| Subject: New Here...Feeling Alone and Scared |
Author:
Laurel
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Date Posted: 06/19/07 10:43pm
Hi, my name is Laurel and I've been looking high and low for a place where my feelings could be understood. I'm 24 and now 5 months pregnant, and I'm getting really scared because everything is really starting to sink in now. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years when I got pregnant, and we had been having problems for a while. He had always had some problems with depression, but he suffered a brain/back injury in Oct. of 04 and it became a total crisis shortly thereafter. At first I thought it was the stress of the injury and dealing with workman's comp and all that fine mess, but it has steadily gotten worse over the past 2 years. I'm really starting to think he is severely bi-polar, because he will be fine and happy for a couple of months and then hit rock bottom emotionally, even to the point of being suicidal.
When I found out I was pregnant, he was happy, but even then I knew how hard it was going to be. He hasn't been able to work since the accident and I was helping care for elderly family members at the time, and my grandfather had just passed away. After a few weeks it was evident that he was too wrapped up in his own problems to really get his head around having a child, so I told him it was best we spilt up and that he go live with his mother because of the constant stress of his mental state.
Soon after, my grandmother passed away as well, and still he would call me begging me to do this or that for him, and would get very angry when I refused, telling me I needed to have an abortion and things like that, so I cut off all contact with him at that time.
I ran into him a couple of weeks ago and he is back to his old self again (for now) and wanting to go to the Dr. with me and going shopping for baby supplies, etc. I just wonder how long this will last.
The worst part is that there is only a couple of people in my family that are any kind of supportive of me right now, and everyone else pretty much just ignores the fact that I'm pregnant. My mom and stepmom are the only people that seem remotely happy, and even that seems forced, and it brings me down. My mom has been chronically ill since I was little, so I've always tried not to burden her with my problems, and as a result we're not terribly close. I don't know how I'm going to get even a little help with my baby once it's here and how I'm going to survive. I know I can get a job, but I don't know how I can live and pay a babysitter/daycare at the same time. If I try and talk to anyone about it, usually the only response I get is a shrug of shoulders or a "yeah, its gonna be hard" and not much else. I suddenly feel so alone and depressed; there's no one I can really tell all my feelings to. I could go to my ex right now and he would listen and be totally supportive and reassuring, but that is for now until he most likely has another breakdown, and that doesn't make me feel too hopeful. I was very close to my grandparents and feel sort of lost now that their gone. My family couldn't have been happier when I split from my ex because of all the stress I had went through with him, and I haven't told them I've spoken to him again because I know the chewing I will get.
I feel so tired and burned out and confused. Part of me wants to at least spend some time with my ex at least for now while he's himself, not really get back together, but as close friends. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I want that support from him, and because I want him there when the baby comes and for him to tell me its going to be ok. I don't even know if that's wrong. One reason I left was because I didn't want to put my child through the turmoil of his instability. I feel like I'm running out of time to find out what I need to do that would be best for me and my child, but I just can't seem to find the answers right now. I'm sorry this has been so long, but I am really hoping that I could find some helpful advice, and maybe lend a supportive ear to others as well. I appreciate your listening...
Laurel
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Re: New Here...Feeling Alone and Scared