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Once more unto the breach dear friends
Drunkeness, poetry and doctored photos, courtesy of our own Mr Lowbridge

Subject: Free Download Samsung Galaxy Gt S6102 Duos Pc Suite ...


Author:
gervmar
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 14:19:37 01/27/14 Mon




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Subject: Monkeys


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01:13:29 06/30/04 Wed

My head really hurts, but this is aparently possible ...

A ROPE OVER THE TOP OF A FENCE HAS THE SAME LENGTH ON EACH SIDE.
WEIGHS 1/3 POUND PER FOOT. ON ONE END HANGS A MONKEY HOLDING A
BANANA, AND ON THE OTHER END A WEIGHT EQUAL TO THE WEIGHT
OF THE MONKEY. THE BANANA WEIGHS TWO OUNCES PER INCH.
THE ROPE IS AS LONG AS THE AGE OF THE MONKEY,
AND THE WEIGHT OF THE MONKEY (IN OUNCES) IS AS MUCH
AS THE AGE OF THE MONKEY'S MOTHER. THE COMBINED AGES OF MONKEY
AND MOTHER ARE THIRTY YEARS. HALF THE WEIGHT OF THE MONKEY,
PLUS THE WEIGHT OF THE BANANA, IS ONE FOURTH AS MUCH AS THE WEIGHT
OF THE WEIGHT AND THE ROPE.
THE MONKEY'S MOTHER IS HALF AS OLD AS THE MONKEY WILL BE
WHEN IT IS 3 TIMES AS OLD AS ITS MOTHER WAS WHEN
SHE WAS HALF AS OLD AS THE MONKEY WILL BE WHEN IT IS
AS OLD AS ITS MOTHER WILL BE WHEN SHE IS 4 TIMES AS
OLD AS THE MONKEY WAS WHEN IT WAS TWICE AS OLD AS
ITS MOTHER WAS WHEN SHE WAS ONE THIRD AS OLD AS THE
MONKEY WAS WHEN IT WAS AS OLD AS ITS MOTHER WAS WHEN
SHE WAS 3 TIMES AS OLD AS THE MONKEY WAS WHEN IT WAS AS OLD AS ITS
MOTHER WAS WHEN SHE WAS 3 TIMES AS OLD AS THE MONKEY
WAS WHEN IT WAS ONE FOURTH WAS OLD AS IT IS NOW.

HOW LONG IS THE BANANA?

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Replies:
Subject: Curry


Author:
jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:44:41 05/30/04 Sun

Indian Curry Rhapsody (Sung to the Bohemian Rhapsody tune)

Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead
Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
But Now I'm Gonna ***** it All Away
Naan, ohhh ohhhhhh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow
Curry On,
Curry On,
Cause Nothing Really Madras.

Too Late, My Dinner's Gone
Sends Shivers Down my Spine ***** Aching All the Time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta Leave You All Behind And Uuuuuse the Loo
Naan, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
The Dopiaza is so Mild
I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All

Guitar Solo

I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the
Chutney Made of Mango
Vindaloo Does Nicely
Very Very Spicy
Meat Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a Naan
(A >Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lavatory
Stand you Well Back
Cause the Loo is Quarantined...

Here it Comes
There it Goes
Technicolour Yawn
I Chunder
NO!
It's Coming up Again
(There he Goes)
I Chunder
It's Coming back Again (There he Goes)
Coming Back Again (Up Again)
Here it Goes Again
(No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
On my Knees I'm on my Knees
On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
This Vindaloo
It's About to Wreck my Guts
Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....

Guitar Solo

So you Think you can Chunder and Feel all right?
So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
Just had to Come out
It Just had to Come Right out in Here

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Subject: Funnyness


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 22:00:46 04/22/04 Thu

Go to http://www.google.com and type in:

Weapons of mass destruction

Then click on 'I'm feeling lucky'!


Also have a look at:

http://www.alltooflat.com/geeky/elgoog/

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Fun


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:17:46 04/01/04 Thu

Take the OK cupid test
http://www.okcupid.com/oktest

Here is my result

The Billy Goat
Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer (DBSDm)


Horny. Stubborn. Kinda cute. Slightly immature. And often found on rough terrain. You are The Billy Goat.

You're lusty, but typically monogamous, and all in all you're a pretty good boyfriend. In fact, you enjoy relationships, if mostly for the sex and physical companionship. You'd do or say almost anything to get together with someone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

You're sensitive, you have a certain boyish charm, and you're eager. Therefore you probably attract girls who are serious about romance. But few who get close to you realize how unready for total commitment you are. People fall for you. Meanwhile, you maintain your emotional distance, and there goes another box of tissues.

Your exact opposite:
The Loverboy

Random Gentle Love Master

You're perfectly capable of a long-haul relationship, but, right now, dating someone primarily means having a consistent, available, preferably not-too-chatty, hookup. You're a careful, methodical person, and you work hard at making things work. It's just that the type of woman most likely to find your strengths endearing is also the most likely type to find your shortcomings heartbreaking. Someone with a similarly laid-back approach to dating would be perfect for you.


ALWAYS AVOID: The Priss, The Sonnet, The Wild Rose

CONSIDER: The Playstation

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Replies:
Subject: internet


Author:
coll
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:31:36 04/03/04 Sat

now that i have moved out of home into a very strange guy's place i have the internet. so feel free to email me your instant messenger names etc although i do have some already.

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Subject: Go hear and realize why you turned out screwed up!


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 20:39:53 03/10/04 Wed

http://www.kontraband.com/html/top_ten/movie.asp?ID=1159

Rainbow corrupted us!

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Replies:
Subject: FUNNYNESS


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:12:36 02/17/04 Tue

This site is trully brilliant - the british queueing bit is so funny and so true ...

check out

http://www.sirc.org/publik/ptpchap1.html

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: B-) Buggering off agin


Author:
Jodie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:25:58 01/22/04 Thu

Hello strangers

Well, i feel i've been in this country for far too long now and i think it's time for me to distrb another naition for a while.

I'm flying out to Australia on the 19th of February for 6 months, then i'm going on to New Zealand for a year. After that, South-east Asia until my money runs out. Should be about 2 years in total.

I haven't decided what i'm doing before i leave, but needless to say it will involve a very large piss up.

Will hopefully speak to you all soon,
Jodie
-x-

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Subject: because not even i would print this in the uni paper, it's too inflammatory


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 20:59:00 01/13/04 Tue

I just wanted someone somewhere to get to read this rant i wrote recently. I can't risk the lawsuit that would ensue if anyone read it in the paper!


Shifting the blame – by Daniel Wainwright

WHO’s responsibility is it anyway in the end? You may well ask for what, but the answer I would give is “for anything”. Let’s look at the government for a start. Always much criticised and everyone has a point of view on it.

The government seems to have a kind of “user pays” scheme in place with virtually everything. If we want to go to university, we have to pay for it. If we want to see a dentist on the NHS, we pay for it. If we want any medical treatment without having to wait an almost dangerously long time, we pay for it. If we get caught speeding, we pay for the Police officer to write the ticket via a fine. And in a new consultation paper it looks like they want us to pay a surcharge for criminal injuries if we get caught speeding, even if there was no victim as such, putting reckless drivers in the same light as those who commit an assault. Of course I’m by no means suggesting that speeding isn’t wrong. Of course it is, and a fine is a very worthy deterrent, but all this is just pure revenue generation. The government is shifting its fund-raising responsibility from itself to the general public, and can claim that it hasn’t actually raised taxes by too much.

This would all be understandable if we could actually see some real benefit in all of this. But look what we get instead of better hospitals: a Millennium Dome, a wobbly bridge in London, a needless war and a remaining military presence that is now so depleted and overstretched that it would have trouble protecting an old folks’ home from some unruly teenagers if it were called to do so.

But of course, its’ all your fault for wanting to educate yourself in the first place that you and your parents pay so much for university. It’s all your fault for caring too much for your teeth that you went to see a dentist and had to pay a tenner just to get him/her to take a look (sounds like calling out a plumber!). And how dare you assume that just because you pay your taxes and fares that you deserve a proper rail network and public transport system!

And its’ not just the government that seeks to look elsewhere for its scapegoats. Look at this very university. Problem after glitch after problem has happened with that bloody building project on the south end, which recently saw 74 postgrads evacuated at a time of year when many have exams and coursework deadlines, because defective wiring meant that there was a possibility the whole building could have gone up in flames.

When SCAN interviewed the Estates department last term we were told that the welfare of the students was the university’s concern, while the buildings themselves were the concern of Jarvis. Now surely there’s an overlap here? Even though the university has signed up for a 38-year deal with Jarvis, because they probably got a good deal, the university still owns the freehold on the land and also must surely be able to go and inspect the quality of the work being undertaken?

But of course that would implicate the university when the turd hits the fan like it did last week. It’s easier for the university to follow the way of the government that has cut its Higher Education funding to such an extent that it must employ sharks like Jarvis to provide rooms for all those new students it must attract in order to generate enough revenue to keep afloat. And of course the university can wash its hands of the problems that go with using a commercially active company to build and maintain those rooms. It’s Jarvis who are liable for compensating the students whose lives they are making a misery by building such shoddy accommodation with inferior amenities (kettles that cost £3, vacuum cleaners made useless after being used to clear builder’s rubble). And it’s the students themselves who have to do something about getting compensation for all this, with only LUSU providing the long-suffering members of the GSA with any real assistance.

And it’s going to get worse next year. When Cartmel and Lonsdale move this year it won’t be a group of experienced, eloquent post-graduate students that show up there to form an orderly line, elect spokespersons on the spot and be told their rooms aren’t ready for the beginning of term. It’ll be 18 year olds, each one bringing a couple of very worried parents who know that their precious son or daughter is going to be in a strange place for the first time, and desperate to make sure that they are well established. To that end they’ll have probably loaded up the car with pots, pans and all sorts of other things that they’ll have to leave packed up while they abandon their loved one in temporary accommodation. And when those outraged parents complain to the university, I’ll wager they get told to take it up with a Jarvis representative. I doubt very much the university will even send one of their own representatives to say that. They’ll leave it LUSU and the JCRs, who will be trying their damnedest to get those freshers settled and ready to embark on what is supposed to be the beginning of their best time of their lives. But that won’t matter, as long as they pay their fees and rent on time.

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Replies:
Subject: Okay, I'm getting sick of that message


Author:
Lobi
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 20:26:05 11/30/03 Sun

Is there any way you can get rid of it Daniel-san?

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Replies:
Subject: Bibble ?


Author:
jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 00:59:44 10/22/03 Wed

Is the forum still in use, or is my ass more tickled pink than a babe on bonfire night !!!!!

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Replies:
Subject: birthday


Author:
Lee
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:39:43 10/23/03 Thu

Not sure some peoples emails work anymore,or what their email is now, namely Jonathon, but all you people away at Uni are invited to celebrate my Bday with the rest of us down here. Don't worry if you can't make it, just to let people know they are invited!!Will be doing something on the 31st and the 1st,probably Academy Friday.

c ya

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Subject: Where is everyone?


Author:
Sheeney
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 09:18:46 06/27/03 Fri

Have you all gone away? Have you all gone home and therefore stopped posting/checking the forum?

Spare a thought for us poor people who have to stay til July!!

And look foward to my lastest production. You metal-heads are gonna love it.

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Replies:
Subject: you're all intelligent people, work this out


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 11:32:26 06/08/03 Sun

Coz i'm buggered if i can!


http://mr-31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk/assets/Flash/psychic.swf

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Replies:
Subject: Smiles and Frowns


Author:
Lobi
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 22:49:53 06/04/03 Wed

I know it's some time off but people have been enquiring about what I'm doing for my birthday, or more specifically WHEN. Well, the simple answer is I'm not sure but I'm hoping to do something the weekend AFTER (or maybe BEFORE), my actual birthday being on Sunday 20th July, not an ideal day to celebrate for a number of reasons. Not sure what doing yet - haven't thought of anything original that's not been done before I'm afraid - still open to suggestions but I want to arrange something.

Historically, I've not being one for celebrating... well, celebrating anything to be honest, when it regards myself that is but as you bunch of bastards went out of your ways to do exactly that for my birthday last year I appear to have developed a taste for it.

Have I told you lately that I hate you?

Anyway, if you feel compelled to buy me DVDs for my birthday (if you get me anything at all that is) I thought it might be helpful to know what I've already got so I databased them all when I had a lonely Friday morning free. You can download the Excel file (only 35k) from the link at the bottom of the main page of my website (the first one after all the photos of you all). I'll try to keep it up to date as I buy more but I'll stop buying stuff (DVDs, CDs, books, inflatable Monica Belluccis, tangerine shaped pendants and anything else you might want to help me fill my bedroom with) entirely a few weeks before. Well, I hope to anyway... I can beat the addiction for a few weeks... I can... honestly... noooooooooooooooo!

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Replies:
Subject: sorrow


Author:
coll
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 13:26:08 06/05/03 Thu

"I'm a man of constant sorrow" in the words of george clooney or atleast his voice double.
yes i know that you don't know what i'm going on about coz i knew that you wouldn't know. but some people will know.
perhaps this is why the government removed my internet priveleges and locked me in that cage, they can't keep me forever, actually they probably can.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Replies:
Subject: Rather happy


Author:
Sheeney
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:32:45 05/27/03 Tue

Oh, and I would like to add:

Woohoo!!!!

Bring on Man U!

Come on you Wolves!!!

And other such joyful statements...

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Replies:
Subject: Fun


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 22:53:28 05/23/03 Fri

One for sheena primarily. This is an amasing flash site from a design point of view. The window control is astounding. But anyway most of you plebs wont apreciate it (joking).

See you all soon
Jon

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Replies:
  • Re: Fun -- Jon, 09:27:36 05/24/03 Sat
    • Re: Fun -- Neil, 10:21:53 05/24/03 Sat
  • Re: Fun -- Sheeney, 12:31:13 05/27/03 Tue
Subject: Cows are good


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 13:55:23 05/25/03 Sun

Something to make you smile during revision.......


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell the herd and retire on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.

You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them world-wide at a fantastic profit.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.


ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.


A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You worship them.


CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman
who reported the numbers.


A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

The younger one is rather attractive


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
Western suburbs style....

You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows

You die the first time you try and milk them.


AN IRISH CORPORATION
Who cares, The EU Really owns them now and the pub is still serving

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You don't know what they are used for as they aren't sheep

You shag them anyway.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: MAD I TELL YOU - MAD !!!!


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 22:37:44 05/13/03 Tue

help me, im going slowly mad ....


(i think its the fact that i have had no alcohol since the 2nd of May)

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Replies:
Subject: Tonkathon 2003


Author:
Lobi
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 20:53:47 05/12/03 Mon

Poems about exam revision? Isn't that dignifying it with some importance? Well, the gritty reality of it is exams ARE important - but whoever said anyone had to be a fan of gritty reality?


I

Revision

Ironically, his lawde and prayse was written
Not in English, but Latin.
But what year did the king die in?
Fifteen-Oh-Something else I could look up
But can’t be bothered to.

What the fuck is he, then, doing in English Literature!

I’m not prepared for this.
I can’t even grasp the simple things
Let alone whole ‘concepts’.

By what strange method is this text supposedly indexed?

I thought I had time
The exam’s in a week.

I’m stressed? Yes,
Of course.
I’m coping? Yes,
It’s nothing.

Nothing in the grand scheme of things
Mom says, and she should know for
She did O Levels too.

Back then English was little more than the vernacular.


II

visionRe

Back to the books
With their burning purposes;
To let you pass exams
If you let them.

Back to the books
Which are no longer
Pertinent. It’s time
To fulfil their potential.

You could turn them over
To second hands
Which can sweat all over
The laminated covers

As you have done.

But, you tell your well-meaning
Mother, whose earnings
Did not go into
Their purchase,

It’s much more fun to burn them
Now and in hindsight.

______________________________
Please note: Anyone wishing to dispense of revision notes in this fashion is welcome round mine sometime in July to add to the ceremonial pyre.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Tonking all day long


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01:35:37 05/11/03 Sun

This week I will mostly be tonking.

Now only 18 days till FREEDOM - ah the wonders of the exam period - how i cram - how bored i get - and the result ....

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Replies:
Subject: mr "unkown"


Author:
mr very well known in some parts (coll)
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:31:40 05/08/03 Thu

i'm onto you mr "unkown" since you must have put that there purposely - how fiendish. the anonamous one will be discovered and made to reap the havoc of his/her misdeeds. aha i've discovered the secret of life.
if you carefully add up all of the time that people cannot go on holiday you get an interesting fact. that the total time available for everyone to go is a seven second period in the month of november just before the fifth hour of the seventh day, or so the prophecy says. i suggest we go on a very large number of individual holidays and then say we all went to all of the locations and thus had 56 weeks off and went to 12 diiferent destinations, thus proving that time is irrelevant and so the universe collapses upon itslelf crushing the numerous multiverses and leaving only the negaverse intact, they would ofcourse make us dress as small phillapino girls and teach us to play the lute - as the prophecy says.
and so join me in this magical quest for freedom from the oppressive and tyrannical negaverse all you sailors. ahem.
every is insane and i'm the only one who sees all for the truth that lies nascently behind the fascade of our everyday lives where we lay in our domeciles until the lord of television commands us to leave. or so the prophecy says.
i thank you.

your one true ruler:

RANDOMNITY (bow before his mighty white)

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Replies:
Subject: Unknown


Author:
Unknown
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 11:05:46 05/08/03 Thu

Safari Trip

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing
butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So,
wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog
thinks, "Boy, I''m in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look
of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew",
says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what''s going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn''t
seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog
says, "Where''s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him
off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he''s still not
back!!"

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Unknown


Author:
Unknown
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 11:01:59 05/08/03 Thu

After surviving a ship wreck three men wash up on shore and are
immediately captured by a tribe of Cannibals. The chief stands them
before the tribe and tells them that they will all die and their
skins used to make boats. However, to preserve their honor they could
choose how they would die.

The first man requests a pistol. They give it to him and he shoots
himself. They skin him and make a boat.

The second man chooses a knife and slits his throat. Again, they skin
him and make a boat.

The third man, after much consideration, says that he will die by
fork. The chief is confused but gives him a fork. The man stands
before the tribe and begins stabbing himself, chanting," Hope your
boat sinks, Hope your boat sinks."

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Unknown


Author:
Unknown
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 10:59:42 05/08/03 Thu

NAME: John Doe.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aquarius.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Unknown


Author:
Unknown
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 10:55:52 05/08/03 Thu

How to Relieve Stress

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don''''t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don''''t use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don''''t rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can''''t attend their
party because you''''re not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd
time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they''''re loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."

by: unknown

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Subject: Engaguements


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 20:15:26 04/27/03 Sun

for the purposes of group plans i agreeed with other people that it is probably best to post weekends that we are committed to elsehere on the forum.

Im otherwise engagued on the weekends of
Saturday 21st June
Saturday 28th June

Jon

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Replies:
Subject: lemons


Author:
coll
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:15:09 04/29/03 Tue

just a thought: lemons

i can get lemons for 26p each. they have the rind included but i'm sure we can sort that out for ourselves seeing as rind cutters are so popular for lemon eaters. oh and they're buy six for the price of five but i'm not saying where. ahem

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Replies:
Subject: Thoughts of the proverbial kind


Author:
coll
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:13:20 04/29/03 Tue

Just a thought lemons

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Subject: suggestion for destination


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 18:00:39 04/28/03 Mon

Just a thought: Prague

Can get return flights for under £130 either through easyjet or expedia from east midlands or birmingham respectively throughout july and august leaving on a wednesday or thursday and coming back on the sunday.. no deals as such for accomodation, but i doubt it'd be difficult to sort for ourselves, being such a popular destination. does that light a spark of interest?

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: A funny joke


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:14:44 04/26/03 Sat

Braggadocio

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."








A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: A funny joke


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:13:39 04/26/03 Sat

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: A funny joke


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:11:08 04/26/03 Sat

If _____ Made Toasters

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

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Subject: A sick joke


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 23:06:37 04/26/03 Sat

What is blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.

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Subject: The Disease of Violence


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 11:49:24 04/15/03 Tue

This city was a woman
A sophisticated lady
I thought she would like me
Try to seduce me maybe

I grew in confidence
And brought the city to its knees
And sometimes left it crying
Begging to be pleased

But then it found others
Who transmitted their disease
They swarm around our women
Like a pack of killer bees

We are helpless to prevent it
We cannot escort them every time
And so sometimes they are victims
To the most vile crime

You tried to rape my friend
You vile piece of shit
Be glad you were disturbed
Without needing to be hit

If I find you I will beat you
To within an inch of life
Because I've never let a friend down
No matter the cost or strife

NB: The remaining verses are unfit for display on a public forum

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: An appeal for £2 a month


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 14:12:23 04/10/03 Thu

Dear Friends,
This is an urgent appeal. As you are no doubt aware, at this moment people are in danger and suffering injury, death and persecution at the hands of tyrants. We must help them. We can't just stand back and watch. These people need or help. They are British troops and journalists.
But what can we do? you ask. I propose to set up a fund to help buy American troops a book. This book is called 'How to Differentiate Your Arse from your Elbow.' I want to raise enough money to send the book to ALL American personnel. In this helpful volume Americans will learn the following:

1) As the title suggests- how to differentiate their arses from their elbows

2) How to tell the difference between an Iraqi missile & an RAF plane returning from a bombing mission - helpful things like shapes, colours, sounds etc

3) How to tell the difference between ONE iraqi tank (old, black, shit, tank like, soldiers) and a CONVOY of brand new, white landrovers (More than one, new, un-tank like, people talking English into cameras) carrying Kurds & journalists.

4) Miscellaneous things like:
What the Union Jack looks like.
What language the British speak so they can translate things like 'don't fire, I'm on your side you stupid American ****'
The fact that just because it moves does not mean you have to shoot it

The fund also suggests the renaming of 'friendly fire' to the more appropriate "Stupid American Fuck Up (SAFU)"

Also a leaflet will also be sent to British troops and journalists. It will detail steps they can take to remain safe until the book has been sent and read. The main advice is 'Dress up as an Iraqi, use Iraqi equipment and the American bombs will come nowhere near you.'

You can donate at any branch of the Post Office and HSBC. Please give generously - they need your help.

Thank You

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Replies:
Subject: The female of the species ....


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 14:50:18 04/04/03 Fri

Does someone want to explain to me why every girl i pull has a boyfriend and a stupid name ?

Have you ever heared of anyone seriously calling themselves "Gek" or "Bags" ??? Well I have ....

Oh dear ....
:((

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: beer monkey (aka the stella monkey)


Author:
coll
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:49:01 04/03/03 Thu

ever wondered why people get aggressive when they drink?

it's obvious, there's a little monkey that appears, possibly sent by Bacchus. this little creature whispers things like "that bloke's looking at your bird", and "that man's just crapped in your pint" and such comments.

then he says: "that womans lovely go and feel her arse you know she wants you to".

hence all of the embarrassing and aggressive activities of lager and beer drinkers.

also an alternative explanation for people getting home and losing things (including money).

there are a group of law enforcement officers that are a little corrupt.

known as the beer police they are often responsible for taking drunks home. they dop however take your money and in my own personal experience took a disliking to my use of my mobile phone when on one of these escapades.

therefore they confiscated the said article and would not let me have it back. then a simple matter of a little brain surgery and all neurons pertaining to the experience are removed and the memory is gone forever.

it's all very obvious to me. especially having watched the stella monkey in action sitting atop a bouncer's shoulder (just happening to be about my eye height). leading to disastrous circumstances involving a group of guys and one particularly attractive young lady.

i thank you for your time.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Proof that they're out to get us


Author:
Lobi
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 08:52:39 04/03/03 Thu

Though I usually save my Religious rants for when I'm drunk (they make so much more sense that way) I just came across this while researching an assignment and quite frankly, I couldn't believe it.

The gist is we live in a secular society (there's far TOO MUCH religion for me already - just one "believer" is one too many) and kids are in praise of Satan (something I AM against - though for a different reason to these loonies - ackowledging Satan acknowledges God or "something other" exists)


Some choice quotes. Savour the hypocrisy, feel the rage, then destory something (metaphorically)...


"Pushing religion further and further away gets one to the very doorstep of Atheism. Satan is not an enemy, but an “in thing” for the children of Adam who are growing up in this “Modern Society”. It is better to prepare ourselves and acquire the necessary preventive as well as defensive training. The parents who do not wish their children to get lost in this jungle, where everything is “cool” should grow up and keep apace with their youngsters. Have a heart to heart talk with those whom you wish to keep on the “Siraatim-Mustaqiim” (a straight path)."


"Here are a few guidelines for our Brothers and Sisters who wish to summon (to do Daw'ah) someone that happens to be an Atheist or is a likely candidate. Literally speaking, Atheism means the repudiation or renunciation of Theism. The term itself denotes it nature, which is to deny and reject. Theism means having belief in the existence of Theo (a god). In other words, a true Atheist is he (or, she) who has investigated Theism and has established well founded reasons, for its outright denial and dismissal."

- damn good definition if you ask me, but I dont exactly like the sound of being "summoned". Makes me sound like a criminal (which in their eyes I probably am)


"Religion is a matter of Love, which should be allowed to grow with affection."
- Almost fell off my chair when I read that.


Full article (if you can be arsed):

http://www.mostmerciful.com/atheist.htm

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Subject: All true ....


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 10:58:36 04/02/03 Wed

>>>>>This explains an awful lot.............
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>"How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard
>>>>>night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As
>>>>>hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey
>>>>>from the pub to your house.
>>>>>
>>>>>The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The
>>>>>Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased
>>>>>to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has
>>>>>acquired a large fleet of these magical devices.
>>>>>
>>>>>The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
>>>>>
>>>>>The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
>>>>>"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one
>>>>>of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends
>>>>>down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger
>>>>>and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans Dimensional
>>>>>Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the
>>>>>passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
>>>>>
>>>>>This answers the second question after a night out: 'How did I
>>>>>spend so much money?'
>>>>>
>>>>>Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are
>>>>>thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI's
>>>>>(Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
>>>>>
>>>>>An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction
>>>>>of time segments during the trip. The nature of
>>>>>Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost,
>>>>>seemingly unaccounted for.
>>>>>
>>>>>This answers a third question after a night out: 'What the hell
>>>>>happened?'
>>>>>
>>>>>With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
>>>>>Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically
>>>>>removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted
>>>>>most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the
>>>>>REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
>>>>>discussions over a period of time.
>>>>>
>>>>>Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often
>>>>>cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus
>>>>>sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific
>>>>>consequences. Beer Goggles have also been known to cause the
>>>>>OMOS (Over-rating Members of the Opposite Sex) syndrome.
>>>>>
>>>>>With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment
>>>>>in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs
>>>>>and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!
>>>>>
>>>>>For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers
>>>>>picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent
>>>>>Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter
>>>>>how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up
>>>>>your other half.
>>>>>
>>>>>Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every
>>>>>wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance
>>>>>System) explains the bruised shins.
>>>>>
>>>>>The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters
>>>>>is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one
>>>>>person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a
>>>>>single night.
>>>>>
>>>>>PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to
>>>>>comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,
>>>>>wearing just a T-shirt.

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Replies:
Subject: Jon


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 16:55:30 03/29/03 Sat

http://www.warlock555.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Star%20Dudes.EXE


for the starwars fans among us

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Replies:
Subject: The gimp as a baby


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01:30:09 03/26/03 Wed

the gimp as a baby - how cute




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Replies:
Subject: The level of tallent in bristol nightclubs


Author:
Frank
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01:32:19 03/26/03 Wed

The level of tallent in bristol nightclubs




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Replies:
Subject: The level of tallent in bristol nightclubs


Author:
Bob
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01:31:14 03/26/03 Wed

The level of tallent in bristol nightclubs




[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: Taliban


Author:
Jon
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:14:22 03/24/03 Mon

>
> Britain Against Terrorism
> > >
> > > As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see
> a
> > > naked Woman who is not his wife.
> > >
> > > So with this mind, on Saturday at 2:00 PM GMT all British
> women are
> asked
> > > to walk out of their houses completely naked to help flush out
> any
> > > terrorists that may be in the neighbourhood.
> > >
> > > Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
> > > anti-terrorist effort to have full effect.
> > >
> > > All men are to position themselves in chairs in front of their
> houses
> > > to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrating their willingness to
> view
> women
> > > other than their spouses in a state of complete undress and to
> show
> > > support for all British women.
> > >
> > > And since the Taliban also disproves of the consumption of
> alcohol, a
> cold
> > > six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban
> sentiment.
> > >
> > > The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out
> terrorists
> and
> > > applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity,
> > > especially considering the current weather conditions.
> > >
> > > God Save the Queen!
> > >
> > > IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!
> >
> >
> >
> ------- End of forwarded message -------
>
>

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Replies:
Subject: >:-( big fat cock up


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 14:05:30 03/23/03 Sun

bugger. was hoping to pop home for the easter weekend, and join in jonty's birthday celebrations, but not only can i not get a decent flight to anywhere but Stansted, the trains over that weekend are subject to engineering works and strike action (easter weekend, a family time, the bastards, have they no heart?), which means unless i get into birmingham or east midlands i'm screwed. and to do that on that weekend would cost nearly £100 for the inbound flight alone. am therefore assuming that whatever guides my destiny either has good reason for keeping me in lyon that weekend, or merely wishes for me to miss out on what is sure to be one the best pre-final-exam piss-ups/21st of a very dear friend ever. bugger. would have been perfect 2 as final lecture would have been the day before. am still hoping for an opportunity to get back for col's, but chances are slim as have no idea when exams are. i'll be back in time for lobi's and neils's goes without saying as i'll be in a summer job by then i hope. it's a hairy minger with armpit hair to her elbows like i saw the other day.

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Replies:
Subject: Some musical unpoetic trifles


Author:
Sheeney
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 15:46:18 03/22/03 Sat

My newest (and best) musical production shall be completed tonight at extremely unsociable hours. It's startlingly good considering some of the bands were in fact a bit shite. For a sneak preview check my folder on Jonty's server and the subfolder CLP.

And if my tutors don't like this one then they can just fuck off.

I should be back next weekend. The weather is celebrating prematurely (it's absolutely beautiful outside). See you all soon.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Replies:
Subject: Some inagural poetic trifles


Author:
Lobi
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 19:21:07 03/21/03 Fri

To usher in the New Forum Order (free of floating heads) here's a few fragile constructions that took, cumulatively, all of 78 seconds to write (on public transport as usual)...

---------------------

PLEASANT COMPLICATION

You've got her number
So you think you're sorted
But instead you're numb
Because now you have choices.
Ring through or hold up?
Talk or text?
sex or Love?
Love or sex?

---------------------

TRAGIC CONCLUSION

Striving for perfection
Won't get you anywhere
Except Memory Lane,
Before you've arrived,

Where qualities, like leaves,
Are strewn without care
Though they seemed ordered at the time.

Cute face, cuter breasts, blonde hair...
It could be anyone
Any of Them.
But for a sec it all seemed to fit
With that One.
Together,
At the time.

---------------------

AMUSED RESOLUTION

Poor in funds
Lacking in looks
The only thing that stops me
From tying the noose
Is in my boxers:
I'm hung like a moose.
And I have a great sense of humour.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
Subject: a fresh start


Author:
Dan
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 18:27:37 03/21/03 Fri

there, now then, who's done what?

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