Re: It's everywhere. -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 18:01:05 05/03/16 Tue
Author: BryonM (a lot of it is in our heads)
Subject: Re: It's everywhere.
In reply to: Susan 's message, "Re: It's everywhere." on 02:20:36 04/20/16 Wed

I haven't been in this forum in months, which I take to be a measure of how far I've come. I agree with Bob, L, and Susan here. I can't change the past. I can't change my ex. I can't change what the media does or doesn't show. I can't deny the pain. I can't pretend my heart wasn't broken.

I can change my attitude. I can change the information I decide to believe. I can change my behaviors. I can hope for a better future. I can try to learn from my life and pay it forward. I can hold onto anger and misery, or I can let it go. I can change who I listen to, who I pick as a role model, whose advice I consider. I can change who I choose to associate with and how I spend my time.

I have learned that by holding onto the hurt and anger, I was STILL handing control of my life over to my ex, who for all intents and purposes was no longer around. But I still believed it was SHE making me miserable. That is crazy. I was doing it to myself and blaming her instead of owning it and doing something about it. But I had to go through it to see it and learn from it.

It isn't easy, and I'm not saying it is. It's hard. It takes time. It gets better, but it requires working on yourself, because you're the only one who can do it. I started giving all the credit to my therapist for a while there, but even that was giving control of my life over to someone else. I am responsible for my life, nobody else is, and to blame it all one someone else is a kind of narcissism of its own.

Ouch. I know. But I said it, and I own it, because I believe it's true.

I used to imagine arriving at the Pearly Gates and being asked "What did you do while you were alive?" Now I think (and hope) the real question will be "What did you learn while you were alive?" I love what Susan said here but I interpret it this way: embrace whatever makes you uncomfortable, it means you still have work to do.

"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?" - Abraham Lincoln

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Replies:

Re: It's everywhere. -- PrivateGal, 03:15:24 05/04/16 Wed
Re: It's everywhere. -- Bob (Well said!), 06:12:56 05/04/16 Wed
Re: It's everywhere. -- Susan (THANKS BYRON: question for you), 10:44:40 05/04/16 Wed
- Re: It's everywhere. -- BryonM (great story and question), 08:55:40 05/13/16 Fri
  - Re: It's everywhere. -- BryonM (I should add...), 09:41:18 05/13/16 Fri
    - Re: It's everywhere. -- still wondering, 12:00:54 05/13/16 Fri
    - Re: It's everywhere. -- Sun (I'm glad you found peace but), 13:39:41 05/13/16 Fri
      - Re: It's everywhere. (NT) -- Lake Breeze (Good points, Sun!), 12:43:48 05/14/16 Sat
  - Re: It's everywhere. -- Susan (Thanks Byron), 19:04:15 05/13/16 Fri
    - Re: It's everywhere. -- BryonM (LOL), 15:58:12 05/14/16 Sat
      - Re: It's everywhere. -- Susan, 19:50:37 05/14/16 Sat