| Subject: Re: Hey! |
Author:
Gill
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Date Posted: 07:33:40 03/24/01 Sat
In reply to:
Cassie
's message, "Hey!" on 21:46:18 03/23/01 Fri
Cassie - how you speak my pain and my truth. Are we living the same life? It is a strange wonder - but all that you say in your two messages here are more or less exactly what I'm currently experiencing. And some of the things Chris says too, like it's not about wanting to be loved exactly, or even wanting sympathy, but AT LAST about BEING HEARD and BEING ACKNOWLEDGED. Whether people agree or disagree with "my truth" is comparatively irrelevant - I just somehow need people to acknowledge whatever pain or joy I'm going through. Or perhaps I, finally, need to accept what is MY reality and no longer deny it because others don't feel it too.
Interestingly enough, I am also going through some stark revelations about my totally uncaring side - just how ruthless I can be, especially if I perceive someone is getting in my way between what I want and what they want. Yes, I can be utterly selfish, cold, uncaring and dismissive of others. I can ALSO be the complete opposite. I am used to portraying myself as this opposite - caring, loving, nice girl, considerate of others etc. etc. Have you read Ted's new essay on his website "Two Faces of Consciousness?". Remember CC's message earlier on this Forum? Is it harder for we women to acknowledge this ruthless and selfish sides of ourselves? Is it harder for you men to acknowledge the more caring and sensitive and nice sides of yourselves?
I went into a huge oscillation yesterday (Friday) and got plonked right down into my Core Wound. I saw myself reverting to those old strategies of escape - I went for a walk, which didn't work. When out, I bought a bottle of red wine (the last time I drank red wine was a long time ago). I started off the evening enjoying a glass with a cigarette - oh the wonderful taste of the two together and momentary release. I then played music and became quite frivolous. I usually type my messages right on to this board, but last night I wrote one in draft on paper: it started out all jolly (maybe one day I'll post it here) but then, to my horror, I saw that this old way of "escape" just wasn't working.
I plunged (got plunged?) into the deepest of despairs. I couldn't stop crying, even though sometimes I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. My feeling of grief, pain and absolute TERROR was overwhelming. And I WAS alone in it. I saw my longing for something other/better than this life, which has always been there - and quite understandably! How excrutiatingly painful to now know there IS NOTHING BETTER. I saw/felt my complete innocence and the cry of "what the hell is all this torment about?". I saw/felt that this horror was not at all the result of anything "bad" I had done, it just was. But I find it sometimes often totally unbearable, especially coupled with this felt-sense of complete innocence and "I have done nothing to deserve this pain so why am I having to endure it".
Eventually, the crisis passed. But that was no relief either. The return to a more tranquil state seemed a complete mockery of all I had just endured - as if somehow it hadn't been true or real. BUT IT BLOODY WELL WAS!!!
Anyway, guys and gals, there's my lot for what it's worth. I see I miss a day on this Forum and there are a ton of messages from you all to catch up with! Fine by me - keep 'em coming. Right now, however, I feel I'm even using this Forum to distract myself from the pain, lonliness and emptiness that is just waiting to devour me once again.
Stark realisation.
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