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Subject: creative exhaustion


Author:
chris
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Date Posted: 09:45:48 03/21/01 Wed
 I've been noticing that exhaustion is more and more my conscious experience, my baseline feeling. But last night I suddenly saw that this exhaustion is something I've been secretly resisting. I've always had a subtle stance towards my rotting that it means there is something wrong with me: I should have more energy, I should sleep less, I should get more things done, I should eat better, etc. Seeing that judgement I have towards exhaustion broke it clean in two, and I was left marvelling at the inherent rightness and even beauty of exhaustion.

From there I find myself holding exhaustion with love. It is where I make my best choices from. And last night, in this place of greenlighting, I had a half-second glimpse of non-separateness: phenomena - particularly the things in my room - were, somehow, incredibly, exactly myself. It was like a glimpse of infinite remembrance of myself as everything. I whispered in astonishment: "Everything is here!" Then I oscillated back into my baseline exhaustion/separateness.

...But without the usual added layer of self-hatred for being separate. As I oscillated back, I was able to clearly distinguish my separateness. I could locate my separateness - which isn't usually the case. And I now really understand my exhaustion as the magical action of the Rot. I actually feel like I can be the core wound of separateness, and hold this with real understanding.

In love with exhaustion.
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Re: creative exhaustionGill13:47:45 03/21/01 Wed

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