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Date Posted: 20:18:20 08/14/04 Sat
Author: The Commentator
Subject: And now let the opening ceremony of the Shipperville Olympic Games begin!!!

Let's hear it for Le Canada [Canada] The flag held aloft by the Lord Mayor of Shipperville, Kenamom. She is sporting a lovely maple leaf on each breast and one in the front hiding Aphrodite's temple. So wonderful to see her getting into the spirit of the ancient games' fashions. Kenamom is already a medalist from the winter olypmics with two silvers and one bronze to her name. All eyes will be upon her during her switch to the summer games. She is sure to win gold in the studying marathon that starts bright and early tomorrow and finishes on the very last day of competition.

Next comes L'Etats Unis d'Amerique [United States of America] And as usual the whole troupe outnumbers the rest of the world altogether. What hope does anyone else have? Here comes the flag bearer....Kande. Dressed in a root beer barrel costume in lovely red white and blue stripes with a crown of 50 glittering stars.She is a definite favourite in the skulling.....skulling root beer that is.

Next up is KS. Her kevlar blue suit glinting in the sun while the white and red ribbons flow from each limb. Knife throwing, archery and shooting should see a medal for this lovely lady. Those clay pigeons had better go into hiding.

Now cast your eyes on the gorgeous Rabid Rae from sunny Florida. She's a hot contender for the geriatric wheelchair 100metre dash. She's been training hard we've heard down there in beautiful retiree heaven, Bocca Raton [sp]We hear that she has axed her previous passenger from the last olympics, Simeon Goldwyn for the much heavier Abraham Schwarz. Good luck to Rabid in her new weight division.

Here comes yet ANOTHER American. What a troupe! Detoured! Yes, the only windsurfer in the whole olympics. Apparently she fought tooth and nail to be let into the squad. But there is no lacking in competition for Detoured. After some local school fundraising, the Bondi Nippers way over in Australia have formed a squad and they'll be providing s Det with some tough competition. HOpefully she'll win her bid to have Windsurfing declared an official olympic sport. The best place to campaign is Athens, the home of the olympics.

Next we have the brilliant Islandgirl, sporting her huge ten gallon hat. She'll be in the roping, wrangling and rustling arena doing her dandy stuff. Word around the corral is that she has a mean boot so she should fare well in the "Kick an illegal over the border" component of her event. The Germans have always dominated this component but the English have come to the fore in this event since the consruction of the channel tunnel. Good luck Islandgirl.

Now our next competitor is very unusual. Rather than being a competitor we have an official marching with the american team. Yes, CW an accomplished musician has been invited by the president of Greece to play in the official olympic orchestra. So CW has been closetted away in ....we are told....a secluded cabin on golden pond where she has been practising strains of Evangelis' Chariots of Fire. Looking forward to that in the closing ceremony.

Is that it? Are they finally finished??? At last.


Oh and next comes last year's hosts of the olympics... L'Australie!!!! AUSTRALIA!!!!! and there is the marvellous Stardoe waving the flag. Look at her lovely green [green? ] suit. And white stars. [white? what happened to the gold? ] Anyway Stardoe should do well in the bullshitting competition. The Australians are world renouned for their bullshitting prowess and really, there just isn't anyone else in sight who would even come close to being a contender for the gold in this competition. Four yrs in Shipperville has trained her well for this event. Look you can even see her mouth going now. Training still even during the opening ceremony. But I hear that Ned Pistlethwaite from the East End of London has vowed to knock her off her perch this year. If anyone can beat the Aussie at this refined practice it is the Cockey Cockney. Stardoe will need to undergo one more drug test tomorrow to totally clear her before the event. One of the Americcan drug testers, scruffy looking fellow, apparently known around the testing circles as the Badly Dressed Man, was not happy with the way Stardoe bullshitted her way out of having the last drug-test during her training session in Parliament House in Canberra last week. But let's hope our Loony larrakin from Down Under passes with flying colours and puts Ninkompoop[sp]Ned down under again this year.

Well that's it for the live telecaast from Shipperville. Lets wish all our athletes well and let the games begin.

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