more rhymey poems (forgive all these poems, nut I have a backlog of about a years writing no one has ever seen) -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 14:16:05 05/25/01 Fri
Author: tim
Subject: more rhymey poems (forgive all these poems, nut I have a backlog of about a years writing no one has ever seen)

Your magnificence

Again I'll taste a dream of you tonight
And heavy headed wake up with the light
To think of you is coal and steam
That ploughs me through the day so green
My soul has jealous hills of those with you
who daily taste and love your tissue
They wake with you not in their head
And thus where you beauty lives,
Your magnificence is somehow dead?
-----------------------------------

Dusk pt 2

Yellow, neon and high rise grey
The steps fade to sirens
As the New York night
Swallows New York day

The shadow

Purple robe wrapped in electric blue light
And the stars are poles idling in the night
As we ascend them, only you and I
To take our place atop the sky
And we warm each other softly there
So we can hide in shadow from daylights stare
And make our own selves live
Off only what we each can give
That soon enough we'll chase the day
And our light shall melt the sun away.

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Replies:

[> Your magnificence: I like the first four lines a lot, the third line made me want to write a poem myself. I can't get passed "jealous hills" - a perplexing image. The rhyme works apart from "tissue" which I think has the wrong stress, I could be wrong. t -- luke, 17:27:08 05/26/01 Sat

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[> ...be wrong. the change of rhyme in the last threes lines is good too, slows it for a conclusion. I'd be interested to know whether you (or si for that matter) hated the rhyme in my unfinished piece as much as Zeina Muna and James Barbour did. -- luke, 17:28:18 05/26/01 Sat

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[> [> i agreed with zeina and james about 'wrong', but thought a fair amount of the rhyme in the rest of the excerpt worked. overall, though, i thought it lacked focus, so instead of appreciating the moments which worked, i was left unsure what you were really trying to achieve... -- si, 20:47:23 06/05/01 Tue

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[> The Shadow: I quite like this, especially the second line. This has a really good soft, steady pace, rhythm. It makes me want to patronise you, though, and maybe you didn't intend that. -- luke, 17:36:25 05/26/01 Sat

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[> Your Magnificance: I liked it the rhyming throughout most of it works really well which is quite an acomplishment. I'm not sure about the green day or is that meant to be about the jealousy becasue then is that cliched. Tissue also seems to be a bit out not becasue of the rhyming just the actual word. I like the last line, although mow i think about it the fact that it is Your Magnificance for some reason makes it sound like mocking some royalty or an animal, maybe thats just me. -- maggie, 14:38:54 05/27/01 Sun

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[> Dusk pt 2: yep i liked this too. You seem to have got everything into those few lines. What was the pt 2 for out of cuirosity? (please excuse the spelling). Nothing else to say, perfect! -- meg, 14:42:17 05/27/01 Sun

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[> Hum, It seems as if you have tried to squish too much into it and it appears a little jumbled up (before si says it, probably more like the confusion my stuff ends up in. I don't like the purple and the electric blue together but then that could just be me thinking there is a colour clash. My favourtie lines are the third and fourth and the last two. These seem to come together and compliment each other although then i'm not sure they go with the title. -- mags, 14:48:49 05/27/01 Sun

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[> [> i am rarely rude to you, miss g! -- si, 20:36:49 06/05/01 Tue

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[> there is a dusk part 1. not so good though, its a contrast to the inner city dusk... I'll stick it up, but I think pt 2 is far better. Thanks for all the criticisms and critiques by the way, its helping lots! -- tim, 20:01:57 05/27/01 Sun

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[> to be honest, tim (although there are some good moments in these), i think you would benefit from writing without rhyme for a while. many of these rhymes are forcing you into old-fashioned grammatical structures which stop your poems from sounding natural. -- si, 20:40:53 06/05/01 Tue

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