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Date Posted: 23:31:24 07/11/04 Sun
Author: Revidescent
Subject: My story

Hi everyone,

I discovered Lost and Delirious when it first came out in Canada in 2001. I saw a preview for it on Star TV and was immediately interested in seeing it. When it hit the theatres, I went by myself to a small cinema in my home town that shows independent movies. I sat at the back and cried.

Basically, L&D was somewhat of a saviour for me. It was my outlet for what was going on in my own life, which held many parallels to Paulie's journey. I needed something to relate to, and I found it in L&D. At the time the movie came out in theatres, I felt very alone and I guess you could say a little lost and delirious myself. At the time the movie came out, my girlfriend (also my first love) was dating a guy while simultaneously continuing her secret relationship with me. She showed herself as one person to friends and family, while continually reassuring me that we were destined to be together - but that of course remained an unknown to everyone around us.

I am now 24 years old. My girlfriend and I were room mates in our first year of university - we were 19 years old. We became best friends and formed an intensely close relationship. We completely understood each other and formed a deeply emotional connection, as friends and eventually as lovers.

I had never been interested in girls before. She eventually initiated a kiss, and although I was uncomfortable, I went through with it. A kiss became more and although I didn't quite understand what was happening, no one had ever shown me such affection and I cared about her so much that I just kind of let it happen.

One day, she showed me a stack of love letters she had written to me. She said she had fallen in love with me. I was faced with the choice of being with her, or just being her friend. I have always been closed off and afraid to let anyone in, so I thought...if this is love, I shouldn't pass it up - I should stop being so scared. So I let myself continue the relationship, and I indeed fell in love.

Everything was behind closed doors. We hid everything from our friends, our family...everyone...for about two years. We were so happy with each other, and even though it was hard to live a life where you can't share your happiness with the people you care about, it was worth it to be together.

One early morning, one of our mutual friends knocked on my bedroom window, which was in the basement. My girlfriend and I both jumped up, scared...she hid and I went outside to meet our friend. Later, that friend confronted my girlfriend about why we had been sleeping in the same bed. My girlfriend said I was upset about something and needed to talk, so she comforted me and we both fell asleep.

The friend broke into my girlfriend's e-mail account and found a personal letter I had sent my girlfriend. She again confronted my girlfriend, who admitted to our that we had kissed a few times when we were drunk, but that was it. It was drunken experimentation. The friend eventually apologized to my girlfriend for her intrusiveness, but she never apologized to me. I think she thought I initiated it all, and I was the confused one.

My girlfriend became paranoid and started distancing herself from me. She became depressed, and I comforted her. She told me how much she loved me, and that she knew we were destined to be together, she told me she knew it deep down in her soul. We were soul mates.

I believed her, and I believed in her.

She started dating a guy, "just to make sure of what she really wanted." She said it was a "temporary" break and that she knew we would be together in the end. I was upset, but I let her do it and tried to give her space.

Our mutual friends encouraged her and were happy for her. Nobody knew what was really going on. I had to try and pretend to be happy for her too, but really it killed me to see them together in public..flirting, touching, kissing, etc.

When it came to private time between the two of them, she told me she often pushed him away. And then she would call me, and we would be together. He had no idea and I kept falling for it.

About four months into her "relationship" with the guy, I began to lose it. It hurt so much to see them together, I would have to leave social situations because I couldn't stand it. I couldn't be around my friends and I couldn't go home and cry because my friends and family would wonder why I was so sad, and I couldn't explain it to them. So I would wander the streets late at night, not caring what happened to me. I would cry until my eyes dried out.

I got pissed off at her. She continued the "relationship", even though I finally asked her to stop it. She told me she loved me, but couldn't be with me "right now." I got mad, I got crazy, I started hurting myself and I became destructive to both my girlfriend and myself. I sank into a deep depression. My grades dropped, I quit playing sports, I couldn't be around my friends and I spent most of my time in my room. I couldn't even face people. I would start shaking, or crying. I just fell apart.

I lived with my girlfriend while she stayed up talking to her boyfriend on the phone, long distance, in the next room. I put up with it when she came into my room drunk, and wanted to make love to me out of nowhere. I watched her pretend to be something she's not.

When I knew she was going away to be with him (apparently they only did it once), I got drunk and lost my virginity to a guy friend. It was a horrible experience.

Eventually, she dumped him (8 months later), but she didn't come back to me. Things had gone on a downward spiral fast after I reacted so badly to what she was doing. I ended up telling my Mom, who is uneasy about it and doesn't get it. I told a couple of gay friends, who are more acquaintances than friends...they think I should come out of the closet and just face the fact that I'm gay....even though I know I am not gay, or even necessarily bi. The friends I could tell and the friends who know, aren't really friends at all. But I needed to tell someone, I needed to get it out of me. But I don't think they really care about how I feel.

I am just a girl who fell in love with a girl.

A few people know about what happened between my girlfriend and I, but I think most people believe she could do no wrong. She's a friendly party girl who is outwardly kind to everyone, she is magnetic and everyone is initially attracted to her. That's just the way she is. My anger and frustration shows on the outside, while she hides her feelings. So I came across as the crazy and confused one. I came across as the nutty one, and I hate that nobody will ever know or understand what really happened. I hate that they all love her and can't see underneath the surface.

So five years after the start of all this, I have had two boyfriends. I am on the second boyfriend and I am extremely happy, despite what the above story might imply.
The first guy I was with for about a year and a half (he helped me get through the struggle, but it didn't work out in the end). I have been with my new boyfriend for about two months. I think I might be falling in love with this guy.

She has finally worked up the courage to start opening herself up to friends and family. I am forced to interact with her, because we have many mutual friends, but I still hold some anger and I will never trust her again.

She has a girlfriend. They have been together for about 8 months. They are affectionate in public, people know they are together. Not everyone knows, but she is less afraid than she once was. I am happy that she is becoming more comfortable with her own sexual orientation, but it frustrates me that there are a select few people who might think I am still the confused one. It frustrates me that she always had to hide me and lie to me, and now she can show off her new girlfriend.

I have no desire to be with her any more, and quite frankly I think about...or at least block out...what happened less and less. As time goes on, the pain has gone away. I don't really think about it often at all any more, but when I do, I remember the pain...

Thinking about what happened....thinking about the way I hated myself and the way I hated life....it will still make me cry at the drop of the hat. I carry around this story, with no one to really to tell it to. Who will believe that this happened without thinking I must be gay or bisexual? Who will believe that I just sort of fell into all of this?

It was her struggle for self-acceptance, it was her journey of coming out of the closet - not mine. But I am stuck wondering if there is something wrong with me. And I am stuck wondering if I should tell my current boyfriend about my past...will he show sympathy or decide it is too much to deal with?

I feel like I am walking around with this big hole in the pit of my stomach. I don't know where to draw the line with honesty. I feel like nobody will ever understand my story....I feel like I can't fully explain it. I have this deep, dark spot inside me that has made me stop believing fully in people, and stop trusting people. I am over her, but I am not over the darkness. Although I am happy now, there is something under the surface that will continue to haunt me underneath everything.

Anyway, L&D helped me get through one of the most difficult periods in my life. That was the point I wanted to make.

Thanks for reading...

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