"Special Agent Dana Scully," Scully says, flashing her badge in Kande's face. -- X-Philes World-Shipperville

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Date Posted: 19:23:35 08/16/03 Sat
Author: Aunt Madge doing Rabid's Voice-Over (NOT RABID)
Subject:

"Special Agent Dana Scully," Scully says, flashing her badge in Kande's face.
In reply to: kenamom, who NEVER pays fines or full fare. 's message, "Bubba begins to make motion of laughing...." on 14:53:52 08/16/03 Sat

"Uhm...yeah, I know," Kande says, blinking in surprise.

She looks across at her sister for some guidance but KS is far too busy checking in the bookdrop haul to notice her.

"This isn't our book," KS mumbles to herself as she tosses tome after tome onto a growing stack behind her. "And neither is this...oh, good Lord, this one is from Ontario! Do they think I'm made of postage? Serve them right if I carted this lot straight out to the dumpster. Oh, and wonder of wonders, here's yet ANOTHER 30 year old bug ridden encyclopedia volume! How-to-Hug. No other volumes in the set...sure...give us your worthless...your never fumigated...we'll find a place in the collection for a treasure like this..."

Realizing there will be no help from that quarter, Kande turns back to the strangely formal Scully. The Agent is just finishing up a cell phone call..."Yes, okay. Yes, I can do that. When would you like me to bring it over?"

"How about in half an hour?" KM, who is standing a few feet away from Agent Scully, says into her own mobile phone. "I should be back in the office by then. Unless...do you think I will be needed during the questioning of suspects?"

"I don't see why I would need you," Scully murmurs. "Go on to the office and I will bring the report when I finish up here."

"Okay, then...TTFN," The Mayor says. She purses her cell just as Scully flips her own phone closed.

"I would like to ask you some questions, if you don't mind," Scully continues returning her attention to, and brusquely addressing, the suspicious Klub-Owner. "You are..." The red haired agent consults a small notebook and reads off. "Kande Jenkowitz-Smythe-Davis-Smythe? Owner and operator of a seedy strip club, situated in the low-rent district of Shipperville and, known simply as, THE KLUB?"

"Well...yeah, I...uhm...Look, Scully, drop the Federal Agent Act...you know who I am. We're practically neighbors and...HEY! What do you mean 'seedy...and low-rent?' I'll have you know my rent is plenty high and I just installed recessed lighting behind the bar at great personal expense!"

"Be that as it may Mrs. Jenkowitz-Smythe-Davis," Scully said with exaggerated 'special federal agent' patience.

"You forgot a Davis," KM hisses.

"She forgot a Smythe," KS corrects, without breaking the rhythmic beep of her check-in gun.

Kande's head whiplashes from side-to-side as she and glares from one butt-inski Shippervillian to the other. The Mayor feigns an immediate and intense interest in the latest Jan Karon novel. Opening the tome at a random page she reads busily. A moment later, she brays out a laugh and then quickly checks the cover of the book as if not believing what she's just read can be for real.

Agent Scully makes a show of clicking her ball-point pen into readiness. "I will need to ask you a few questions about the disappearance of local librarian, Rabid/1stRabid/Raeann Jones. A.K.A. Mrs. William "Spike, the bloody" Jones (not to be confused with Spike Jonez or Spike Lee or Spike T.V.) It will only take a moment of your time."

"Disappearance?" Kande says with genuine surprise. "I thought she was up at the Society For the Lollapaloozafication of Little People's (aka S.L.O.L.P.) Bar-b-que and Biker Jamboree?"

"That is what we assumed until new evidence was presented, just moments ago," Agent Scully nods. "That theory however has been called into question."

"She means, I told her it wasn't true," KM injects. "It's a little known fact that Rabid, though extremely petite herself, has a phobia about..." KM leans close to whisper it..."little people."

"Are you speaking of a prejudice or an actual medical condition?" Scully asks. "It's okay to tell me, I AM a medical doctor."

"I think she breaks out in hives or something," KS mutters. "All I know is the last library assistant had to wear flats and even then Rabid went around itching."

"She itches around short people?" Kande asks. "I never knew that...I mean, how short does the person have to be?"

"Really short...shorter than Rabid, herself...so...a certified little person. She missed qualifying by one inch."

"Ah," Scully nods, "So it could be psychosomatic. A repressed sense of failure to measure up!"

"Or down...in this case," KM adds.

"Fascinating," Scully says. She glances at her notepad and it brings her mind back to the problem of Rabid's disappearance. "But hardly to the point. We need hard facts not idle speculation. Now, what can you tell me about Rabid's husband? He's not from around here is he?"

"Oh, him," KS begins. Her lip curls slightly, as she sets her check-in gun aside for the nonce. "No, he's from..." she also leans in to whisper. "Another show...and well...he's..."

"Coming in the front door," KM singsongs, brightly. She is all smiles and consideration as she rushes froward to drop an arm around Spike's broad shoulders. "Oh, you poor...poor...evil, undead thing you," the Mayor coos. "How horrible all this must be...you look so...uhm...pale and drawn."

"He always looks that way," KS inserts. "VAMPIRE, DUH!"

"Oh...real-ly," Scully purrs with renewed interest, as she eyes the hot tight amazingly well sculpted little body KM is clinging to. "I knew a vampire...once. Or several actually." She smiles at Spike. "Nice people."

"You look like nice people yourself, pet," Spike returns, doing a bit of his own purring and eyeing.

"Hey," Kande yelps. Stepping possessively between the two sex symbols, she chides Spike. "Shouldn't you be thinking about your poor abducted wife?"

"I am," Spike shrugs. "Been thinking all morning and I believe I have this case all sewn up." Suddenly he spins around to confront KS. He stabs an accusing finger at her. "You, madame are no librarian!"

"I...uh...uhmm...I am so!" KS manages.

"Where's your uniform?"

"I took it off, or some of it anyway. I'm still wearing bits and pieces. But the skirt chafes and I don't have enough hair for a bun so I had to wear this lame..."

"Not THAT uniform," Spike sighs. "The one underneath it all. The slinky, naughty underthings every man knows lies at the heart of the plain-brown paper packaging of all TRUE LIBRARIANS. If you've got a garter belt to go with those combat-boots, I'll eat my hat...now STRIP!"

"Uh...Uhm..." KS blushes, prettily. "What do you mean...of course I'm a librarian. Look at these thick glasses and my top collar button is fastened. In this heat? Come on...who does that?"

"You can't judge a book by it's cover," KM counters.

"Right," Scully concurs. "We need verifiable scientific proof, Miss Jenkowitz-Smythe. Please disrobe to your scanty panties and peek-a-boo bra or garter belt with lacy bustier, whichever is applicable."

With shaking hands, KS begins to undress.

MEANWHILE at the S.L.O.L.P. Bar-b-que and Biker Jamboree

A dazed Mulder sits up slowly. He is in a small, darkened cabin somewhere in the north woods. The sound of revelling little people comes from a distance. Mulder feels bruised and more than a little bit sticky. For a moment, everything is a blur and then...a voice speaks out of the darkness.

"Honey, I thought you would never wake up," Aunt Madge sighs. "Now hop over here and bite through these ropes. We don't have long before someone comes to check on us."

Rabid/Raeann

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Replies:

LIFTS...you silly old bat...LIFTS....it should be "...the last library assistant had to wear LIFTS." I mean, FLATS makes no earthly sense...with the hive thing...SIGH... (NT) -- Rabid, doing her own voice over from the beyond..., 19:34:03 08/16/03 Sat
- Just as everyone is waiting for KS to completely disrobe -- Kande's Sis, 09:37:20 08/17/03 Sun
  - Pointing her finger at -- CW, 21:03:07 08/17/03 Sun
    - Scully seems to have forgotten -- Kande's Sis, 08:31:26 08/18/03 Mon
      - KS first stops at the Klub for a little refreshment -- Kande's Sis, 08:20:52 08/24/03 Sun
        The Mayor meets up with Scully in the basement of Shippervilles City Hall. -- kenamom, 18:11:32 08/24/03 Sun
        Blame Canada! Blame Canada! -- Kande's Sis, 21:13:57 08/24/03 Sun
        A loud buzz comes from Scullys Breasts -- kenamom, checking to see if kande is with us, 20:10:36 08/25/03 Mon
        KS flits from tree to tree -- Kande's Sis, 06:54:02 08/26/03 Tue
        Meanwhile, back at the klub... -- kande, taking a break from work, 02:56:08 08/27/03 Wed
        Bubba looks up from his fricasee-o'-tofu -- Kande's Sis, 07:02:43 08/27/03 Wed