a little story. zeina goes back to prose for a bit. sorry its so damn long. -- Some Let Me Make You

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 05:53:08 08/19/01 Sun
Author: zeina
Subject: a little story. zeina goes back to prose for a bit. sorry its so damn long.

She bit her clenched fist at the knuckles while her other hand passionately squeezed her hair at the back of her head. Playful curls fell over her face. Her eyes looked dreadfully frightened.

"Babe, are ya alright?"

She blinked and her eyes scanned the floor in quick paces. She removed her hand from her mouth and bit her lower lip. Her lipstick was very red and, of course, untouched. Her shapely eyes looked up at him.

"Yeah I guess I'm ok. I was just..."

She coughed and looked straight into his eyes.

"...so scared. And I was so.... so worried. And, and I thought I was going to die and then, and then and then... you were there and... oh mister officer you saved my life!"

Her mouth opened wide on the 'oh', and her nostrils flared elegantly on 'officer'. He brushed back a curl on her face and tucked it behind her ear. Faint piano sounds began.

"A pretty thin like you shouldin have to see a awful thin like this. Let me take you home."

She coughed again and he put his jacket around her shoulders. The music began to fade as they walked through the underground parking lot, their bodies getting smaller on the screen.

"ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF GRASS STAINS? WELL YOU..."

I muted the television and watched the blonde with an aged face, widened eyes and wrinkled neck squeeze a bottle of detergent to her breasts, looking disturbingly happy at the camera. I rubbed my eyes with both hands and then my temples and ran my fingers through my hair over my scalp. My body felt sore and I let it lay, broken, back into the couch. I needed a drink. On the floor under the curtains I could see that the day was bright. The carpet looked warm, there. I itched my left ankle through my socks with my right toe, through a hole in my sock. The toe stuck right out of the sock.

The doorbell rang and when I opened the door the light was even whiter. I had to squint. There she was standing with light blue jean shorts on and a navy blue tank top. She wore running shoes and there was an ankle chain on her smooth ankles. Her hair looked so fresh. In one hand she held the dog chain and her little dog tried to sniff my feet. She tried hard not to look at my socks. She put her sunglasses on her forehead as she looked at me in the shade of my door. Her eyes seemed so clean. They didn't look directly at me. Her other hand held a small bag neatly wrapping a book. Her presence made me wish I had shaved, though in the past it had always made me look older, more mature.

"Hello Jonathon. I didn't wake you up, did I?"

I told her she had not and that I had been up for a while. I had been sorting things out, I told her. I was smiling. She did not know where to look. She smiled weakly.

"Well I was just walking Billy (wasn't I, precious... yes I was) um, yeah, and I had promised your brother I'd drop off this book."

She smiled genuinely.

"He said that if I REALLY did drop it off then he REALLY would read it."

She giggled. I smiled stronger. She stopped smiling. Her focus began to scatter again as she dropped her eyes to the ground. Billy yelped. I could feel the sun on my t-shirt. She shuffled her feet, her hand still holding out the bag. When I took it she used her hand to put her sunglasses back on the bridge of her nose. I didn't want her to go.

"Do you want to come in?"
"No."
"I could get you a drink."
"No I really ought to get going. Billy needs to be walked."
"Billy want a drink?"

I smiled, but she did not. Billy was sniffing something in the grass and the chain was extended. She was ready to go.

"Don't forget to give him the book"
"I won't."
"Goodbye Jonathon"

She left the path slightly jogging and talking to Billy, who was at full sprint. Her hair tossed about and she did not look back. I closed my door and my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room. I put the bag with the book on the counter. The Southern cop and the Latin waitress were back on the television, in bed. She was wearing his policeman hat on her wild and coloured hair. She looked like she was moaning. I unmuted the television. She was moaning.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> This is good but it seems lacking in the sleaziness and tackiness of the character. I dont know, maybe its just me but it doesnt seem exaggerated enough. I also didnt like the girl who came to the door. The more i read over it the more awkward a situation it seems. I think the pinnacle of this is the asking the dog for a drink, it makes me hate the guy quite a bit. -- james, 19:01:58 08/20/01 Mon

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> This is actually really funny particularly the beginning and there isn't anything that annoys me when I read it which is extremely unusual especially for such a long piece. I'm impressed. 'Quick paces' and 'mister officer' would be my favourite bits. -- luke, 18:44:47 08/21/01 Tue

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> this is a very effective piece. it needs some polishing (i could say where precisely if you wanted), but the somewhat detached feeling of possibilities failing to materialise is presented very evocatively. some grammar/punctuation points, but overall very well controlled. it would work as a filler in a collection of short stories. i doubt you could produce a whole bookful like that, though - it would wear thin after a while. -- si, 00:37:57 09/03/01 Mon

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]