Lucas asked me to post something, so here's a sonnet I just wrote. -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 16:27:02 04/29/01 Sun
Author: George Root
Subject:

Lucas asked me to post something, so here's a sonnet I just wrote.

One moment in a long time

I can remember a late afternoon.
Covered in the subtleties of twilight
The uncertainty of approaching night
Fought for on light blue sheets through dark blue eyes.
The lights of the city, whisper and moan,
Cars in the street drive an unholy drone.
Together so far, from being alone.
All the smoke rises and fills up the room.
Pretend the rhythm was never broken
Swallowing love unsure and unspoken
Light blue eyes close and dark blue eyes open.
Softly to sleep, in a silent embrace
The hair, the body, the lips and the face
No touching emotion, no time, no place.

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Replies:

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i'll go super detailed on this one.... love the first line and the contrast between it and the rhythym pace and change of mood at the end. i HATE the word 'subtleties' even though its very like me to say something awful like that. i'm not sure if i like the light/dark blue thing. i'm not sure what its trying to say. (again it should be something i'd like).... -- zeina, 17:48:47 04/29/01 Sun

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...i dont like the temporary rhyme in the middle - it seems odd and messy though i DO like the actual stuff you are saying in them 'unholy drone' and 'moan' and all that. i quite like the 'swallowing love' part its very descriptive and effective, in my opinion. 'softly' to sleep doesn't work for me either - doesn't fit in with ther rhythym of that section of the poem. actually the overall rhyme is pretty sloppy. (again i'm not one to talk) -- zeina (part 2), 17:50:27 04/29/01 Sun

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I think the rhyme works well except from the 'drone' and 'moan'. I dont like the unholy bit either. It is very good though and i like it a lot, the tone is really felt and the rhythm is really clear in most parts. -- james, 17:23:56 04/30/01 Mon

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I almost like the light blue/dark blue thing but I don't. I don't mind 'subtleties' or 'unholy.' I like the rhyme but I'm not sure if it adds much to the meaning or just makes it seem crazy different. The lack of rhyme with 'room' makes me want to say 'brokoom' so the rhythm is broken there, very dramatic and quite funny in a way. The break made me expect a major change in content/tone in the second half, but there wasn't much of a change.... -- luke, 05:43:22 05/01/01 Tue

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[> [> ...The rhythm is all very good, especially the last 3 lines. I don't like the third last line, seems a bit wet. -- luke, 05:44:26 05/01/01 Tue

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