trying for a general onomatopoeiac effect -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 19:04:47 06/01/01 Fri
Author: luke
Subject: trying for a general onomatopoeiac effect

High in bursting air belches
Twist. A boneless wing flies fierce
Liquid arrow swims with break
Neck quickness, circling brightly
Flashing gold into glass eyes
Silence in its gleaming wake
Then the click of gravity
Kicks. Distant roar of earth and sky
The piercing bolt leaves ringing
Keenly in a skull. Shrieking
Shards. Bleed. Blazing red. Ruby
Beads hang snaking, a necklace
For the dazzling sun. Flesh streams.
Folds and folds of wind packed surge
Pound and swallow. Plunging dead.

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Replies:

[> onomatopoeic was the wrong word, I meant just a certain kind of sound -- luke, 21:18:59 06/02/01 Sat

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[> well you certainly managed to make the thing consist of harsh sounding words!!! (which is pretty effective). at first i didn't like it because i thought the sentences were too fragmented and they almost didn't really make sense but then that very same thing sort of put the feel into it for me... so there. i like the second half more because it seems to make more sense. i like the blood parts and the dying people. god i'm cynical. -- zee, 16:56:00 08/19/01 Sun

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[> it could do with a title which kind of rounds it all up... i.e. 'plane crash' because before i knew what it was i was kind of confused. i'm not wure about the whole 'liquid arrow' bit too... i like 'air belches'. its kind of disturbingly tickly. like it it just tickles me in a mom funny way. like itch on inside of head. nevermind... i love 'plunging dead' as the last two words. i dont like 'keenly' it seems too much like ooh thats a sharp sound. -- zeina, 16:58:14 08/19/01 Sun

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[> I think this sounds amazing, for onomatopoeic effect youve done really really well. It doesnt make much sense though. I really like the single words at the start of a new line like "twist" and "kicks" but the "shrieking shards" i thought you lost it. I think shrieking and shards are just too soft sounding especially shards with the s at the end. Youve made it sound really dazzling and violent at the same time and it seems short and breathless too so i put my hands together for this. -- james, 18:54:49 08/20/01 Mon

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[> this is worthwhile experimentation - flexing your lexicon, as it were - and will start to work more powerfully when you integrate the verbosity with clarity and narrative... -- si, 00:45:42 09/03/01 Mon

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