Another poem - Corridors -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 17:55:21 04/02/01 Mon
Author: luke
Subject: Another poem - Corridors

His hunted glance flicks over me
Like a finger through a candle flame
I know his intensely blank expression,
Like a lid on a boiling pot,
Is a mirror of mine.
We skirt around each other, casually, coldly
His outstretched arm holds the door open
I catch it and it is almost like
We are working together again
Or just the courtesy of strangers.
But I see, in the shifting, dreamy edge of my vision,
Him turn around and follow me back out,
Moving behind me to the opposite wall,
His fists clenched in his pockets.
My thick, clanging heartbeat seems to swallow my breaths
As we study the poster-plastered walls
All my will is bent on listening for his sweet breathing
And I fancy I can actually feel his body's heat
I thirst for a word but more for a touch
I will turn around and put my hand on his shoulder and
And that is all.
I turn around to face him, courage to surrender,
But the corridor is empty.
The phantom breathing is gone, if ever it was there,
And the corridor is cold.

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Replies:

[> this is sooooo much better than the other one (in my opinion). its got more of something to follow and much easier to read too. there is also a bit of suspense built up here much more too. i like the way the corridoor is cold at the end too and the way we feel disapointment or 'awwwing' kind of feeling for the voice of the poem (hm?) at the end too without actually having heard him say ' i was sad' or whatever. -- zeina, 19:26:41 04/25/01 Wed

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[> Re: Another poem - Corridors -- George, 16:39:01 04/29/01 Sun

I'm not sure what kind of criticism to give but here goes. Very powerful stuff lucas. I liked it. The first time I read it I thought that it was a little bit confused. Upon re-reading I really like the ideas of adversity and "the courage to surrender," and the empty victories of self. Temptation, lust and learning to move with a reflection of something other than one's physical self// I dig// Either that or I'm totally full of shit//

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[> george- put your message in the 'Message subject (required)' box for easy reading. -- zm, 17:52:06 04/29/01 Sun

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[> this is really really good. the idea of thinking you atre so close when you really arent is good too and the structure and flow of the lines really sets you up for the fall at the end with the narrator. Im going to do better for the competition though. Ill beat you my pretty and your little dog too. i wish -- james, 17:18:40 04/30/01 Mon

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[> dream? real world? dream? blurs the lines so well! The end is awesome... the warmth of hope is sucked out of the corridor... leaving a cold reality. An unwelcome reality. Underlines hope and love as perhaps something that helps cover up the coldness of an illusionless world. -- tim, 15:06:55 05/25/01 Fri

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