Bear with me its the best i could do in the meantime -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 22:46:00 08/15/01 Wed
Author: james
Subject: Bear with me its the best i could do in the meantime

ok ive come to the scary conclusion that i cant write any more but to rage against this i have decided to not write poetry well rather than massacre perfectly good prose...

Its twelve O� clock, time for bed, I need a place to rest my head.
Hold my hand and tuck me in, now I miss the little things,
Scare the sounds out of the dark, now I�ve run so very far.

whisper, soothe, Snicker, Sneer,
wipe away my wicked cheer,
I will do just as I�m told,
Stay with me and don�t get old.

smiling, swearing, bearing, hear,
you�re lonely now and over fussed,
blanket me from the cold,
before they take your shattered husk.

I look up at pointy stars, hidden from my bodies� scars,
Dig deep the heart, from my chest, mother always knows what�s best.
Its twelve O� clock, time for bed, I need a place to rest my dead.

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Replies:

[> i quite like this and find it interesting but dont really understand it too well at all of the times. some of the rhyme is really too forced. i HATE 'fussed... husk' and dont much like 'hear'... 'blanket me from the cold doesn't bother me at all though. -- zeina, 05:43:05 08/19/01 Sun

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[> i quite like the use of 'dead' at the end. it kind of throws you off because of your deliberately child-poem type rhthytm thing goign you just expect it to be 'head' and 'dead' is nicely disturbing :) but again i have no idea what the whole thing means so i'm not sure if 'dead' really is appropriate. but i like the kind of spooky feel it gives to the whole thing. personally i'm ditching poetry for a while and will go back to prose... you'll see in my next one -- zeina, 05:44:58 08/19/01 Sun

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[> really quite funky. The first line of the third stanza isn't so good but good enough to fit and better that you keep up the pattern. The last line might be pushing it. I think 'shattered husk' was enough of a shocker that the other shock in the last line was unneeded but it rhymes so hey whatever. i know I said all this before. -- luke, 18:00:49 08/21/01 Tue

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[> It's possible you didn't intend it but the partial rhyme in the second and third lines makes them sound more relaxed than the corresponding lines in the last stanza. It works -- luke, 18:20:00 08/21/01 Tue

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[> in years to come this will be one of those poems you wish violently you hadn't written...:) hand on my heart, james, i know perfectly well that you are entirely capable of writing good poetry, and if you are going through a dry patch with the prose, don't worry, it happens to us all - i once went two and a half years without writing a word, and convinced myself it was lost for good. it never is. this, though, is, er, not good - go back to writing prose...:) -- si, 00:42:13 09/03/01 Mon

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