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Date Posted: 10:20:30 10/18/03 Sat
Author: Lynne Lopatin
Subject: 
The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents
I am an American woman who had a child in 1983, at the age of 28. To make an extremely long story short, I lost custody when she was five to my ex-husband. He alleged every awful thing about me that was possible, and I contacted the local fathers' rights groups for help, since there were no non-custodial mothers' groups. Unfortunately, nothing could be done. I was able to maintain visitation with my daughter until 1994, when her father announced that he was moving from Southern California to Seattle, Washington in violation of the court order. If I tried to stop him, he would file charges that my current husband had sexually abused the child.
They moved; I saw my daughter only three times after that. During the last visit, just a few months before my husband died of cancer, I realized that I could never be alone with this child again. She had been filled with anger and hatred towards me, and created such fear in me that I could not be safe alone with her. She is now 20, and I have no contact with her whatsoever, and sadly it feels safer that way (though now that she is an adult, I no longer have to worry about false charges of sexual abuse and so forth...)
Apparently the courts in England are similar to those in America. Here, not paying court-ordered child support is a criminal act, prosecuted by the government. Violating every other aspect of a child custody agreement is a civil act, requiring the non-custodial parent to hire an attorney (if they have money) or simply living with the violations even as they pay their child support.
As non-custodial fathers point out, the courts seem biased in favor of awarding custody to women; hence a woman who does not receive custody is perceived as highly aberrant.
Because the divorce and custody issues become a husband vs. wife thing, a man vs. woman thing, we tend to turn this into a father vs. mother argument. It is not. It is about the legal positions of the custodial vs. non-custodial parents. It is about how the courts do not perceive the non-custodial parent as having any rights at all to continue parenting their children. It is about how there are no child advocates in the court system, no one looking after the welfare of the children, as if the only contribution the non-custodial parent can make toward the child is monetary.
As long as we phrase the argument in terms of bad, deserting deadbeat dad who doesn't want to pay against madonna mum whose standard of living collapses and who can't manage on her own, we tacitly support the assumptions of the system... When the argument transcends gender and is not about "Men's Rights" but about the rights of children to be parented by a supportive team of parents of different gender...maybe we can change things.
I attended meetings of a group named "Call Me Daddy" for a few months. I wanted to spare my husband some of my pain, and work out my "issues" in forum more conducive to healing. Even though, intellectually, the men knew that I, too, was suffering, they had understandably negative feelings about women... The man who started the group was an articulate black man in a black part of town, and most of the others were his peers, so they had a hard time identifying a the little Jewish female. On the other hand I, as a female, am used to tuning in to the pain of men.
Now I am a widow, alienated from my only child, caring for my increasingly disabled and thoroughly nasty mother (I am an honorable sort, despite what my ex-husband would have you believe...) The sadness is no longer about an adult and a child, but about two adults, neither of who will have the support of a primal relationship between generations.
If we want to change the way the courts and society see parenting responsibility, we have to address the issue of non-custodial parenting and not quibble about man/woman things.
I am in too much pain...20 years later...to want to work on it. And fortuntately humans domesticated the dog a hundred thousand years back, so I've got a good friend...
Love to all who hurt over parenting,
Lynne
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- Chris, 19:12:57 11/13/03 Thu
Lynne, I completely understand and agree with you 100%.
A sole custody system is nothing more than a status quo system which rewards the first person who files a divorce action .. inevitably, it does not matter who is better as a sole custodian or otherwise given the courts use "presumptions" related to who ever has the child on the date of filing or who was the primary caretaker on the date of filing. The courts just freeze the current arrangement in place. A presumption is nothing more than "pre-judging" or prejudice, pure and simple. Unfortunately, this predjudice is so extreme that it defies the usual treatment for presumptions in courts.... when any competent evidence is brought forth, then the presumption is abandoned and a completely bias free examination of the facts is then accomplished. The only purpose of a presumption for the rest of the law is the serve as a starting place, not a nearly unsurmountable obstacle that is designed to be impossible to overcome in order to transfer custody or make alternate custody arrangements. Thus, the family law courts have decided to make their job easy by invoking presumptions aka predjudice against a particular party because the courts have decided not to conduct a searching inquiry into a matter. Complicating matters further is the fact that there is almost always someone in the family law court throwing out enormous lies of extraordinary proportions. In fact, it seems that if a lie is big enough, it is presumed to be the truth because, after all, nobody would lie about "that" .. ranging from abuse, molestation to you name it. The courts have taken the approach that if an amazing allegation is made, then they will take the path of supposed safety towards the children and just assume it is the truth. In many cases and years later, when the courts, lawyers and legions of experts have finally come to the conclusion that no abuse has occured and one of the spouses had lied about everything, what do the courts do? Do they throw the offending spouse in jail when the child psych experts universally conclude that the other spouse who had been cut completely off from his/he child during the kangaroo court investigation? nope. The courts yawn at the amazing perjury and laugh off the suggestion that the lying ex spouse be forced to pay all of the legal bills and a change of custody is warranted. no, lying, perjury and other such misdeeds have been proven to be a wonderful way to exacting successful revenge on an ex spouse with no repercussions whatsoever. So, under this system, you should plan on making the biggest set of lies imaginable, and you will not only destroy your ex spouse, but you might even get away with custody. It is said that if you tell your children enough times there is a monster under the bed, they will believe you. After all, you are their parent... why wouldn't they? What happens during this whole mess if your ex spouse decided to get remarried and then force your child to call that person "mommy" or "daddy"? Do the courts recognize the damage that will be done when the ex spouse gets his/her second divorce and the second "mommy/daddy" is gone forever without any child support or otherwise obligation? nope. they got the right to be called that, then skipped town -- with the children wondering who will be their next mommy/daddy and when they will abandon them without any responsibility whatsoever.
The only way to counter the first to file system is to make up amazing lies or to take advantage of the system and lie in wait to file your divorce suit when your spouse makes a big mistake or you start taping the other person to catch them in lies etc. Is this the kind of system that makes any sense in a civilized society which cares for the children and recognizes that what is in the best intersts of the family is what is normal, not the narrow vision of what is in the best intersts of the child. That has never worked in the history of human psychology, and will not work today.
The bottom line is that shared physical and legal custody as a presumption with both parties, and whoever screws it up loses custody and might just get visitation taken away is the way to go. This will correct a number of problems. First, men/women stay in horribly abusive relationships with their spouses because they know full well they will lose most of their contact/relationship with their children when a divorce is filed and they have been setup by the living arrangements contrived by a smart spouse seeking to dump the other, lack money to protect their relationship with their children or are afraid of the other spouse who will go bezerk if cut off from their children. If shared custody is guaranteed, then the second sexual revolution will occur where men/women are no longer desperately dependent on a capricous spouse to stay in relationships just to make sure they have relationships with their children. Second, there will be a big dis-incentive for people to act like fools after the divorce occurs. Right now, courts only enforce child support monetary obligations and pretend that visitation and the relationship between non-custodial parents and their children are completely unimportant or not worth bothering with. The result is that custodial parents end up using their power as custodial parents to conduct a terror campain on their ex spouse, usually motivated by a desire for revenge that has blinded them to the damage that is done to the children.
Bottom line is that the current system is extremely broken and social scientists have noted the extraordinary increase in juvenile crime and adolescent/adult life dysfunction that is generated from these trainwreck messes, which the courts only make worse through idiotic application of presumptions and status quo setups.
It is even more interesting when one considers that if a party intervenes in a situation, such as trying to rescue someone, if you make the situation worse by your intervention, you are legally responsibile for the increased damage due to your incompetent attempt at assistance. Are the courts responsible for when they make things worse through blundering ignorance, attorney/barrister misconduct or indifference by judges? They have a duty to make the best choices, and their results have been universally decried as creating deep pools of misery that have life long consequences on all parties... the exception being the judges and lawyers who profit at the expense of the children.
Even more interesting is the idea that if the so called professionals involved in family court were subjected to the scrutiny that doctors and engineers were subjected to in tort/negligence suits, the divorce industry and family law judges would be virtually wiped from the face of the earth due to amazing verdicts from juries that would find case after case of negligence and malpractice. I find it grimly amusing that the courts could not stand up to the same scrutiny and standards that they demand from other professions. It is the height of hypocrisy to demand one standard of behavior from citizens, but be entirely incapable and unwilling to be held responsible for their own misdeeds and disasters.
A complete overhaul of the basic instutition of divorce and child custody is needed before yet another generation has their childhood wrecked for little gain.
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- Ann Jordan, 02:34:56 07/02/04 Fri
I also lost my 2 daughters to my ex-husband and have since remarried and had 2 more children (both boys). The courts have been charging me interest on my arrears while I informed them that I was unable to work, firstly due to high risk pregnancies and then due to financial hardship - WORKING COSTS MONEY! (ie. daycare, second vehicle, etc.) My current husband works 2 jobs to try and support me and the 2 boys and also helps me pay my support when he can but my arrears is growing. I tried to get a Review and Adjust from the support agency but, after 2 years of waiting and contacting them for an answer, they denied it saying I must provide proof of applying at 5 jobs per week until I find employment. I've explained to them that I have 2 more children to support and take care of but they don't care.
My case is taking place in Wisconsin. I recently signed the Non-custodial Parent petition online at http://www.petitiononline.com/usncpr/petition.html in hopes that someone will help me and change the system all together for other moms and dads who have remarried and want a new family.
My plan is to contact some other organizations that might be able to help me be able to stay home with my 2 boys. My 2 daughters only get to see me every third weekend. My oldest daughter has been talked out of coming to my home and hasn't spent visitation with me in over 4 years.
To my knowledge, my ex,who is remarried also, is collecting support from me while his new wife is collecting support from her ex as well as alimony and they operate their own business. They frequently leave my 2 daughters home alone while they go out making money and then buy my daughters things like computers, horses, kitties, dogs, video games and all kinds of gifts to keep them from wanting to live with me - and it's still working.
My ex-husband had the opportunity to work out a share placement arrangement with me so that neither of us would have to pay support to the other. But apparently he wanted the money instead of what was in the best interest of our children and the courts simply gave him everything he asked for. And, yes, he said every lie about me in court he could think of to get it.
I would never wish divorce on my worst enemy - if I had one. Maybe I'm divorced from him.
Sincerely,
Ann Jordan
Wisconsin, US
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- Cherl , South Carolina, 18:34:24 09/04/04 Sat
It is so nice to know I'm not a bad parent like I was starting to make myself believe. Almost 5 years ago, I lost custody to my ex on all 3 of our children. He also lied. He told me he wanted a divorce because he didn't love me anymore...eventually, we agreed upon a non-contested divorce. When I arrived at court, he had a lawyer and was saying I abandoned him and the kids and that I was mentally and physically abusive to the the children. I was so devastated. I have been ever since. I pay him child support and obey my court order, of course he has total disregard for it. I have been trying to hold in contempt for 4 years now. There are times that he will not let me talk to or see our kids for months at a time. He has remarried also and added to more kids to their family.....now I pay more child support because he has more mouths to feed as he put it to me. He was awarded more child support. He owns his own business which he has moved to a town 30 minutes away. He does'nt lack for money and definitly does not need child support, but I do it, even when I don't get to see my children...I have yet to remember or understand where and why and how I lost custody of my children. It's depressing.
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents - a Father's story in Virginia/Maryland -- Ed, 09:46:28 09/18/04 Sat
I've been reading these entries and replies herein while in search of answers for paternal Fathers like me who are non-custodial parents, and finding few, except the proverbial: "...legal system is flawed...," etc.
I too am a victim of a legal bias against non-custodial parents, myself a Father now excluded from any physical contact with my 14 year-old son's life by a attorney Ex-wife. She knows I can only contest her failure to provide consent ordered physical visitation and phone access in a contempt suit I can't afford to initiate, and I pay my MD child support electronically without fail on a monthly basis since 1998 Divorce.
Even the Montgomery County court appointed attorney claimed in a letter she is powerless to help me obtain visitation since there is no active motion in court on denied visitation...the courts presume that legally once child support is paid, non-custodial parents will receive legally entitled visitation automatically, and there are no County or state court mechanisms to help enforce the rights of non-custodial parents.
I too was forced in court to give up joint custody in 1998 owing to my imminent overseas deployment into combat while on active duty with the armed forces, and now am feeling the loss of fathering my son years later in a lop-sided legal situation I'm powerless to change. It's a shame congress, state and local governments don't accord more tax dollars to solving the broken home problems and single-parent decay of children resulting from inability of non-custodial parents, regardless of sex, to have a meaningful role in their childrens' lives, just because of vindictive sole-guardian parents bias and inaction in the civil courts.
I feel for all those sentiments expressed herein, regardless of the gender of the non-custodial parent as I'm one too. The social and legal system in these regards does need repair and revision.
Ed M Sept 2004
Virginia
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents - a Father's story in Virginia/Maryland -- Peter Ashlock (Perpetual irritation), 19:28:02 04/09/12 Mon
I'm with you. My case is over 25 years old, the kids are grown and I still am being stigmatized and harassed by the DSHS Child Support people in Washington State where my ex kidnapped my children to and they protected her, telling her only to "not do it again" when I complained.
You are right, non custodial parents are assumed to be villains and treated like criminals. They of course deny that they do that, but the preponderance of experience is with people like us who did not choose the situation and if we had the money to contest the situation they would petition for an increase in payments and demand to know where the money came from. They act like pit bulls with their teeth around your neck.
I'd like to start a national petition to pressure the various state governments to change the archaic and mean spirited pseudo laws that criminalize without charging.
>I've been reading these entries and replies herein
>while in search of answers for paternal Fathers like
>me who are non-custodial parents, and finding few,
>except the proverbial: "...legal system is flawed...,"
>etc.
>
>I too am a victim of a legal bias against
>non-custodial parents, myself a Father now excluded
>from any physical contact with my 14 year-old son's
>life by a attorney Ex-wife. She knows I can only
>contest her failure to provide consent ordered
>physical visitation and phone access in a contempt
>suit I can't afford to initiate, and I pay my MD child
>support electronically without fail on a monthly basis
>since 1998 Divorce.
>
>Even the Montgomery County court appointed attorney
>claimed in a letter she is powerless to help me obtain
>visitation since there is no active motion in court on
>denied visitation...the courts presume that legally
>once child support is paid, non-custodial parents will
>receive legally entitled visitation automatically, and
>there are no County or state court mechanisms to help
>enforce the rights of non-custodial parents.
>
>I too was forced in court to give up joint custody in
>1998 owing to my imminent overseas deployment into
>combat while on active duty with the armed forces, and
>now am feeling the loss of fathering my son years
>later in a lop-sided legal situation I'm powerless to
>change. It's a shame congress, state and local
>governments don't accord more tax dollars to solving
>the broken home problems and single-parent decay of
>children resulting from inability of non-custodial
>parents, regardless of sex, to have a meaningful role
>in their childrens' lives, just because of vindictive
>sole-guardian parents bias and inaction in the civil
>courts.
>
>I feel for all those sentiments expressed herein,
>regardless of the gender of the non-custodial parent
>as I'm one too. The social and legal system in these
>regards does need repair and revision.
>
>Ed M Sept 2004
>Virginia
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- Vivien, 07:59:22 06/06/05 Mon
>Everything you say is a lie. My father loved Bruce, he treated me better than you ever did. Your just some angry woman who wants to blame everyone else. I hate you and you better stop talking trash about me cause your not my mom anymore. I thank God I am able to have a normal relationship with a man after what you put me through. Beating me, having porn and drugs in the house. I'd never hurt you because I am a better person than you could ever be. I should thank you because if it wasn't for all the crap you put me through I wouldn't be the person I am today. It's funny how everyone on this site agrees with you. You lost custody because you were a unfit mother, so don't blame it on my dad. You left when I was 3 and you cheated on him and in 1994 you ran off on me. Take some responibilty for yourself and stop blaming others.your never going to be happy until you can learn to let go. I don't know why your even doing this, you never loved me. Trust me when I tell you this I am not a threat to you. Unlike you I act like like an adult, you should do the some and move on, because I did.
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- Sherry, 18:15:41 07/21/05 Thu
I also lost my 2 youngest children due to the lies of my ex-husband. My case is in Illinois.In 1998 he divorced me by going thru legal aid. He ran a newspaper ad saying he did not know where I was, when infact I was still living with him. I didnt read the newspaper back in 1998. However he had a court date that I was unaware of because I didnt answer this newspaper ad that I didnt know about. He was awarded custody. Then with his mothers help he took my 2 youngest boys and moved. I didnt know where they were and if they were okay. I searched and searched for them and by a mutual friend of me and my sisters we found them. In 2001
I went to there house and he tried to put a restraining order on me. Which that didnt hold up in court. I took the proper steps and got visitation to them. Course I was lucky to get to see them. It was whenever they wanted to allow them to come to my house. I learned that their father was involved in alot of "illegal" activities and wasnt even careing for the boys.
Eventually the law caught up with him and he was sent to the department of corrections and I was given custody back of the boys. Dureing the 2 in a half years I had them, my ex Husbands wife and mother called dcfs on me all the time. This really disruppted our lives. Especially my oldest son. Of Course There was never any abuse or neglect.
Dureing the time he was incarcerated I had to continue visitation with there stepmother. Several times they were told to refuse to come home and then they could stay with her. So me and my current husband spent many evenings sittin at the police station telling the boys that either they had to come home with me or they would have to put them in foster care. They always decided to come back home with me and their older brother.
My ex husband was released from prison the end of 2004.
He is on Parole untill 2006. He wanted visitation on Christmas of 2004 and I let the boys go to his house a couple days before Xmas. They never came home. Once again we was up at the police station and my ex husband was makeing terrible accusations. The police told him that the kids were in my custody and either they would have to come back home with me or they would be put in foster care.
The boys wanted to go to foster care (without knowing all the consequences) They explained it would be hard for either parent ot get them back. So the boys sat and begged me to let them live with there Dad. So I gave in and I wrote a letter to the judge and told him what had been going on and My ex would go above and beyond the Law to hurt me. It was and still isnt about the kids. I told him he can return the kids back to there Dad. They didnt want to live with me. So he granted the return of the boys to there Dad.
I have not seen or heard from them scince December23,2004.
However now all of a sudden I have to go to court again because now he wants health insurance on the kids. Actually his wife does. She has 2 kids as well as my 2 boys. They both draw foodstamps and have the kids on the medical card. They both have full time jobs,but dont want to financially take care of the kids.
I feel that he should be responsible for the 2 younger boys I have my oldest son to care for. Him and his family had virtually made it impossible for us to enjoy anytime we did have together. He lied and lied from the beginning because he loves these boys so much. So much that he has taught them to disrespect and hate there mother and live off the state. Now I am suppose to be responsible.
By the way the boys are 14 and 11 years old. Now mind you if I was such a terrible mother Would I still have my oldest son which is 15 now?
This whole ordeal has hurt him as well. His brothers in and out of his life and now they want help takeing care of them. So what? Do I have to take away from my oldest to give to the younger ones? What about my oldest his well being and emotions?
And why would the courts believe an ex con by running an ad in the newspaper to begin with? He has been in Prison 3 times. I never have!!! You would think a lightbulb would go on and a judge would see thru that. My youngest have been ruined Emotionally and physically. I imagine with the way they were taught they will noy live a very productive life. Hopefully the time they were here some of the "good values" we tried instill in them will be there.
They allready are very manipulative, sneaky,and whatever it takes to get there way. I dont blame that on my ex husband, because one day all the bad he has done will come back to him. But I do blame the court systems and the local police departments for allowing these children to be put in his care from the beginning.!!!!!!!And to give a child the option of going to foster care. I thought foster care was for children that didnt have any parents that cared. Nowadays they can say I dont want to live with my mom. And apparently they dont have to.Here at my house there are rules and at there dads house there are no rules. Oh they have a few but for the most part they can cuss,lie, steal, cheat,and for sure there is no religion. Here we go to church. I am just very dissappointed in the legal system.
There are what you call "deadbeat Custodial" parents to. I know because my ex wants the kids but has otherthings to spend money on besides health insurance. Heck the State will take care of thir medical and there food every month.And now possible come after me for a little extra cash...............!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Lynne Lopatin's Daughter -- Vivien Dunn, 19:19:49 09/15/05 Thu
Everything my mother says is a lie, take it from me. She use to hit me, call me names and allowed for me to be molested. Do not feel sorry for her. I was taken away because we lived in a one bedroom apartment where she would kick me out of my room and made me sleep on the couch or kitchen floor so she could have sex with strangers. My father is a wonderful man who only fault is that he wanted the best for me. She just wants everyone to feel sorry for her when she only wanted to be my mother when she could get something out of it. She would get my hopes up by being the mother I always wanted her to be then she would disappear. When my father moved me to Seattle she had left me and ran off to Arkansa. She was never there for me so don't feel sorry for her feel sorry for the daughter who had a mother that never loved her. I would never hurt and never intended to do so, I am a better person now at the age of almost 22 than she has ever been in her whole life. The only fear she has is the one day I have children of my own and they will be calling the woman who raised me, my REAL mother grandma. I do have a lot of hatred, but when you read BS like hers you would also.
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- Danielle (Very Hurt Momma), 14:48:28 08/08/06 Tue
HI I am a 25yr old who has had two great kids and my ex took off when I was really sick and even took me to court for our divorce while I was sick he got the kids and I have visitation but I just found out that he has moved without letting me know anything the only thing I knew was he was going to see a friend and now he and our kids live there.My kids are 6 and 3 1\2 yrs old they are use to seeing me everyday and now the live in arkansas with some girl I don't know and I don't know what I can do can anyone give me some ideas I would really be greatful to anyone that can e-mail me I know I haven't wrote much but I can't without crying all the time I really miss my babys and want them to come back home
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Re: The Rights of Non-Custodial Parents -- connie (worried), 16:47:21 08/27/06 Sun
>HI I am a 25yr old who has had two great kids and my
>ex took off when I was really sick and even took me to
>court for our divorce while I was sick he got the kids
>and I have visitation but I just found out that he has
>moved without letting me know anything the only thing
>I knew was he was going to see a friend and now he and
>our kids live there.My kids are 6 and 3 1\2 yrs old
>they are use to seeing me everyday and now the live in
>arkansas with some girl I don't know and I don't know
>what I can do can anyone give me some ideas I would
>really be greatful to anyone that can e-mail me I know
>I haven't wrote much but I can't without crying all
>the time I really miss my babys and want them to come
>back home
can you call legal aid for advice
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