Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 11/ 6/08 9:28am
Hi Dawn,
I'm glad you found this forum! There's some wonderful women here, and most have had experience in having an unplanned pregnancy.
I thought you did an excellent job summarizing both your emotional and logistical fears.
Some misc. thoughts -
It really made an impression on me that you already referred to your child as your son/daughter. Your instincts haven't been distorted by your fears, and that's always a healthy sign, in my opinion. I think it's a lot easier for women who've already had a child to be more in touch with that that for a lot of other members in society.
Also, I can tell it made a painful impression on you that the father of your first child disappeared, supposedly because you wouldn't have an abortion. What an unfair position to put you in; the guilt of thinking you wrecked the relationship because you wouldn't kill a new human being that arose from it!
Please know, that from statistics, he would have left you after an abortion, too. If you look at the research of the effect abortion has on relationships, the percentage of relationships and even marriages that break up within the first year after an abortion is extremely high. I think the primary reason for this is women are often pressured to have an abortion against their own undecidedness, and the result is varying degrees of anger and resentment afterwards as they are the ones left dealing with emotions and grief, struggling with the permanence of the lost life.
I think that's combined with the general unpleasantness and guilt the man who pressured her to have the abortion feels, and his desire to want to exit a situation that makes him feel bad.
So really the chances are much higher of a partner leaving after an abortion then a birth of a baby. But I think you are on to something in realizing even that isn't the defining factor in the big question of how to respond to your unplanned pregnancy. If on your most primal level, you have instincts telling you that this is your child, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their arrival, you should have the freedom to choose life for that individual, and yourself, and not be fearful.
It is a very 'in the light' decision that puts truth and good conscience on your side, which will make it much easier to navigate the choices ahead to make.
I think it already speaks very well of how you're oriented towards this unplanned pregnancy that you are taking the time you need to process and think things out, even seek the thoughts of other women on the situation. Good for you! Make this choice based on what your conscience is telling you as ultimately this is your life and your body, and you will be the one weighing the long term effects, physically and emotionally.
In the meantime, try not to worry too much about your family; though I know that's hard. Families, particularly parents, have an amazing track record of coming around to support their child unconditionally, even if they need to get over a period of processing disappointment initially. They're human, too, and it's only natural. But ultimately they love you, and want to be on your support team. Just give them some time.
Please keep us updated, and take good care of yourself.
With Kindness,
Heather
P.S. - If you're moving out to California, you're welcome to send me an email! It's a big state and I don't know where you're headed, but I live in the Santa Cruz area, on the coast about an hour south of San Francisco.
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