| Subject: Re: The script continues |
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HORSE!
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Date Posted: 17:56:42 08/12/02 Mon
In reply to:
's message, "Re: The script continues" on 00:53:33 08/06/02 Tue
>Polk
>Oh I just love this.
>
>Man
>I- I can't do it if you're watching.
>
>Polk
>Shy bladder, eh? Well then I'll just be going.
>
>The Man stares as Polk goes through the wall.
>
>He goes back to the urinal and begins to pee. He
>looks contenetened. (contented)
>
>Then he looks down to make sure his aim is good and
>suddenly screams. Polk is back, in the urinal cake.
>
>Polk
>Oh yeah, that's the stuff.
>
>The man screams and runs out of the room, leaving
>small pools of piss.
>
>Polk's apparation gets out of the urinal and begins
>walking around.
>
>Lincoln's ghost appears by him.
>
>Lincoln
>Oh God, there you are. You're just fucking nuts
>President Polk. You call yourself the ghost of a
>president?
>
>Polk
>Well, President Lincoln, I rest assured that no one
>ever even knows who the fuck I am. Now clean me up.
>
>Lincoln
>Yeah.
>
>Lincoln begins licking the piss off of Polk.
Int. Night Club. An emcee stands at the mic. On the brick wall behind him hangs a sign that says "Yuk Chucklers!"
Emcee
Alright Let's hear it for Bobby "Angry as Hell" Rizzo. Ok, our next performer tonight is gonna do some magic for you folks. His name is Gunther the Unfathomable. Hey, Gunther, let's not bend any spoons tonight, alright? The night Yuk Chucklers has to pay for that, huh? (waits for laughter, but get FUCKING NONE!) Ok, Here he is, Gunther the Unfathomable!
Scattered applause. Gunther jumps onto the stage. He's wearing an all black outfit. A button up shirt with a breat pocket and shiny pants not unlike the kind you'd wear for running (if you aren't morbidly obese.) He wears a cape and speaks with a somewhat transylvanian. His hair is long and black, slicked back. He has a pointy mustache and goatee.
Gunther (seriously)
Ladies and Gentleman. What you see tonight may astound you, for you are about to be magicalized!
As he finishes this sentence a puff of fire rises from his hand. We now can notice that his pants are squirming.
Gunther
For my first trick - I vill make appear the animal of your choice - You sir!
He points to a man who has obviously been planted. This man is dressed exactly as Gunther and speaks with the same accent but thicker. He has the sae hair and facial hair.
Plant
I vant to see a RABBIT!
Gunther
A rabbit you Vant, then a rabbit you will get.
Gunther reaches into his pants and struggles (COMICALLY) for about ten seconds. He winces in pain now and again. He finally pulls the rabbit from his pants and hold it above his head with triumph.
Plant
OH MY VORD! IS INCREDIBLE!
Gunther
NOW YOU SEE THE PowvER...OF MAGIC!!
very weak applause, with the exception of the plant who is clapping his fucking HANDS OFF HIS FUCKING ARMS! Gunther smiles sinisterly and with the rabbit above his head he lets it fall to the ground, at which point it cries. A few in the audience are heard to gasp.
Gunther
Ladies and Gentlemen, you have had but a taste of the supreme power of the magician. And sadly my time is limited. If my powvwers vere but a little stonger I could extend our time together, but there are more funny-men who need the stage. I vill give you one more glimpse into the world of magistry, but for this feat of amazing I vill need two volunteers.
The plant raises his hand immediately.
Gunther
You, sir, come up.
As the plant gets up on stage we pan across the disinterested audience. we see tim and greg and CHRIS TAYLOR. as we pass them we can hear chris say:
I'm gonna do it!
Chris
I'll do it
Gunther and the plant look at eachother with concern.
Gunther
Vell, you see, ve can't use you...I mean I can't use you because...vell, because
Plant
Because he can't
We see Chris's happy face fall.
As Gunther calls for more volunteers we pan past more tables and to whom does the camera come? PAUL AND JESUS. They sit near the back apparently spying on Tim and Greg. For fun Paul is pointing at Jesus.
Paul
He'll do it!
Jesus (to Paul)
Don't be a jerk.
Paul
He says he'll do it.
Paul shove Jesus up.
Gunther
AH, very good. Please come to the stage.
Jesus
I...I don't...
Tim
Do it, pussy.
Jesus
He was Joke...
Greg
Get the fuck up there, pussy.
Gunther
Yes please, come to the stage.
Jesus walks to the stage, looking back at Paul with fear and anger
Gunther
Applause for this brave and attractive man.
Weak applause
Gunther
Now I vill place your mind in another land - a magical land.
Gunther pulls out three small silver rings.
Gunther
Vhat is your name, sir?
Jesus
Jesus. I just...
Gunther
Jesus, I need you to tap these Magic rings of mine. Tap them three times.
Jesus does it with fear.
Jesus
Ok, you can take it from here
Jesus starts to walk off stage. The plant grabs him and pulls him back.
Gunther
Thank you, stranger. The magic is not over, Jesus. Jesus, I need you to close your eyes while I cast the magic spell with my gestures.
Jesus stares frozen with fear.
Plant (angrily)
Close your eyes, sir.
Gunther (soothingly)
Yes, close them
Jesus closes his eyes. Gunther starts moving his hands wildly. He raises his left hand in an attempt to bring the audience's attention up high. With his right hand he sticks the rings in his back pocket and then grabs jesus' package. jesus jumps back in shock but keeps his eyes closed. Gunther nods "yes" to the plant and the plant pushes jesus back.
Gunther
You may open your eyes...Now, you see the rings have disappeared. What I need you to do now is reach into my pocket as Vlad reaches into yours...
Jesus
how do you know his name? i thought ne was a volun...
Gunther
MAGIC! now, reach into my pocket.
Jesus stands there, frozen. the plant reaches into Jesus' front pocket and starts rubbing furiously.
Gunther
Very good vlad. NOW YOU DO THE SAME TO ME!
Gunther grabs jesus's hand and shoves it in his front pocket.
Gunther
Now mover it around.
Jesus does hesitantly
Gunther
Like you mean it. (pause) Now reach into Vlad's.
Vlad reaches into Jesus' other front pocket and with his free hand starts to undo jesus' shirt buttons.
Gunther
These rings are in here somewhere.
Greg
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Chris
But tim's in the bathroom.
Cut to the bathroom. Tim is standing at the urinal. Under the door of the stall we see the tied hands and feet of two men. One has a long white beard and mustache - very wizardly looking, the otherlooks to be his young apprentice (how exactly, I don't know) we go to a close up of the old man's face.
Old Man
Please help us - they're destroying the vork of all good magicians.
Piss starts to hit the ground near the old man's face. The old man flinches as his face is misted.
Tim (the shot stays on the old man who is about to cry)
Aww fuck - you're breaking my concentration.
As he says this we see two then three distinct streams of piss spilling near the old magician's face. The old man starts to cry.
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