| Subject: Re: Incalculably precious |
Author:
JP
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Date Posted: 16:31:16 07/03/02 Wed
In reply to:
Gill the terrorist
's message, "Re: Incalculably precious" on 13:20:47 07/02/02 Tue
I too have known terror and can really relate to what you're going through, although there's no one who can truly know exactly what it's like for you. I feel deeply for the condition you're in, and pray that this horrible cloud of fear and terror will lift quickly. And yeah, when all of this "sweet bliss" talk comes forth, it's totally meaningless, and even annoying when you're in that inconsolable condition of deep submersion into what appears to be infinite oceans of shit.
I experienced a psychotic break on a very intensive spiritual course in 1984. My awareness was so separated from my body that I had no emotional connection with it, nor with anything of this world. I was absolutely terrified of everything (even a washcloth hanging on the rack) and everyone who I came in contact with. Many times the terror was objectless; it was just this overwhelming feeling that I was going to go absolutely mad or die. At times it appeared as an infinite vortex of blackness that was sucking me into it. I knew that if I let myself be taken in by it, I would go completely mad and wind up in a mental institution, lose my family, job, everything. The fear and terror usually struck at night. I couldn't go to sleep fearing that the black hole would swallow me.
No one on staff had the skillful means to deal with what I was going through. They asked me if I wanted to leave the course and I said no, I'd tough it out somehow. When I was feeling the full force of the vortex (mostly at night), I would go outside and walk the steep hills around the campus all night long until I was so exhausted I just fell into bed. During the day I went to the music building (the course was held on a university campus). I'm a keyboard player and found a practice room with a piano in it. I played for hours and hours, day after day, until my fingers were bloody. I was absolutely desparate to get back into my body. My consciousness was so disassociated from my body that I felt like I was stranded in deep space with no way of returning. The "split" was so huge I thought I'd never, ever make it back again. I came face to face with everything that deeply separated, divided, dissociated and disidentified me from my body and the world. My "feeling" emotional state was practically non-existent. There was nothing to feel except extreme terror because I wasn't here. I was literally dead man walking.
Every once in a while, after screaming and crying for hours, I would have these huge breakthroughs where I saw the mechanics of the universe unfolding, and was in complete ecstacy, laughing and crying with joy and relief. And then in the next minute, I would doubt what I was experiencing, and fall again into the vortex of fear and terror. It was like being on a huge wake down/shake down, only it was taking hours and days instead of months or years. When the course was over I knew what I needed to do.
I got into a routine of walking miles and miles every day. It really helped to ground me back into the body. Hard exercise and lots of physical activity was the only thing that worked for me. It took my attention and put it back into my cells, blood, muscles, feelings, bodily existence. It worked.
There's no way to tell what will work for you. You'll just have to experiment around and see what happens. But bodily activity and attention to the body makes sense. It's grounding right through into the cells of the body. It takes attention and moves it into matter, deeper and deeper. It eventually allowed me to see that my egoic mind had gone to such terrible extremes to justify its separative existence (because it was being powerfully and directly confronted) that it vaulted me completely out of the body. And in doing so, it ironically sabatoged its own ploy because the fear drove me to reconnect with matter in a way that was so profound and deep as to render the dominant, separative fear-based mechanism or function that I had identified as this little "me" into a virtually powerless condition. It made room for the grace of Being to come forth and do what it had to do.
So, I hope this helps in some way. Again, all blessings to you in this dark hour, this dark night of the soul. Whatever happens, I will always be with you to hold you wherever you need to be held. This terror will eventually be significantly reduced or dissipated to a manageable level, even though in some dimension, there will always be the heart-breaking truth of feeling the huge depth of world-suffering that is part of being human, and being here on this planet. But this terror, this all-consuming fear will move on. It cannot withstand the light of core honesty, the core authenticity of who you are as Onlyness. The Heart of who you are will shatter the heaviness, and the shadow will vanish as a result. It may take some time for it to happen, who knows how long, but the truth of who you are WILL prevail.
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