Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm -- Unofficial Chris Cornell Forum

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Date Posted: 15:51:13 03/24/06 Fri
Author: Jes
Subject: Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm

OK...this might be all wrong and blasphomy. But it'll be fun - there are already flames chasing me down anyhow.

In Jesianity...Earth is God.

Commandments are as follows:

Thou shall not compare thyself with they neighbor.
Thou shall not kill
Thou shall only convert those that you wish to have sex with...

j/k on the last one. Earth is God - rather in a Pagan/Indian way. But the spin will be that it's modernized. And I need a star to endorse me. Like the Dad on OC - Peter something. He looks trustable, even though I've never seen 1 guy in so many "boinking 2 woman" movies. Help me brainstorm!

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Replies:

[> Re: Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm -- Jes, 15:55:21 03/24/06 Fri [1]

Let's get rid of racism too.

Like flowers of Goddess earth, we are many colors. But we are all flowers.

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[> Re: Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm -- 23, 16:11:18 03/24/06 Fri [1]

You're being far too reasonable with this stuff. You need to be ridiculous to be taken seriously as a religion. Reason is the opposite of faith.

The earth was created out of the void 5 billion years ago by a big fat, omnipotent, immortal baby who wanted a ball to play with. The baby, like all babies, was covered in germs. The germs got all over the ball and the germs evolved into squid, pecan trees and us.

The only commandment is to not do things that would make the uber-baby cry, like sitting still and learning things. So you have to constantly dance around and make funny faces and stuff, which will eventually lead to enlightenment in a state of baby-like idiocy and ignorance.

Now we've just got to work money in there somehow...

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[> Re: Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm -- carson1, 16:22:40 03/24/06 Fri [1]

The giant baby requires money, which is in fact honey suckle flowers and jolly ranchers, to appease it's ever growing need for insect repellant as the omni-potent baby is terrified of house flies and junebugs.

Only donations of insect repellant (and don't even think of buying that generic shit...only the name brand stuff will do), honey suckles or jolly ranchers will suffice. If not appeased...the baby will inflict the earth with a terrible shower of acid rain (which means off comes the diaper, and out comes the peepee).

Perfect!!!!!

Next commandment...though shall not poop in thy neighbors yard no matter how drunk you are....

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[> Re: Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm -- Jes, 16:43:44 03/24/06 Fri [1]

No no no. No babies in Jesianity. But you're right - I need a hard to believe concept.

OK. The Earth and the Sky were mad lovers. The Earth became jealous of the Sky holding both the Sun and the Moon. So from the BOWELS of the earth sprang mesquitos. The Sky laughed. "You have created an annoyance. I also have the stars. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha." So the Earth pushed from it's bowels again, but was only able to create the Grand Canyon. The Earth cried to the Sky "Do me in the axis!" and bam. Woman were born. The Earth had won - and had somthing more entertaining than the dependable Sun and Moon. But the woman got old. She also became predictable. And then JESSIE died (thus Jesianity). So the Earth cried again to the Sky "Do me in the axis." And another woman was born. But this time, the Air hadn't used a little of the ocean to ease the "doing." The Earth felt uncomfortable. She grew something near the axis. She stormed to get it off of there. It was an earth hemmeroid...it was man.

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[> Re: Creating Jesianity: Help me brainstorm -- tg, 10:50:31 03/26/06 Sun [1]

Thanks for the offer Jes, but I have my own religion it's called I March To The Beat Of My Own Drum.

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