| Subject: Re: The script continues |
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Date Posted: 01:05:35 07/11/02 Thu
In reply to:
's message, "Re: The script continues" on 16:14:14 07/10/02 Wed
>Chris and greg are on the side of a reasonably busy
>suburban street squatting in anticipation of the the
>things to come out of their buttholes!
>
>Chris
>OH THIT!
>
>Greg
>what?
>
>Chris
>I forgot. I'm Thuppothed to be at work today. Oh
>thit!
>
>Greg
>Fuck you.
>
>Int. Mail room of an office building.
>Chris and Greg walk in. They are greeted by Hank, a
>tall slender man in his late fifties.
>
>Hank
>Hey Chris. Nice of you to join us today.
>
>Chris
>Hey Hank. I'm thorry I'm tho late, I thopped to pick
>up my friend and we got thidetracked.
>
>Hank
>Don't worry about it. You know, there's not much to
>do today if you want to take the day off and hang out
>with your friend.
>
>Chris
>But I thought we were going to have my Birthday party
>today.
>
>Hank gets an uneasy look on his face. Joel, a man in
>his late 20's looks out from behind the door to the
>breakroom. He has what appears to be cake on his
>face. He looks guilty.
>
>Chris
>Aren't we having my birthday party today?
>
>Joel pulls his head back into the break room.
>
>Hank
>Well, the thing about that is that...well,we...
>
>We see a shot of Joel in the break room. he's eating
>waht appears to be the last piece of cake as fast as
>he can.
>
>Chris
>You ate my cake again
>
>Chris slouches as if the air has been sucked out of
>his large body.
>
>Joel come out wiping his mouth. he's carrying a bowl
>of potato chips.
>
>Hank
>We just got so hungry...
>
>Joel
>You want some chips, Chris?
>
>Chris
>No thank you.
>
>Joel
>We're sorry about the cake chris, we just got real
>hungry, and...
>
>Chris
>Didn't you guys bring a lunch?
>
>Hank
>Yeah, but we really wanted some cake.
>
>Chris (looks at his watch)
>I'm only a half hour late.
>
>Joel
>So sorry. you want some chips.
>
>Chris
>No thank you. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be
>right back.
>
>Chris leaves the room. Hank and joel start laughing
>quietly.
>
>Joel (to Greg)
>Hey man, how do you know him?
>
>Greg
>He just fuckin' picked me up.
>
>Joel and Hank laugh a little harder, but they muffle
>their chuckles.
>
>Hank
>What's your name?
>
>Greg
>Greg
>
>Hank
>Hey greg, you want a piece of cake?
>
>Greg
>Fuck yeah
>
>Joel moves the chips aside revealing a piece of cake
>in the bowl.
>
>Joel
>He doesn't know how close he came to getting his cake.
>
>Hank and Joel are laughing SO HARD NOW, but quietly.
>Greg starts laughing and eats the cake like its made
>of gold - that means FAST!
>
>We see Chris in the bathroom. The toilet seat is down
>ad he's sitting on it. He is also crying softly.
>
>Chris
>Every time
>
>He cries for a few seconds more
>
>Chris
>OH THIT!
>
>a close-up shot shows us that he is pissing his pants.
> He stands up quickly and turns around while trying to
>get his pants down. He raises the toilet seat, but he
>is having trouble with his zipper. His pants are now
>soaked with piss. He is repeating "Oh THIT." After a
>few seconds of struggling with his belt he just gives
>up.
>
>Chris
>I was right nektht to the toilet, too...Right on it.
>
>Back inthe mail room
>
>Greg
>Why won't you let him have his cake?
>
>Hank
>he has to learn
>
>Greg
>Learn what, fuckface?
>
>Hank
>Hey, watch your language
>
>Joel
>He has to learn that you can't always get a cake on
>your birthday.
>
>Hank
>Listen, Chris has had a rough life. He knows how to
>deal with this sort of stuff.
>
>In the bathroom we see chris perched on the sink,
>rubbing and and shredding toilet paper all ofver his
>crotch in a futile attempt to dry his piss. For a
>minute we see what chris is thinking:
>
>Int Warehouse, elf and wizard are fighting furiously
>as america's funniest home video-esque sounds are
>heard continuously. Chris gets a crazed look on his
>face.
>
>Mail room. Chris walks out. Everyoe can see the mess
>he's made of his pants.
>
>Hank
>Hey, Chris, what happened?
>
>Joel
>Ouch
>
>Chris
>I PITHED MY PANTH!
>
>Hank
>Ok, maybe you should just take the day off like I
>said, you know. Go home, take a shower, maybe....
>
>Chris
>BULLTHIT! FEEL MY POWER!
Chris pulls out what appears to be a magic wand.
Hank
Oh hey did you get that for your birth-
Chris points the wand out at Hank.
CHRIS
UBECT TOOK!
A blast of light comes out of Chris's wand. It knocks Hank square in the chest and he turns into a waddling baby duck.
Greg gives Chris a look like he can't believe what he's seeing.
Joel, seeing what happened to Hank screams like a woman and then suddenly leaps 50 FEET INTO THE AIR!
Chris shoots his wand again.
CHRIS
FALLI ASSWAY!
The beam misses the jumping Joel. Joel is now hanging onto a ceiling beam. Scrambling up and trying to maintain his hold.
Greg gives another "HOLY SHIT" face and then looks as if he is about to vomit. BUT HE DOESN'T!
Chris Taylor, now seeming much bigger, and full of power, stomps down to stand right below Joel.
CHRIS
You eat my cake, you thons of bitcheth.
JOEL
Not me! Honest!
CHRIS
Thort and I walk how many timeth for fun?
JOEL
HUH?
CHRIS
(his voice booming like he's FUCKING GANDALF!)
THORT AND I WALK HOW MANY TIMETH FOR FUN???
JOEL
I don't fucking know man! I don't even know how I got up here!
CHRIS
Anthwer the quethtion!
JOEL
THREE!
Chris gives a sneer to the camera.
CHRIS
Wrong anthwer. HA HA HA HA!
Chris looks back up to Joel and he shoots him with the wand.
CHRIS
FUCFORBUCTH!
Joel's hands betray him and begin slapping him. They slap him as he falls.
CHRIS
Why are you thlapping yourthelf? Why are you thlapping yourthelf?
Joel hits the ground.
CHRIS
Happy birthday... to me.
Greg vomits.
CHRIS
(off of the vomit)
OH THIT man! I have to clean that thit up!
GREG
Sorry.
CHRIS
That'th okay. Cleaning ith good. It'th what theparateth uth from the animalth.
GREG
Shit! That's so true.
CHRIS
Take it from me. I'm a withard.
Chris stands tall and Chris's music theme plays in a triumphant fashion.
Suddenly a window breaks and several small flying creatures come through the window.
CHRIS
OH THIT! THE BOTHNIANTH!
GREG
Who?
CHRIS
They want my prethiouth power!
The creatures drop several small round objects into the room.
Greg stares at all this, but he seems increasingly disinterested.
Chris fires several blasts out of his wand but misses the "Bosnians".
CHRIS
(with each blast that misses)
Thit! Thit! Thit!
The lead flying creature turns to taunt Chris.
CREATURE
Nah! Nah! Try again!
CHRIS
Try again?
There is a crackle of electricity in the air as Chris summons all the powers of the elements before saying his next line. Greg stands up to leave as Chris swells to enormous sizes.
CHRIS
FUCK MY ATTHHHH!
The biggest ever beam of light shoots out of Chris's wand. It misses the Creature by a mile.
CHRIS
THIT!
Suddenly the round balls that the creatures dropped break open and a million spiders come out of them.
Greg walks away from all of this.
Chris tries to blast the spiders, but he is too slow. They crawl up to him and on him. Greg leaves the warehouse.
CHRIS
(as Greg leaves)
Help! Help! Get thethe thpiderth off of me!
Chris is now covered in spiders.
Greg is now outside of the warehouse.
He removes his pants and squats.
As Greg grunts and tries to shit, his face gets all red.
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