i thought i'd decapitalise this one. suits it more i think..... i really ought to get over beaches and moon light though.... -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 12:13:08 06/17/01 Sun
Author: zeina
Subject: i thought i'd decapitalise this one. suits it more i think..... i really ought to get over beaches and moon light though....

we're lying together, under the moon,
so close i try and listen to your heart-
it's a lullaby, though i can't hear it.

under the moon-light your lips are ivory
and in the creases and in the lines soft
shades of lilac, darkened in the centre.

your silver hair against the sand is soft,
so soft; like your white shirt, so soft, like your
taupe skin, soft and creamier in the light.

I drown in your eyes, clean and shiny and
you look back, vacantly, half smiling, maybe.
i want to kiss your lips and make them breathe.

but my blood is magenta, my eyes are
fuchsia and lips turquoise, dipped in maroon.
your coolness leaves no room for me.

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Replies:

[> eeeek. i see a capital! -- z, 12:18:22 06/17/01 Sun

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[> hmmm... don't like this as much as your last couple, it's a bit too... i don't know, actually. uneventful. lacking bite. i quite like 'shades of lilac' and 'my blood is magenta', but they don't really go anywhere... i don't think the repetition of 'soft' works, and i don't think that 'so' works as a qualifier unless you make it the beginning of a comparative phrase. your last line is intriguing, but again is not really connected to anything else... -- si, 19:22:20 06/18/01 Mon

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[> I like the contrast of the colours and shades. I also think that the last line only helps to emphasise the incompatability of the characters. I have to admit that the soft thing is a little overused. -- james, 22:51:36 08/15/01 Wed

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[> Mostly I don't like this. The whole poem seems too easily summarised by the first line. 'Darkened in the centre' has similar effect (on me) to 'salty residue', too precise perhaps. In the third stanza she sounds very carried away, like she's drunk or having a breakdown of some kind. This is interesting in the way it succeeds more in describing the narrator than in describing the other person. I'm left wondering about the mental state of someone who thinks of their eyes as fuchsia. -- luke, 18:40:14 08/21/01 Tue

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[> If they are incompatible it is because the other character may be perfectly sane and does not see things so strangely. -- luke, 18:41:55 08/21/01 Tue

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[> [> wow. luke is definitely the 'warmest'. -- zeina, 00:47:53 08/23/01 Thu

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[> [> [> you do tend to think of poetry too much as though it were nothing more than a variant of crossword puzzle. -- si, 00:29:13 09/03/01 Mon

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