| Subject: Today I am Noticing |
Author:
Cassie
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Date Posted: 00:08:45 07/03/01 Tue
that no one else is here. No, just kidding.
Noticing my addictive tendencies. Noticing what happens when I don't go there, don't eat, don't play computer solitaire, don't check to see if there's anything new on the forum, etc. etc. Feeling the terror behind and underneath, the terror which is so easy to escape by just DOING something.
Letting it have me...again. It seems like no matter how many times I allow myself to feel all this, inevitably I'll fall back into avoidance of it again. Vacation from it...fall back into it. Something to eat to placate the body and something to think to occupy the mind at the same time. Eating and playing computer solitaire.
Aha...that was the mind deciding that it was no use, in that sentence about the inevitability of addictions returning. You've got to watch out for the mind's collusion with avenues of escape. The mind can be quite hypermasculine. Relaxing out of that one too. Rambling on here keeps me from feeling it. Excuse me while I fall into the terror...
It seems like there are two states here. Either I am Doing or I am Being. Sounds like a simple choice, but it's not because the Doing happens unconsciously. Yes, now with the Noticing, it's becoming conscious, but it's so easy to forget again, reach for that apricot in the fruit bowl and gravitate to the computer while my mind exudes brain fog. It's such a Pattern. It's ingrained, automatic. Noticing it seems to take effort, vigilance, seems hypermasculine...confusion, typing errors...stop...feel...
When I write this here, whether or not I ever push the send button, you are with me. You are witnessing my exposure. I feel you there, liquid eyes compassionately holding me. Thank you. That helps a lot.
Perhaps this dichotomy of states is what we were talking about earlier in the "Back to the Stones" dialogue. Kyla's Life-sense...Ben's awareness of everything being alive...Deidra's sensitivity to animals. The Doing keeps us from Being here, Being aware, feeling everything. The Doing, the addictions, the mind's incessant activity...all pull us away from the pit, the core wound. Frantically clawing our way out of it, we fail to notice that it contains our life force. We fail to notice that without it we are dying...
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