are your turn-ons?" You can play that off and say, "A man doesn't get that kind of info until they need it". Or you can say something general, like "I love kissing and passion". just know that any door you allow to be cracked open WILL have a foot jut through it. Lol.

Here's one lesson that I learned the hard way. It flies in the face of everything that comes natural to me, but if you're not truly interested in someone, STOP communicating with them. Any communication with them says that you are open to them still trying. I know - crazy. But if you say nicely (whether before meeting or after), "It's been nice getting to know you better. But I think we aren't a good match. Good luck in your dating adventures", he is going to have one of a few different responses: 1) Okay, thanks - bye. 2) (no response whatsoever), or 3) What? Why? What did I do? or 4)Whatever, whore, you're a fat cow anyway. 1 and 2 rarely if ever happen. 3 happens a lot. 4 should NEVER happen, but it does. And after they do that, block them. Never communicate again. Radio silence.

If 3 happens, you can either not reply, or if you're feeling like they're looking for honest feedback, you can choose to give it to them. Just know that it's only one in a million shot that they're going to say, "Okay, thanks for the feedback". It won't matter WHAT you say, they will try to twist it. You can say that you really prefer darker men, and they'll say, "I can die my hair!", or "So you're predjudiced against blonde men?" It's just not worth it. If they're really doing something that you feel they could be better off learning - like coming on too strongly - you can tell them. But they're not going to understand anyway. They're grown ups - if they didn't pick up on social cues by now, it's not going to be picked up by you, either.

Often I would go on a date and know almost immediately that it wasn't going to work. Maybe the person had misrepresented themselves in their photos. Or maybe they were rude to the waitstaff, or wouldn't make eye contact when they talked to you. I never tell them when I'm out with them - I always told them after I'd bid them goodnight after a hearty handshake. I'd do it as soon as I got home - give them "I'm so glad I got to meet you, but I don't feel the chemistry here" thing. They of course always responded with "You DON'T? But didn't you notice we both ordered the same soup? This can work! Just give it another shot!" thing. Ugh. Just move on. Don't answer any future correspondance from them. For this reason, I'd always put their name in my phone with an "X" in front of their name if I'd crossed them off my list. That way when if they called or texted, I'd see the X and just know that no matter who it is, I'm not interested.

You should also change your phone's vm to the standard "You have reached (555)555-1212" recording - no name or voice.

It all sounds very intense, but it can be a TON of fun! And you can change what you're looking for over time as you become more clear on what you like. Never (as a female) say, "Just looking for a fun time" and then expect to get anything but men trolling for a hookup. Always error on the side of being coy, even if you ARE just looking for a hookup! Lol.

Best of luck!

Kel

p.s. - I had the best luck on "specialty" sites. I'm a larger woman, so I went onto a BBW site. I'd be largely ignored on a "regular" site, but on a BBW site, it'd be like shooting fish in a barrel. I'd easily be able to differentiate between people who were true fans of BBWs vs. someone that "heard that big girls give better head". You can just tell from their tone what they're looking for.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Re: Just Wondering has given you plenty of good advice -- Still Wondering (That's good information!), 17:58:07 05/16/16 Mon