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Date Posted: 11:08:30 10/17/01 Wed
Author: Karen
Author Host/IP: 24.15.187.38
Subject: Sometimes caring means hurting

OK, really had to make a tough choice and trust me, it was agonizing. I have been dwelling on this for over a year now and have talked with various people who either are social workers, teachers, police, etc., about how to handle this. All without mentioning a name...

I had a welfare check done on a friend of mine after my last visit to her house and I saw that things had not changed.

We have know each other for years and honestly, she cannot keep house. Filth and clutter and often you could walk from one side of a room to another without touching the ground.

I often saw food on the floor and often odd smells and cat box odors. Sometimes halls and doorways were blocked.

When she had ferrets their litter tray was overflowing onto the cage floor and out onto the floor of the house. Her cats were often late for inoculations (rabies is mandated by law in most states now).

She always had an excuse and I felt assured since she seemed aware of the filth, she would take care of it. Then I moved away. But things worsened each time I visited...

Last year, she called me a few times saying her husband had assaulted her and she needed help, I gave her places to turn to and a game plan for getting out. She stayed and insisted things are better. But I have heard her husband behind her sometimes when I called and he is still the same ass he was - so I doubt the hitting and threats have totally stopped without some form of intervention.
And whan I broached the subject, she evaded it. Typical for an abused person. (My Brother in law is a Psychiatrist and I have know several abused girlfriends and they either evade the subject or deny it).

Her children were often grubby when I saw them unless they were going out and my friend told me in a few occasions the kids get bathed weekly give or take. Her son developed an infection under his foreskin (uncircumcised). I come from a medically oriented family and this just does not happen overnight and often is due to lack of proper hygiene. When I asked why she did not clean him properly and start teaching him hwo to care for it, she said she was embarrassed. When I asked about her husband, she said he was too uncomfortable - well dang, then the child should have been circumcised! Screw the Earth Mother crap if you are not going to properly care for your child's anatomy! I have cared for uncircumcised toddlers and yes, there is proper hygeine that needs to be followed. There were also other issues of health that concerned me as well with both kids.

Last visit, the house was worse than I have ever seen it - just less animals. And it was dangerous. Yes the kids were clean but also her in-laws were due over (in-laws "hate" her and really come down on her husband).

Also, the woman has a zillion activities she is doing from D&D to her coven to her magazine to her apprentice to her crafts to her organizing PP days and friends and teaching and writing, etc and often complains about her kids and how she cannot do what she wants. But then when you ask her about things, she denies them. When she asks for advice, she never takes it. She wants to compalin and whine but not take the initiative to improve life. Typical behavior for a person in her situation. Also when past friends have confronted her, she has cut ties and said these people have it in for her... Maybe they were just concerned and did not know what else to do... So they confronetd her. Maybe they really cared about their health and welfare.

Heck even one landlord claimed part of their not renewing the lease was due to the cat box odors! Of course, she denied it but always had an excuse why the box was overflowing. Maybe her filth also explained the bug problems they have had in the past...

Well, I could not stand by and see the house and life worsening and the danger. She said things were cluttered but better, they were worse and she lives in a larger place now! So I called to have a welfare check done - and of course, someone slipped and let my name leak when I was supposed to remain anonymous...

Well, the social worker said that it was good I made the call, the house was bad and not safe and though my friend insisted it was because her son had been ill and had his appendix out, the worker could tell that this was not a week of not being able to work on the house (friend is an at home mom in theory yet has not time to care for the house and both of her kids go to school at least part time). Anyhow, I was told that there was at least a year of clutter and mess (they had moved to this house about a year ago). The call was justified and the worker is concerned about the situation at the house.

Trust me, I have just touched on the issues here...

But, the family somehow tracked the call down and as you can imagine, are very pissed. I know we are told to harm none but sometimes doing what you know is right causes pain... I have lost a friend. But she was not seeking help and always griping but never acting. I could not sit by for another five years and watch things deteriorate. I mean, last time my son was at a place they lived, he STUCK to the floor while crawling across the linoleum. And my friend laughed it off and said she did not get to mop yet - well this was child could not crawl well due to the filth. Needless to say, my son never went to any place they lived again. And the filth continued...

They also lost a pet due to neglect (they forgot to feed it) and then told the social worker it was a respiratory infection. Not what she told me as she was close to tears...

Anyhow, sometimes doing what is right will harm feelings. But when someone truly needs an intervention when they are a hazard, please do so. It is not harming more to ignore it???

Welcome to one of the grey areas of our religion...

I called because I CARED not because I wanted to do something malicious. I tried for years and got nowhere and they need help. Who would I have harmed if I sat back ond ignored it? Sometimes caring means hurting in order for help to be gotten.

I am sorry only that she cannot see this and not for what I did. I am sorry that she could not seek the help she needed herself and was putting health and safety second to her selfish needs all in the name of religion... I hope that someday she can see that I cared enough to risk our relationship just to ensure that the family got the help she needed. Had I not cared, I would not have remained by her for five years and a long move. I would have let the friendship die.

It hurts to care...

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