Author:
DAVID WESTER CHILD MOLESTOR
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Date Posted: 06:17:05 07/25/02 Thu
In reply to:
's message, "Re: The script continues" on 16:53:40 07/23/02 Tue
>Tim
>I've had enough of this shit. Just give us your money.
>
>Hank (tail between his legs)
>Wha?
>
>Ext. Outside of the bar. Greg and Tim and Chris walk
>away with Hank's and Joel's money.
CHRIS
Ha ha ha! You guyth thtole their moneyth.
TIM
Fuck yeah.
GREG
You got that right, my fine tubbed friend.
CHRIS
Thit, thith ith the betht day of my life.
TIM
Mine too.
GREG
And mine.
CHRIS
What thould we do now boyth?
Tim and Greg look at each other.
Cut to:
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Chris is surrounded with candy bar wrappers. The ENTIRE CAST OF CHARACTERS FROM THE MOVIE, meaning all those we have seen before and all those we will see after this scene are standing there, watching as Greg and Tim shove more and more candy bars at Chris.
Chris wolfs down a candy bar.
CHRIS
THEVENTY THEVEN!
TIM
Shit these even have nuts in them.
GREG
He's not vomiting Tim! He's some kind of SOOPER GENIUS!
CHRIS
No, thilly. I'm no geniuth. I jutht thit my pantth inthtead of vomiting!
Greg and Tim look SHOCKED AS HELL.
CHRIS
Oh thit! Here cometh another one!
Chris begins to strain as he poops.
Everyone laughs! A shot much like that in the ending of Return of the Jedi is composed with everyone of the cast members gathered in a strange almost curtain-call like fashion.
Greg and Tim look over and see a ghost of THE WIZARD, and ghosts of CHEMO, TROLL, and CANCEROLL stand looking knowingly at them. And probably some other ghosts of things we haven't thought up yet. Oh yeah, and a ghost version of Willem Dafoe from The Last Temptation of Christ and a ghost of Willem Dafoe from Spiderman are also there and they are FRENCH KISSING while the ghost of CHARLIE SHEEN from PLATOON is watching them with a big-eyed stare.
Holy shit! What's this? Marlon Brando shows up and starts running back and forth in and out of frame acting like Peppe Le Peau as he chases Katherine Hepburn, demanding kisses.
MARLON BRANDO
Francis! I want my ice cream!
A monkey drops down onto Marlon Brandos head and Marlon Brando beats it to death with his meaty fists. He then puts it on his head like a hat.
MARLON BRANDO
Get the butter, I have a hat!
Suddenly there is an earthquake and as the cast watches, A GEYESER shoots up the pavement of the parking lot.
Martin Sheen is riding the geyeser up and he does a little dance.
MARTIN SHEEN
I've got you now Brando!
MARLON BRANDO
Don't hurt my monkey hat!
Jub Jub music plays to make it even more plagaristastic! And just as the music reaches its crescendo which we usually associate with its climaxing into the Star Wars fanfare, we focus on Chris's straining pooping effort and the the screen suddenly bleeds red off of his face and the image burns away.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
The location we last saw Tim (I think, I can't remember where he was). He is there shaking his head.
TIM
Yie.
Tim tries to clear his head. Then he looks around.
TIM
Son of a fuck.
The girls are all dancing around to the song HEY MICKEY.
INT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
Greg awakes from his poop trance to find himself in the back of a police car.
GREG
Ohhh my head.
The police turn and talk to him.
POLICE #1
Look son, we're not going to take you in.
POLICE #2
No, son we're not.
POLICE #1
Thing is, we've got a problem with the law ourselves.
POLICE #2
A little bit of the you know...
Police #2 waves his hand to indicate queerness.
POLICE #1
That's okay with me that he's like that. I have a bit of a...
Police #1 indicates a drinking problem with a hand gesture.
POLICE #2
So if you wanna, you know, shit on the sidewalk...
POLICE #1
Who are we to judge?
POLICE #2
Yes who?
POLICE #1
That's why we have judges.
POLICE #2
That's why we have the court.
POLICE #1
So just tell us where you live and we'll drop you off there.
POLICE #2
Unless of course, you can think of someplace else you'd like to go... hmmm?
Greg stares at them.
He opens his mouth.
GREG
I'll tell you something you...
As much as I'd like to hear what Greg has to say to these cops, it might be funnier if we
SHOCK CUT TO:
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
The police car holding greg pulls up to the police station.
Greg is now fully restrained and gagged again. He is vomiting in defense, but the gag is much stronger tape this time.
He is pushed roughly inside the police station.
The hair of the policemen is now completely white.
The crotches of their pants are damp.
INT. CAR - DAY
Jesus drives a car and Paul sits next to him, ending a cell phone conversation. Paul hangs up his phone and puts it away, beaming.
PAUL
I just got a hot motherfucking tip.
JESUS
Oh yeah?
PAUL
One of them's in jail.
JESUS
Oh man. We should leave him there.
PAUL
Look, I've got everything planned out this time. We're bringing in the big guy now. He's going to handle Greg, all we have to do is follow the Big Guy's car back to the HQ once we know he has Greg. You know, just in case.
JESUS
At least it's not Tim. I-
Jesus breaks down crying.
JESUS
I hate him.
PAUL
There there son. This will all be over soon.
Jesus looks teary eyed as he drives.
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