Re: Advice -- Unofficial Chris Cornell Forum

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Date Posted: 05:20:33 03/02/06 Thu
Author: alight
Subject: Re: Advice
In reply to: chico781 's message, "Advice" on 15:59:14 02/28/06 Tue

I wish you good luck in going forward in your decision, and I'm hoping for the best future outcome for both of you.

It's my impression that she's not playing games with you. After six years together, it's not some courtship ritual she's seeking or is motivated by. She's been confused and conflicted about the relationship for a while now. The major moves towards commitment this past fall seem to have been too much for her to handle, unless there were other substantial changes in her circumstance, or perhaps a major loss occurring at that time, which might have brought on the depression. BTW around six months is the normal course for acute depression, after which it spontaneously lifts, therapy/medication or not.

Seeing that it was only a few days ago that she was not able to give you clear answers to your questions, it's unlikely you'll get a much different response now, especially in the direction that you would hope for. I understand your drive to follow your heart and gut, and I do feel 'you gotta do what you gotta do'. At the same time, I agree with a lot of what Christian had to say. Whether or not she has stated it clearly enough, she does need to have time to define herself outside of your relationship. Even if you can convince her to 'give it another try', she will still have that need, and yes, it would eventually be going back to the same situation.

Of course she has a lot of feeling and love for you, and she got a great deal out of your relationship. If she didn't, there wouldn't have been the internal conflict, I would assume, and the resulting depression. It was a very difficult emotional place for her to be. She still has those conflicts, those feelings, I'm sure. Perhaps that's why it's hard for her to be confident in her decision to grow separately and to be able to relate that to you.

All this doesn't help your feelings much, does it :(

I'm sorry you're going through this. Stating the obvious... love hurts. You seem to be a very loving and devoted man, which unfortunately makes this all the more painful.

I can only echo what Amadaun, and others have said-- give it your best shot, if that's what you feel you need to do. "Then you have done everything possible, and should have no regrets". It may not be enough to take away the pain, if she doesn't want the relationship that you want, but it could help you to move forward towards happiness in the future.

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[> Re: Advice -- lump, 09:13:59 03/02/06 Thu [1]

Chico - I have so much respect for you just simply for putting your heart aside and doing what you thought was best for this girl that you love. That is love. Most people wouldn't stand by and wait like that. That takes a shitload of strength. Even though it hurts, I hope a little part of you takes some pride in your ability to do that for another person.

Depression sucks and I can totally understand how much it can affect how you perceive another person - even one that you love. Maybe though she should see a psycologist or psychiatrist instead of a therapist though. It sounds like she's getting TOO MUCh advice. A psycologist/psychiatrist is not supposed to give advice. I think councelors and therapists ought to keep their mouths shut too, to be honest.

I don't have any advice on what to do - I think you'll follow your heart.

But I do have one interesting side point. I don't know how old you two are. Before I graduated from high school, I decided that my life goal was to have no regrets. Young and niave, I didn't realize it's impossible. Anyhow, I was in the work program and worked at B&W in Barberton. There were at that time so many smart and inspirational woman who worked there. I really looked up to them. So I asked, one by one, what their biggest regret in life was. ALL of them said moving straight from their parents house to their husbands' house - metaphorically - was their biggest regret. NONE of them had taken time to live on their own (and being an older generation - most of them couldn't have anyhow). They all felt like they never really got to have that time alone to figure out who they were. They were daughter, then wife and mother and nothing in between.

I took that advice to heart. I thought it was pretty shocking. I moved out of my parents house a month and a half after I graduated from high school. I only got less than a year (before I got knocked up and my bf moved in), but I did that for me and for those ladies. Maybe your girl needs the same?

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