playing with haikus a bit..... -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 19:12:48 05/07/01 Mon
Author: Zeina Muna
Subject: playing with haikus a bit.....

Hiding my smile, like
Swallowing a strawberry
I look at you, dear.

You direct me so
Politely, your head holds a
Crown. I sway gently.

Suddenly, dear, time
Stops forever, and my arms
Open like blown curtains-

You crawl over the
Balcony, with kisses and
Rhyme on your skewed lips.

But, I'll only kiss
Back, dear, when you leave your crown
Outside, to rattle.

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[> ok i actually dont mind this so much unless i try to force your ideas upon it. The nasty strawberry thing is pretty good with the swallowing something stereotpically sweet. The 'dear' is incredibly patronising (i feel) and really helps. I like how it is degrading to the other person, that he has to leave his pride at the door. -- james, 22:28:00 05/24/01 Thu

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[> ok now then, skewed lips just seems ugly and awkward. Arms like blown curtains is too hard to picture nad really distant from everything else. It helps set the scene but little else. I like the idea of the person being in control when he is directing her. Just the politely ruins it there and seems really weak compared tot he overall patronising, controlling tone. Dont understand why its in haikus either. -- james, 22:29:17 05/24/01 Thu

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[> Why the form? Not just bitter, but insane and horrid. Quite good but I hate seeing this every time I come on the board. The images work well; strawberry, curtains, crown. -- luke, 08:50:06 05/25/01 Fri

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[> Re: playing with haikus a bit..... -- tim, 13:31:02 05/25/01 Fri

I like the extension of haiku format into a longer type of poem, its quite a good idea; especially if its original?! The poem suggests something of another poet... another poet that has lied to you?? At times it seems that you are in control of him, and at times it is quite the opposite; which creates a certain ambiguity. But I am not sure if I like the uncertainty it creates... what do you want from this poem?? Overall really good, but I like your morning radio ghost one better!!