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Date Posted: 20:28:52 02/19/06 Sun
Author: chrys
Subject: myspace high school bully dilemma
i want to know what you all would do...
let me give some background on this guy. i was in eleventh grade and i totally liked this guy chris. he was younger than me, a freshman i think, but so tall you would never guess it. blond hair, blue eyes, killer smile, and he had a reputation as being a sort of "bad kid," like he hung out w/this cousin of his and their whole group of punkass kids, always the ones i go for, lol, and he was funny and smart and whatever, so i really liked him.
so this one day, b/c he was mad at me, my friend steve called this guy chris and said, "i know someone who likes you," blah blah and went on to tell chris that it was someone he'd said hi to on the way home from school the day before. that narrowed it down to me and two other friends. then steve said it was a junior, and that narrowed it down to me and one other girl.
so then this guy chris says to my friend steve, "oh i hope it's not that albino freak!"
and that has stayed with me ever since. god it's like eight years later at this point, but that was like all my suspicions confirmed that no boys would ever like me b/c of my condition. and still every time i like a new guy, that comment is the back of my mind, like i'm still afraid there is a chance i will never be an actual person to them, just this see-through ghost-likeimage of god knows what.
so i've been working on my myspace, and i was putting in my schools and decided to just see who from my schools had a page, and one of the FIRST ones that came up was this guy. i knew as soon as i saw the nickname, and he also uses his full name somewhere in there.
and i have to say some evil part of me REALLY wants to say something to him. he probably won't even remember any of this, but it feels like an unhealed wound, and like here is this tempting chance to stand up and call him on his shit.
what do you think? am i being immature? or should i say something?
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- stillreign, 20:58:18 02/19/06 Sun [1]
I think you know what I would do in your shoes. I’d totally confront the motha fucker! Big ass surprise there huh? Anyone who knows me even a little knows I would do it even knowing there is a strong possibility that he has no clue who you even are anymore. Stuff like that usually sticks with the person it happened to more than the one who did/said it.
Still there is something to be said for getting it off your chest. As long as you don’t have some expectation of them feeling guilt or even giving a damn because they might not.
When I was living in New York (sometimes between 81-84) I decided that I was going to contact anyone who I felt had wronged or hurt me and tell them how I felt. So I did. I confronted my dad on every single wrong I thought he made with me. Generally just really sucking as any kind of real dad. I also had an uncle on my list. This uncle aside from being super shitty with kids chose to embarrass kids whenever he could just for shits and giggle. He would often publicly make comments about my intellect and my limited reading/writing skills as a kid due to server dyslexia. He even went as far as to make announcements of this at family parties. Ok, so it’s not wonder I have issues with this as an adult. And I pretty much blame him for it (him and a few others). Ok, so yeah I gave it to him not once but twice. I also announced at my cousins wedding that he was a total jerk to kids, and that he singles handedly crushed my self-esteem where my intellect was concerned. Turns out he doesn’t even recall those events. But pretty much every one else did.
For me it helped me to release some of the anger I felt about this by confronting him. Obviously I didn’t forget it, but I have let go of some of the deep seeded anger that rather than boosting me up as a child he caused me to pull more inward. What kind of adult does that?
You know my answer -- Yes, yes, yes I’d totally give him a piece of my mind. And NO you are not being childish. It’s clear that like me those comments have stayed with you and play a part even today in how you view yourself. And I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to let someone know how you feel about what they did.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- tg, 21:13:01 02/19/06 Sun [1]
I would say something to him, but he didn't say that to your face so I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt you.
He sounds like a stupid jerk to say that without knowing you, but maybe he has changed so he may be really happy to hear from you. I've bumped into people who were assholes in High School and they haven't changed, so I don't know.However it's time to clear the air with him and tell him how you felt, closure and getting it off your chest could do some good. How ironic to meet up with the person who caused so much damage to your person. This is your opportunity to move on.
btw I'm speaking for everyone when I say we all want to see his myspace profile, so feed us the link. lol
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- Christian, 22:55:14 02/19/06 Sun [1]
Chrys,
I do not and would never defend or try to minimise the hurt that this comment obviously caused you. But I think you should remember a couple of things:
1) Kids can be cruel (and if he was grade 11 he was maybe 16 and he WAS just a kid in a juvenile environment)
2) A comment that he made 8 years ago as a schoolkid is probably not indicative of the person he is today.
Think about how much you've grown as a person and how much you've learned, how your views have changed, how you've matured in the last 8 years...
I would encourage you to contact him and tell him how he affected you back then if it's important to you. But don't be surprised if he doesn't remember it. From what you've said, it wasn't something he actually said to you to try and offend you.
It all depends what you want to achieve by doing it...
C.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- 23, 23:00:57 02/19/06 Sun [1]
I can think of very valid reasons for going either way .
On the one hand, if you say something, you take the emotional weight off of your shoulders and put it on his. Which is only just, as his comment has stuck with you for so long.
On the other hand, you could just ignore him and take the high road. Forgive him for being a closed-minded ass, and don't let him have any more power over your life.
I don't know what I would do.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- chrys, 23:56:14 02/19/06 Sun [1]
all right...
as soon as i read stillreign's response i was of and running, lol. i will show you guys what i wrote:
chris,
you probably don't remember me, and may not even after i tell you who i am. i went to high school with you at PTHS but was a grade or two ahead of you. my name is chrys buckley and i used to hang out with heather brink and a few other mutual friends. one day during our junior year, our friend steve from belleville called and told you that one of the girls in our group had a crush on you. my name must have come up, because steve told me a few days later that you said, "i hope it's not that albino freak."
that really hurt my feelings. that was a completely inappropriate thing to say, and somethig that i have never forgotten. just because i look different and have a genetic condition that most people don't have to deal with (something that i have zero control over), does not make me a freak, or make it okay for anyone to treat me that way. it is not easy, socially, to live with such a condition, and all these years later, your sentence still follows me around. it's become almost a knee-jerk kreaction when i'm meeting new people or interested in some guy, to wonder to myself, oh what if they think that way too? luckily most people i meet these days aren't that insensitive, and will look at people as people and not as some image or label. and still what you said echoes in my head.
you may not remember any of this, but i just looked up PTHS on myspace today for the first time and when i saw yours, all of this came back up again, and i didn't want to let it go without saying something.
and yes christian, i have considered these things. not really sure what to do with them though. btw i was 17 and he was 15. i would like to think at that age i would not have said something like that, either to a person directly or not. it is really hard for me understand how anyone would even think that was okay. i mean 15 isn't 5. then again, i think having a condition tha'ts different maybe gave me a heightened awareness of stuff like that at a young age. like maybe b/ci knew what it felt like, i was more aware of not saying stuff like that to other people. also my momwould have gone apeshit if i had ever said anything remotely like that, like based on soemoen's appearance or race or disability or something like that. so i had that instilled at a much younger age. it just seems like common courtesy/human decency to me, but oh well.
anyway as for the purpose, i guess its' like, i couldn't say anything at 17. i wastoo scared, and scared he'd figure otu that yes it was me w/the crush. i totally had no clue how to stand up for myself then, and anyway i was mousier than a mouse at school. so this feels like my chance to do it over and hopefully to do it in a mature way like w/o being some sort of total asshole in return.
okay here is his myspace:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=2461066
he has some cool bands on there. oh well i feel weird about the whole thing but at least i sent it and can't undo it now.
and btw, here's mine:
www.myspace.com/lotusmoonflowering
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- chrys, 00:05:32 02/20/06 Mon [1]
yeah i dont' know if it was the right thing, or if there is a specific right thing, but i already did it. i almost felt like i couldn't not do it. but i hope i did it in a way that was not immature or asshole-ish.
my inner 17 yr old is still scared though, like omg what is he going to say?
i don't quite know what's gong on in my life but i feel like i've been in a lot of situations lately where the point has been to stand up and tell ppl how i really feel, and again not in a totally angry jerk off kind of way. but first there was the thing w/my parents, leaving early and that whole tense situation. then lately i also had to tell a woman who wanted to come "evaluate me " (b/c of my eyesight) on my daily living skills that i was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of her coming to my house. then i had to fire the girl who was doing some typing for me, or should i say who was supposed to be doing some typing for me, lol. she kept telling me, okay this afternoon, tomorrow, later this week, and it had been a month and a half since i got any work from her, not to mention the stuff i idd get it took me so long to undo the errors adn a lot of times i had to look at my originals to even figure out what it was supposed to say. and i also just sent my mom a letter askig for some info on some things. so it has seemed to be a running theme, like how to say things and still have understanding of the other person, but still say what is needed.
it's tiring lol.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- Christian, 08:17:34 02/20/06 Mon [1]
The other thing to remember is the Chinese Whisper factor. He might not have even said what you were told. Second hand information is nothing if not reliable at being completely unreliable...
When I was a schoolkid - there was this really anti-social guy in my family group named Ian. He was a goth who did karate and would do shit like sharpen his fingernails into points. He wore long black trench coats and was a poster child for a Columbine massacre. One day, I don't even remember what set him off but BAM, he punched me in the mouth and busted me pretty good. He was a couple of years older than me and by the time I started fighting back, teachers and others came in to break it up. I hated him all through school for that. To this day I can still remember a massive dallop of blood hitting the floor as my lip split.
A couple of years after I left school, I was at a Uni party and ran into him. He was so apologetic about what had happened years earlier, admitted that he was a complete dickwad in highschool and had no excuse for what he did to me. We ended up hanging out and getting pissed together that night.
My point is that it would be a pretty tough call to hold someone accountable 8 years down the track for something they did/said (or supposedly said/did) when they were a 15 year old schoolkid. I doubt there's anyone in the world who can exempt themselves from the category of doing or saying something in their teenage years that was hurtful or they regret. I can't. Can you Chrys?
I think it's good that you got it off your chest though.
C.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- noslave, 09:29:32 02/20/06 Mon [1]
Fifteen? He was a kid and kids say stupid things. Let it go.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- lump, 09:36:17 02/20/06 Mon [1]
What's done is done.
I don't know though why we carry these people around with us. When someone says/does something assinine, why don't we just wash our hands of it and walk away? Assinine behavior is kinda like a big announcement "I'm an ass with nothing to offer you." I don't know why we don't just turn away.
I remember hearing "If I had legs like that I wouldn't be wearing a mini-skirt." because a size 6 is apparantly just gigantic. I remember one guy who I wouldn't to this day speak to because he would malisciously turn around in his desk to call me a slut and tell me my skirt was too short (I'm 5 foot 2- they don't make skirts that are too short). I wouldn't be surprised if he was a serial killer today - he was creepy. I remember people thinking I was a witch and never understanding where they got that. I remember one girl saying "I would have never guessed you were so nice because you look like a serious bitch." I remember teachers announcing to my biology class that I gave "great orals." They meant report and they knew. Come on.
But I also know that I've dished it out, too. One of my dearest friends smelled like fish - very strong - every day. She was the sweetest thing always - but she smelled unbearable and all my other friends would get up and walk away when she came over. So you can imagine the jokes. Later on we found out that they had some sort of water problem at her house that made that smell. I remember throwing runts down this one guys' plumber butt pants. I remember sending out applications for a date after a break up. I had slam books.
I just think that's the bad part about raging hormones. I think the brightest grow out of it, and the dullest stay that way. Look at Romie and Michelles' Reunion! LOL!
Hopefully this guy is a grown up and will apologize. If not, wash your hands - the guy is defective and therefor anything he said should be tossed aside.
I think you're beautiful. I think rareties are like shiny jewels sticking out in a bag of rocks. :)
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- tg, 09:55:58 02/20/06 Mon [1]
"Hopefully this guy is a grown up and will apologize. If not, wash your hands - the guy is defective and therefor anything he said should be tossed aside."
~~~ Listen to that!
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- tg, 10:07:51 02/20/06 Mon [1]
Growing up I was always able to be friends with anyone, even more so if I felt you were the underdog, I would befriend you. I knew this girl who was the sweetest person in the world, but she used to get teased because she smelled like pee. I was one of her friends and I slept over at her house and her room smelled awful, like she had a bed wetting problem. I learned that she and her brother basically took care of themselves, they lived in a nice home and they always had lots of food, but their mother was a raving alcoholic, it wasn't her fault. I wish I knew what became of her.
Anyway I just wanted to say that.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- chrys, 16:05:54 02/20/06 Mon [1]
well, he replied and he was very cool about the whole thing. he told me he didn't remember saying that and thinks he didn't, but can't be sure b/c he was on so many drugs at the time (and went on to list them). then he said if he did say it he apologizes, and he thanked me for bringing it up. SO i guess it's all good. that is part of why i was careful in my email to him not to be like "you motherfucking asshole blah blah blah..." i feel so relieved that the air is cleared.
you know, as far as regretting high school things, there was this girl i was friends with, and she drove me crazy. i sat w/her fresh or soph year b/c i had no one else to sit with, but she and i had nothing in common. she would get offended if anyone cursed which if you know me, well, lol. my mouth was even worse back then. so one day i picked a fight w/her b/c i didn't want to be friends anymore. it was ridiculous really, and there are nicer ways to go about it for sure, and if i saw her now i would apologize.
other than that there is not too much, not cuz i was super nice or anything, just quiet. plus i think i felt too low on the social ladder, like i couldn't afford to be really mean to anyone. although that guy steve and i both put up with a fair amount of shit from the other, and i once told my neighbors' each other's secrets, now that was a lesson, lol. my big prob back then was being friends with people i didn't really like, just cuz they were the only ppl willing to be my friends, and i think i was too afraid of being completely alone to really "be myself" so to speak. and i'm sure i talked about some of them behind their backs, and also sure it went both ways. almost like whoever wasn't around at a particular time would get talked about. pretty shitty if you think about it. sometimes i eel like i wasted a lot on that, and had to later relearn like how to make friends with thegood people and how not to get too mixed up w/ppl you're not interested in just cuz they give the time of day in a nice voice.
anyway the feeling of the lifted weight is enormous. i am soooo glad i said something.
lump i can't believe the comment about the skirt, (or the "gives good orals" omg) that's awful. and what is a slam book? i also had a friend amy who was heavy and man, she totally got ripped apart too. hs is like a dog eat dog world out there, no one survives it totally intact.
btw i've also had two ppl apologize to me in later HS for things they did earlier, and one of them i had never even remembered him doing anything specifically. we were friends for years after that, until he sorta went off the deep end with occult stuff, and i do mean deep end.
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Re: myspace high school bully dilemma -- lump, 16:43:56 02/20/06 Mon [1]
A slam book ... did you ever see Mean Girls? They had one - it's certainly not a new idea. It's a notebook where everyone signs their name next to a number and then uses their number as a signature on each page (so you have to go back and see who said what). Each page has a question like What do you think of the Prom Queen? or Have you had sex? Anyhow - they were alot of fun, but there was always a turning point where it'd go from fun to mean and then you're stuck with this mean book.
I think we were all tortured by someone at some point and will never forget what they said (like the boyfriend who said "I wish you looked more like Madonna."). I wonder if that will step aside now that you have confronted it?
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