| Subject: Re: Speaking out of turn - Part 2 |
Author:
Kyla/Cassie
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Date Posted: 03:06:43 07/08/01 Sun
In reply to:
Cassie/Kyla
's message, "Speaking out of turn - Part 1" on 02:59:10 07/08/01 Sun
Here is the rest, this part is shorter:
10. KYLA AGAIN: I have to tell you, I think I have some clarity here! I am standing in a place where I am feeling myself as a very young child, just as I was starting to communicate, and my father fell in love with me and my mother became jealous and they both withdrew, and I didn't know why but it was my fault. I felt her hurt and anger and his confused sorrow, and his anger too, and I felt there was something deeply and basically wrong with me, and I was terrified and ashamed! And so all the ways I learned to communicate, however graceful or strong or honest I thought I was being, I was primarily using communication to screen myself off in that place, to protect myself and also to hide myself! So I am standing in here behind those screens and it is as if I am ripping them apart and shredding them, because the pain of having everything that goes out of me and everything that comes into me twisted and skewed by those screens is worse than the hurt place I am protecting! There. I think I said it . Thank you for being there to hear it!
11. CASSIE: Awesome silence for a long time.
Wow.
Wow.
I am stunned by your ability to be vulnerable here, by your discernment and your honesty. Stunned. Good work.
12. CASSIE AGAIN: All of a sudden here I am nobody. Knowing nothing. An absurd fool. No better than anyone else. Not special. Not even worthy of attention. Feeling at a loss. Nothing to prop me up. My mind has given up trying because I keep exposing it. My sense of identity is up for grabs. This has just hit me. From out of nowhere a hurricaine has appeared. Where’s my head, my body, my sense of integrity, my sense of being wonderful, of holding myself gently? Wheew...blown away by this sudden intense wind. Just standing here a little bewildered, knowing that somehow something SOMEwhere...must be all OK.
Kyla, this is big for me too. It feels like I have no pretenses left, yet I know of one or two. I guess I just don’t have enough left to hide behind anymore. How are you doing this morning?
13. KYLA: This is a good description of how I was feeling just before clarity struck. It's one of the hardest places I have ever been. It's also one of the most magical because it is where we are standing confronting the Guardian at the Gate, (to use an old-fashioned term) and just by STANDING there we claim ourselves. So I believe this morning. I want to say, I stand there with you, but in truth I think this is something no one can do for another, accompany them in this place...by its nature it's a solo journey! Oh! I honor you for standing there! I feel a great welcoming for what is to come! One of the things I did last night was listen to a tape I have where Saniel talks about perseverance. He talks about it being like a dark tunnel where you have to just go forward because you can't go back. You are in that final Gateway. His words gave me strength, and I hope they do so for you. Please keep talking to me!
I feel a little shaky this morning, and kind of purged. I do not feel I am finished with this by a long shot, it's too big to be resolved this quickly, and I guess I will have to see it, feel it, live it, be it, and speak it a bunch more times for adequate transformation to take place. But I do feel like I got a whole piece. I want to thank you again for being there while I went through this initial exploration; in a major way I could not have done it without you, and Deidra, and what was stimulated in me by what each of you said. Wow!
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